When I was 13, my 7th grade science class was assigned to dissect a fetal pig. This made me massively uncomfortable. My teacher told us that we could opt out of doing the dissection and use approved online resources for the project instead if we wrote a convincing essay as to why we didn’t want to do it. I wrote about the fact that human fetuses are used for scientific research, but only with the parents’ consent, and you couldn’t obtain consent from a pig; and besides, we weren’t talking about important scientific research, we were talking about a classroom of seventh-graders (read: little barbarians) who had other resources with which to learn the lesson.
I was able to do the online project. The next philosophical step, in my thirteen-year-old mind, was to say that if I was going to give an animal the same dignity as a human being in this respect, I had to apply it in terms of my food, too. So I stopped eating meat on the basis that I didn’t want anything to die in order for me to live.
That lasted seven years.
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This ad for Weight Watchers “Smart Ones” frozen meals popped up before a YouTube video I was watching, and I actually had to watch it twice all the way through to realize it wasn’t some kind of satire or parody. Unfortunately, it’s real. And it’s terrible.
“We brought women like you together in Times Square,” reads the opening title, over a whimsical soundtrack. “It was time to ‘fess up.” This is followed by women (only women, no men) sheepishly admitting to the camera that they like buttered popcorn, or that they once ate cake frosting for breakfast, or that they have a weakness for mini cupcakes. Their confessions are shown on a huge screen in Times Square for all to see (while the women cover their faces in shame), before being digitally erased and replaced with a message: “Congratulations, you now have a clean slate!” Women are then shown cheering and triumphantly holding up empty plates, which they are presumably only to fill with microwavable, highly processed meals from now until eternity. Or maybe, in an ideal world, they just wouldn’t eat at all?
Weight Watchers, I have three words for you: Fuck. This. Noise. Here’s why: Keep reading »
It’s a new year, and that means after a month of effort, you’re ready to quit your New Year’s resolutions. Since you’re reading this in English, I assume you resolved to lose weight, or possibly to learn good the spelling for make much big dollars in email schemes of confidence. Either way, I can help you, the same way I helped that Nigerian prince when he needed to lose weight. Check out 10 insane diets to avoid on Cracked…
Sylvester Graham, an evangelical minister in the 1830s and the world’s first “health nut,” believed that the single greatest health concern facing Americans was rampant sexual desire. In order to suppress these carnal urges, Graham prescribed — what else? — a special diet that would tame the lusty beast within. Keep reading »
If I told you that the “beer and sausage diet” had been dreamed up by a man, no one would be surprised, right? I mean, half of my guy friends already follow this diet religiously, even though they haven’t officially titled it as such. But if I told you that the man who made up this diet has actually been losing weight on it, you would be kind of surprised, right? Well, it’s true. Keep reading »
Diets, man! What a bitch. As a human with a particular fondness for bread, cheese, and meat and a diminutive frame that, presented with the opportunity, will take all of those calories, thank you very much, and keep them forever and ever, I am almost always on some sort of depressing leafy-greens-and-lean-protein restriction. For health, you know? I do it all for health. I’m cautiously assuming that Health is also the reason why Valentino Garavani, the Italian fashion designer formerly responsible for his eponymous house of Valentino and person maybe made of leather, has what strikes me as the saddest eating regimen of all time. Quoth a profile in Harper’s Bazaar:
I try to eat a simple diet: no sugar, no milk, no dairy except goat cheese, no gluten pasta, Bio Rice, no meat, some fish (not the ones with mercury), vegetables, no potatoes, no bread except rice crackers or grissini, one glass of red wine, sugarless sherbet, all sweets made with almond milk and xylitol sweetener, and one coffee a day.
I realize that some people really get off on exclusively consuming food items that are Good For You, and I aspire to one day have the good sense and self-control to be one of these people. I really do! But man, oh man, do I have the secondhand sads for Valentino right now. All that’s left for me to do is to have an extra meat and cheese sandwich today in his honor. [The Gloss]
You might have already expected as much, but those before/after picture for the supplements that claim to help you drop 30 pounds in 30 days or give you an overnight six-pack or whatever insane thing they say they’ll do are all a bunch of hogwash. Aussie personal trainer and fitness blogger MelVFitness demonstrated how those pictures are nothing but an optical illusion by doing her own photo transformation in 15 minutes.
“Check out my transformation! It took me 15 minutes. Wanna know my secret? Well firstly I ditched the phonewallet (fwallet) cause that shit is lame, swapped my bather bottoms to black (cause they’re a size bigger & black is slimming), Smothered on some fake tan, clipped in my hair extensions, stood up a bit taller, sucked in my guts, popped my hip — threw in a skinny arm, stood a bit wider #boxgap, pulled my shoulders back and added a bit of a cheeky/Im so proud of my results smile. Zoomed in on the before pic- zoomed out on the after & added a filter. Cause filters make everything awesome. What’s my point? Don’t be deceived by what you see in magazines & on Instagram.. You never see the dozens of other pics they took that weren’t as flattering. Photoshop can make a pig look hotter then Beyonce.”
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I was halfway through my third fried fish taco at Highland Café in northeast Los Angeles before I realized what I’d done.
“Oh, crap,” I said aloud. A passing waiter looked at me curiously.
“Is everything alright?” he asked kindly. They’re always kind to me at Highland Café, probably because my laptop and I basically live there.
“I’m fine,” I said, embarrassed. “It’s just – I’m just – oh, God, this is so dumb.”
“What’s dumb?” the waiter said in the kind of sympathetic, you-can-tell-me-anything tone used by therapists.
“I’m supposed to be on a…” I paused and cleared my throat.
“On a what?” he asked patiently.
“A juice cleanse,” I whispered. Keep reading »
Kelly Wearstler is a design goddess. Her interiors include hip hotels from around the world and homes of the rich and famous. In recent years, Wearstler has expanded into designing home goods, accessories, jewelry and clothes. I’d deck out my entire lifestyle a la Kelly if only I could afford a $175 scarf.
Bon Appetit did a recent Q&A with Wearstler — one of those fluffy reading, back page sorts of Q&As — and any fan of Kelly Wearstler would read with interest …
… and then get slightly concerned that she survives mostly off flavored water and juice. Keep reading »
Recently, a friend of mine shared with me how unhappy she is with her body. I had been just fine with the way my body looks but once she suggested how she felt about herself, I began to notice an increase in my self-criticism. I felt a bit more plump in my yoga pants, watched more of what I ate, and wanted to start going to the gym. After reading about a new study, my newfound low opinion of my body is beginning to make sense; according to a new study done in the journal Sex Roles, criticism your friends place on their bodies can greatly influence the way you perceive your own. Keep reading »