5 Seconds of Summer is a band that I managed to ignore up until now — but then Calum Hood, a member of the Australian boyband, showed me his dick and I had to take notice. Well, not me specifically, but the internet at large is now familiar with his phallus thanks to the magic of SnapChat. See, Hood — who is 18, BTW — apparently sent a SnapChat video of his junk to a 5SOS fangirl and she, of course, couldn’t wait to brag about it on social media. I don’t use SnapChat because I am an adult who only texts things I stand behind forever, but I thought the whole point was that whatever you send vanishes after a short amount of time? Maybe that’s why Hood was so comfortable unveiling his penis, but he was apparently naive to this fan’s wily ways, because she posted his video on Vine (Caption: CALUMS DICK IM SCREAMING). Hood took to Twitter to casually explain his naughty behavior, saying: “Least ya know what it looks like now,” and then “I’m still just a teenage kid learning from mistakes :).” I was gonna post the Vine after the jump, but the whole “teenage kid” thing — 18 though he may be — is making me feel guilty enough not to. So I’ll just link instead. [Vine via Cosmopolitan]
I hate running with a fiery passion. But thanks to one genius woman who has turned her exercise misery into something inappropriate, I am now inspired to lace up my old sneakers and sprint my little heart out. There’s nothing like hitting the pavement knowing that the calories you’re burning will eventually form a dick pic.
New national treasure, San Francisco’s Claire Wyckoff, has been using satellite-enabled exercise tracking technology from Nike+ to run courses and paths around the city that form penises. We’re talking big ones, small ones, long ones, fat ones, everything. But per her Running Drawing Tumblr page, Claire doesn’t limit herself to just dicks— she also recently drew an extended middle finger and a stripper on a pole, for example. Basically, she’s the new Picasso. Keep reading »
This week’s Anthony Weiner dick pic scandal — part two! — reminded me of this hilarious column written by our dear Mind of Man, John DeVore. Let’s learn, from an actual man, why dudes like to send pictures of their penises. — Amelia
Men send pictures of their penises because we want the world, or the person we love, or the person we love that week, to know that we have penises. We tell ourselves it’s to make women hot and bothered, but the truth is, those pictures just make us swell … with pride. If it wasn’t aberrant behavior, we’d hang pics of our red hot on the refrigerator door like a blue ribbon from the school science fair.
I have sent one picture of my wang to one woman. We were flirting over text, and she dared me, and so I took the picture. Considering I didn’t have time to properly light my apartment, I think the photo of el generalissimo was pretty good. I framed the shot well. I mean, it was no Mapplethorpe, but it wasn’t your average Craigslist wang portrait, where all penises look like they’re attached to an aspiring sexual predator. I sent the pic as a joke, because the request was a joke. She thought the picture was funny. She thought the entire exchange between us was very funny. Too funny. It wasn’t that funny, lady. I sent a picture of my jangly-gangly as a joke, but a little awe wouldn’t have hurt. After all, while it wasn’t a serious text, I still unleashed the kraken. Keep reading »
Ladies, ever get a creepy, unwanted dick pic or jerk off shot from a dude online? There you were, talking about your favorite Jay-Z song and then all the sudden — blam! — there’s a dick all up in your inbox. That’s what happened to Sarah, who had posted a profile on the dating website Let’s Date, hoping to find someone nice. The 20-year-old Long Island, New York, woman was was minding her own business, talking about the weather — literally, talking about the weather — with a guy named Trevor, when he surprise dick-pic-ed her.
Sarah was understandably upset. “I don’t need to be disrespected by someone I don’t know,” she texted back to him. Sarah told Trevor to leave her alone, but he didn’t listen, and instead responded with a barrage of insults. Time and again she asked that he stop messaging her, but he wouldn’t.
But rather than just getting mad, she got even. Keep reading »