Dear Wendy | Page 47

Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Is Addicted To Porn”

Wendy AtterberryNovember 25, 2009 //

My boyfriend of two years has an addiction to porn. We’ve never watched together, and I actually just found out about it three months ago. He was viewing it on my computer and I confronted him about it. I had previously mentioned that porn is not something to ever be viewed on my computer (I have two young girls at home). He was actually replacing our sex life with satisfying his own needs. Things got better … for awhile, but the last two weeks I’ve noticed it on the computer again. Different sites, but still tons of pics of naked girls. I finally confronted him, again. I’m hurt and confused, and seriously sick of living like a nun. This addiction stems from years of being alone. As much as I understand, what’s left for me to do? Can we make it better or is this a lost cause? — Getting Nun

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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Is Still Friends With His Awful Ex”

Wendy AtterberryNovember 18, 2009 //

My boyfriend is still (pretty good) friends with his ex-girlfriends. Not just one of them, but a few. One in particular I have a problem with. They broke up at the end of last year after having dated for four years, and at the beginning of our relationship, he was still unsure if they should try dating again. I hung out with the two of them (plus others) before we had started dating and she gave off this super-fake vibe, so that naturally put me off. They still talk from time to time via GChat, and they’ve hung out a few times — like twice since we started dating five months ago. My problem is that she completely screwed him over on multiple occasions in their relationship, and seems to just cause drama, so I just can’t fathom why he still wants to maintain a friendship. She recently asked him to hang out soon, but he was busy until the following week and she freaked out on him. As a girl, that screams ‘ulterior motive’ to me. As far as he and I are concerned, we’re great. We laugh often and have very open communication. So I’m secure in our relationship, but seeing as they have such a history and I’ve gotten such bad vibes from her (and his friends have expressed their dislike for her), I’m not comfortable with their hanging out. I’ve tried to explain to him how I feel, but he’s not getting it. Do you have any suggestions as to what I could say to try to discourage it? I’m trying to be a cool girlfriend here. — CG

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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend’s Jealous Of My High School Ex”

Wendy AtterberryNovember 17, 2009 //

After about 1.5 years of dating (four months of it long distance), my boyfriend, Tom, and I have decided to split so we can focus on our careers/degree. I said I was fine with seeing each other when we could and staying in each other’s lives under one condition: that he sees me in his life when he moves back to NY in a year and half. He said he wasn’t sure because, “I’ve always been bothered by who you have slept with before me.” Tom and I are four years apart but attended the same schools growing up, and therefore have a lot of mutual friends/family friends/neighbors, etc. One in particular is John, whom I had a relationship with and slept with when I was 16 years old. We had a dumb high school relationship that lasted all of 4 months. Five years later, John’s brother married Tom’s sister, and now Tom and John are, well, kind of related. This creeps Tom out. I was 16. It was nine years ago. I guess if Tom were once madly in love with my sister-in-law, I could see it being uncomfortable, but a random high school relationship? He told me, that for guys, learning your ex had SEX with a friend of theirs is the equivalent to how a girl feels when she finds out her ex was in LOVE with one of your friends. Is this true? Could it really be such a big deal for him? I didn’t even know Tom when I was with John! I want to make it work for us, but this is just something I can’t change. — Haunted By My Past

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Dear Wendy: Find Better Relationships With Positive Thinking

Wendy AtterberryNovember 16, 2009 //

“I was dating a guy recently for a little over a month. Things were going great – we went on dates every weekend, occasionally hung out during the week and we had started to meet each other’s friends. We were definitely progressing towards a relationship. But suddenly, from one day to the next, he didn’t make plans to see me. I made a last effort to contact him — we talked on the phone and I let him know that I did want to see him. He had said definitely and that he would call… but, as you can guess, that was our last conversation as he never called. I am very hurt and confused. I’ve been left in the pouring rain. Why do guys disappear? Why don’t they have the decency to tell us that it isn’t working out instead of pulling the disappearing act and pretending we didn’t matter at all? Especially when things were going fantastic?” — Left in the Rain

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Dear Wendy: Our Roommate’s Wrecking Our Relationship

Wendy AtterberryNovember 12, 2009 //

My boyfriend and I currently rent the downstairs portion of his sisters house and she’s CRAZY so we’re wanting to move out. We had this proposition to move in with some friends of ours and I really don’t want to but he REALLY does. I don’t think it’s realistic for us to be living with other people and we need to start our independence as a couple but he’s excited because he’ll have friends around all the time and having friends is something that is really important to him and the rent would be cheaper for us. There are many pros to moving out with the friends but there are and equal amount of cons (if not more). How do I get him to see my side? – Two’s Enough

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Dear Wendy: Haunted By Boyfriends’ Exes

Wendy AtterberryNovember 11, 2009 //

A few years before I met my long-time boyfriend, he was with a woman he met in high school. They dated for about a year and got engaged, but it didn’t last very long. She had schizophrenia and the stress caused a long list of serious problems that lead to their eventual breakup. For years after, even into the first few months of our relationship, she would leave notes and threaten suicide. She dated his friend for a while and had two abortions, and after the second one she committed suicide. This was about two years ago now, and my problem is that he still has all of her letters and notes. I found them recently in our office; I even found a few referring to a pregnancy she may or may not of actually had terminated, if she was even pregnant (she was known for having hysterical pregnancies). I don’t want to be insensitive and ask him about the notes, which I probably shouldn’t have read, but we’re thinking of getting married next fall and I feel kind of strange having all of these notes from her in our home. I know it’s up to him to be ready to get rid of her letters, but is it wrong for me to ask him to get rid of them? – Haunted

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Dear Wendy: “My Internet Boyfriend Is A Bisexual Cross-Dresser”

Wendy AtterberryNovember 10, 2009 //

I’m dating a guy I met on the internet. We have never met but we text all day, and every night we talk on the phone and so far it’s been great. He’s really nice, very attentive and we have even said ‘I love you.’ But the problem is that he is bisexual and cross-dresses a few times a month. I’m kind of confused, but at least he is honest — we have talked about it and he has tried to calm me down and explain it to me. But I’m actually scared and I don’t know if I should run or accept him for who he is, have fun with the situation, and trust that he is going to be faithful and that he really loves me, because at the end of the day he is nicer than most guys I have dated. I really don’t know what to do, and I have to decide fast because he is coming to see me soon. Should I run? Do bi guys cross-dress or is that something only gay guys do? — Internet Girlfriend

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Dear Wendy: How To Know When You’ve Found The One

Wendy AtterberryNovember 9, 2009 //

Last year I went to Italy for my best friend’s wedding and ended up sleeping with her husband’s best friend at the reception. I was sure I would never see him again, but he hunted me down the next night and ended up driving me to the airport for my departure the next morning. We connected on Facebook and wrote emails to each other regularly. I decided to return to Italy for two months, and while I was living in Florence our love affair continued and intensified. When it came time for me to leave Italy, I cried uncontrollably all the way to my connection in Paris! When I got home I confessed my love for him via email. He responded that he also loved me but he wasn’t sure it was in the “same way.” In the year since then we email each other and he occasionally professes his love and how much he misses me, which sends me reeling. He came to visit me in August and we spent almost three weeks together in Colorado and out east. I daydream about moving back to Italy just to see if he is The One. I can’t discern my feelings for him anymore. Am I in love with him or am I in love with our romantic unreal experience? How do I really know if I love this man? — Is That Amore?

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Dear Wendy: Opening The Door To Love

Wendy AtterberryNovember 6, 2009 //

I’ll start this off by saying that at 22, I recently decided that I need a new perspective on my life and I’m moving to China in February. So, of course, now that I’ve decided I’m leaving the States I’ve met two really fun guys. I have told them about my plans to move and I’ve been seeing both of them non-exclusively for the past three months or so. The first one — I’ll call him Devin — I’d never consider marrying, and is a no-strings-attached FWB kind of situation at most (he has acknowledged this as well). If I can, I’d like to keep him around for the thrill of it. The second guy in question, Andrew, is definitely the marrying kind. We go hiking on the weekends and talk for hours on end every day. This is the kind of guy I could see myself with for an extended period of time and recently he has been hinting at a relationship. I would be head-over-heels if it was not for the fact that I know I’m leaving soon and a Beijing-New York long distance relationship doesn’t sound all that feasible to me, especially when I’m going to be gone for anywhere from six months to four years. What I can’t decide is if it’s really worth pursuing a relationship with Andrew or if I should break if off now before I run off to China and before one or both of us gets hurt and just go about having fun with Devin for now? It seems cruel to start up with Andrew when I know that there will be an expiration date. Or am I getting way too ahead of myself? It has only been three months after all. Thanks! — China Bound

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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend’s Getting Fat”

Wendy AtterberryNovember 4, 2009 //

I’ll start off by saying that I am madly in love with my boyfriend. He is supportive, intelligent, has a great sense of humor … this list goes on and on. There is only one issue that has become increasingly difficult to deal with: he is rapidly gaining weight. It isn’t an uncontrollable amount — I’d say he’s become 40 pounds overweight at this point — I’m just afraid that I’m slowly becoming less and less attracted to him because of the weight issue. He has sparingly expressed interest in working out and losing weight, so it’s not as if he doesn’t notice or care. I have dropped “hints” by discussing interest in my own health (I eat healthy and maintain a healthy weight), but I have said nothing direct to him about it because I realize it’s a very touchy subject. It seems so socially wrong to bring up weight as an “issue”, especially when everything else is so great. We live together and I feel a proposal coming soon. There is no way that I would break up with him at this point simply because of his weight, I just feel like I should nip this thing sooner rather than later to save the attraction. Is there any appropriate way to broach the subject? Or, more importantly, am I in the wrong? — Fortunately Unfortunate

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