I don’t feel like “Do Not Want” really even captures my gut-level reaction to these $455 jean shorts (jorts, if you’re nasty) for men. “Fuck no, stop triflin’” or “Get the fuck out of here with this nonsense” is more accurate. Jorts — that is, denim shorts that have been hemmed, not simply jeans that have been cut off (those are slightly more acceptable, in my opinion, but I’m willing to debate that) — are right up there with mandals and tucked-in shirts for biggest dude fashion vagina killers for me. Oh look, how coincidental, look at how Dolce & Gabbana decided to style their hideous and expensive jort travesty — with mandals and a tucked-in shirt! Everything about this is next level wrong. I’m appalled. [via Buzzfeed]
“When I was in middle school, everyone joked about making out with pillows for practice,” said Emily King, the designer who created the Make-Out Practice Pillow. “I’m assuming that I was not the only one for whom the jokes had some truth.”
Emily, who was inspired to make the pillow with a mouth after coming across some CPR dummies in a dumpster near her house, is aware that the finished product, which sells for $30, is incredibly creepy. Still, she has love for the thing and thinks it would make a great Valentine’s Day gift:
“I have to admit that when I mentioned this idea to my friends, the reaction from anyone over the age of 25 tended to be variations on ‘that’s really creepy,. and anyone under the age of 25 thought it was hilarious and awesome: middle-school to college-age seemed to be the sweet spot of people who really liked the idea…I thought it was pretty hilarious myself until I actually made the things. They are super creepy. But I sort of love them for that.”
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When I look out the window right now, I see snow blanketing New York City, further sign that Punxsutawney Phil wasn’t joking when he saw his shadow and predicted four more months of winter. And while I am longing for the warmer temperatures of spring, one thing is giving me pause. The fact that, according to every fashion magazine I’ve picked up in the last month, hideous, chunky, clunky, sporty sandals, seemingly inspired by what I consider to be the ugliest footwear ever imagined, Tevas (yes, more so than Birkenstocks OR Uggs!), are apparently all the rage for spring. Seriously, there’s a whole spread of them in the new issue of Lucky. And all of these shoes above, currently available at your favorite stupidly pricey e-boutique, are priced at $500-$800. I SWEAR. All together now … DO! NOT! WANT!
One of the items shown above is a pair of petite faux leather overalls from ASOS. The other is a pair of men’s rubber chest waders from Amazon. Can you tell which is which? I’m still trying to figure it out…
I’m very intrigued by the new wave of accessories that has cropped up specifically to cater to teenage hipsters attending music festivals (I’m looking at you, giant floral crowns and crocheted bikini tops). Fanciful garters and other thigh decorations meant to be paired with super short shorts are another trend in this category. Pretty sure this pentagram garter, for example, was created to cater to the mysterious, slightly goth breed of festival girl. I’m not sure if I should be more concerned about the fact that a pentagram is a meaningful religious symbol that should probably not just be wrapped around your thigh “because it looks cool,” or because the tan lines from this thing would be pretty horrific. I think I’m gonna go with the tan lines. [$22, Karmaloop]
See this white T-shirt here? I bet you thought it was just a standard plain white tee you’d get in a Hanes 3-pack, didn’t you? Siiiiiiiigh. Could you be any less fashion savvy? This is obviously a “hip hop t-shirt,” designed by Kanye West in a collaboration with French fashion brand A.P.C. It’s made of cotton, so it will shrink when you wash it, and, oh yeah, it costs $120. Now I bet you’re thinking, no one would pay that much for a white cotton t-shirt! Wrong again, my friend. Kanye’s collection sold out almost instantly and demand was so high the A.P.C. website briefly crashed. Proof that he actually is the God he claims to be? Perhaps. [A.P.C. via DListed]
This here is a $295 beach cover up from Haute Hippie. I imagine this sort of thing would look totally appropriate if you’re sunning yourself on a billionaire’s private yacht off the coast of Ibitttttha. But for the 99.9999 percent of the rest of us for whom that seems a distant prospect, this “beach cover-up” just looks like you’ve DIY-ed a hot air balloon into a muumuu.
This swimsuit, which appears to be constructed out of either large keychains or discarded 6-pack rings, balances on your boobs so precariously that if you don’t stand perfectly still in the exact pose this model is in, I’m pretty sure it will just pop off. I’ve seen plenty of swimsuits that aren’t meant for actual swimming, but when a swimsuit isn’t really meant for moving AT ALL, it should at least be good for tanning, and this one fails that test spectacularly. Also? It’s $250. No thanks! [Luisa Via Roma]
This busted, ’90s-inspired, rhinestone-covered, I-could-probably-get something-comparable-for-$9.99-at-Capezio’s body suit by Michael Kors is priced at $5,450. That is all. [Yoox]
Remember when Converse started selling pre-scuffed sneakers for $65 and I thought it was the dumbest thing ever? I take it back. I take it all back. Go buy all the dirty Converse you want. They’re a great deal compared to these stained, rusted, worn-out (but technically still “new”) sneakers from Italian brand A Diciannoveventitre that will cost you a whopping $1,975. In related news, I don’t want to live on this planet anymore. [Barneys]