This busted, ’90s-inspired, rhinestone-covered, I-could-probably-get something-comparable-for-$9.99-at-Capezio’s body suit by Michael Kors is priced at $5,450. That is all. [Yoox]
Tag Archives: do not want
These “Ultra-Distressed” Sneakers Cost $2,000 (Yes, Really)
Remember when Converse started selling pre-scuffed sneakers for $65 and I thought it was the dumbest thing ever? I take it back. I take it all back. Go buy all the dirty Converse you want. They’re a great deal compared to these stained, rusted, worn-out (but technically still “new”) sneakers from Italian brand A Diciannoveventitre that will cost you a whopping $1,975. In related news, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. [Barneys]
Do Not Want: Topshop’s $65 “Mom Jeans”
Dear Topshop, I’m not sure why anyone would willingly purchase a pair of mom jeans, but I think everyone knows that an authentic pair can be procured at any Kohl’s or Kmart for much, much less than the $65 price you’ve slapped on these acid-washed, tapered, high-waisted monstrosities. Seriously. Make it stop. [Bleach Acid Mom Jeans, $65, Topshop]
Do Not Want: Sweaty Chest Hair Sweater
One of the worst things about normal sweaters is that they cover up the glistening, hairy man chests that the world deserves to see. Firebox’s “70s Hairy Chest Sweater” solves that problem in truly horrifying style, with a printed image of a naked torso, complete with shiny belly hair and a gaudy necklace. This polyester nightmare can be yours for just $61! But really, please don’t buy this. [Laughing Squid]
Do Not Want: Zara’s Saggy Swimsuit Dress
This “pinafore dress” from Zara is reminding me of one of those old-timey bathing suits from the 1800s, which is reminding me of the episode of “Seinfeld” where Newman wears one of those bathing suits while yelling “Olly olly oxen free!” and cannonballing into a pool, which is a lovely memory, but not really an image I want my fashion choices to evoke. I’ll take a pass. [$90, Zara]
Do Not Want: Barbie Boob Necklaces
If I work really hard, I can almost convince myself that these Barbie boob necklaces are funky and irreverent and cool, but then I remember they’re made from disembodied doll parts, and get creeped out. If that wasn’t bad enough, I can only imagine that adding a second pair of boobs to my chest area would exponentially increase the amount of times I’d need to say, “Dude, my eyes are up here.” [Pinterest, You Are Drunk]
Do Not Want: Dripping Crotch Tights
If you’ve been searching for the perfect pair of tights that will go with any outfit and make you look like you have a large amount of black tar seeping out of your nether regions, well, look no further! German brand URB has a whole section of melting hosiery to fit your needs. [Boing Boing]
Do Not Want: Spider Sandals
I am known for being cool, calm and collected under duress. But that all goes out the window when duress involves a spider. Especially a big spiders. Growing up, sometimes you’d open a closet and there’d be a big one with long hairy legs staring right back at you. So I have to say these otherwise-cute, blue, vegan sandals bedecked in a faux-jeweled spider fall firmly in the “Do Not Want” camp. I don’t think I could handle it if I looked down and saw two big spiders on the tops of my feet. [ModCloth]
Do Not Want: Shower Coach 5-Minute Shower Timer
I am what one might call a leisurely bather. If one wished for some reason to paint me in a less flattering light, “bathroom hog” may or may not be the term best used to describe my habits. I can say with all honesty that I have never taken a shower in under 20 minutes; my ideal duration ranges from 45 minutes to an hour. I don’t necessarily want to take that long, it’s just that with all the shampooing, deep conditioning, exfoliating, shaving, Clarisonic-ing, and cleansing required to keep me looking just barely presentable, there’s no way I’m getting in and out of there in 15 minutes. I’m sorry, that’s just the way it is, and I definitely don’t feel guilty about making you wait outside the bathroom door for four hours. I will, however, cop to feeling the tiniest bit sheepish about the havoc I’m wreaking on the environment as a result of my over-indulgent tendencies. While I absolutely under no circumstances do not want this Shower Coach 5-Minute Shower Timer (I have enough passage-of-time anxiety already), it would probably be a wise $2.99 investment on my part. And hey, just because the sands of time are not shifting in my favor doesn’t mean I actually have to get out, right? [Complex]
Do Not Want: Charlie Chaplin Camel Toe Leggings
“Charlie Chaplin Camel Toe”: hipster band name or brutally honest description of these leggings? Probably both, but for right now let’s focus on these leggings, which I’m pretty sure I’ve seen before in a fever dream I had in 10th grade. So upsetting. [$30, ROMWE]
