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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Doesn’t Like My Hairy Legs”

It’s winter and my boyfriend hates the fact that I don’t shave my legs all the time. It’s not like he stops making me feel sexy, but sometimes he will stroke my legs absentmindedly and then make a face and playfully, but meaningfully, tries to guess the date of my last shave. Maybe his other girlfriends have shaved religiously in the past, but sometimes a woman just wants to be free and embrace all aspects of her womanhood. Should I be offended if my boyfriend gets grossed out by my leg hair? And how should I go about giving this schoolboy a lesson on the unrealistic expectations that the media places on women — besides refusing to shave until he gets good and used to the loveliness? — Keeping Cozy

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Dear Wendy: “I’m Living With My Boyfriend, But I Think I’m A Lesbian”

I’m a 21 year-old girl, who got kicked out of her parents’ house (in Texas) earlier this year. I’m now living in Cali with my current boyfriend who is 27. I love him, but I don’t think I’m in love with him. I’ve known him for about 5-6 years now, but we’ve only been dating for about eight months (I’ve been living with him for about six of them.) I’ve been struggling with my sexuality for a long time now (I identify as bisexual) and I think I might just be a lesbian. If I leave him, I have nowhere else to go. Due to the bad economy I don’t have a job (and I’ve been looking for one since I got here). I don’t know what to do. Please Help!? — Cunfuzzled

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Dear Wendy: “My Girlfriend Cheated. How Do I Move On?”

I have just ended a long-distance relationship. We both agreed at the time of the breakup that circumstances wouldn’t allow our relationship to continue. I cared about her deeply, but that wasn’t enough for her, and I understood her point. The relationship was passionate, and I believed we both loved each other. However, I found out through some common friends that she had started cheating on me at least a week before she broke it off, and lied about it while ending it, pretending to still care about me. She was going to continue doing this behind my back. I want to confront her about this, but I can’t betray my friend’s trust. I want her to know she did something wrong, that she passed on a chance at real happiness, but I know it’s over because I can’t love her anymore. What should I do? What is the proper etiquette for confronting an ex over indiscretions learned after the relationship is over? It is hard for me to let this go. — FrustratedEx

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Dear Wendy: “Should I Stay With My Sick Boyfriend?”

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for about four months. The past couple weeks, he’s been getting sick pretty often and his doctor hasn’t figured out what’s wrong with him. At first, we thought it might be the flu, but it seems like it could be something worse. I’ve noticed that since he started feeling ill, he’s been more reserved and even more distant. His libido dropped and he’s tired often. I remember before all this, we used to go out and have a lot fun together. I don’t even mind particularly if I come over and help him out while he’s feeling down and maybe just cuddle and watch a movie, but it’s definitely not the same. I used to be happier. What’s really killing me is the emotional distance. He used to call me almost everyday but now it’s much less often. In any other situation, I would say we’ve grown apart and should end things, but I’m wondering if (and perhaps hoping that) this is due to the sickness. My question is: should I stick with him and try extra hard to reach out and support him? I can compromise on going out, having sex and dealing with his energy level, but I still need some attention. How often should I call and offer to spend time with him before just giving up? Call me old fashioned, but I usually take it as bad sign if I’m the one initiating the majority of plans, but [this] situation has me thrown for a loop. — Florence Nightingale

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Dear Wendy: “Why Won’t She Label Our Relationship?”

For four years I’ve been really good friends with an on and off girlfriend, during which time it’s been back and forth between sexual intimacy and more of a best-friend relationship. Whenever I bring up the idea of something more permanent, she gets evasive. In undergrad it was easy to skate around this; we both saw other people occasionally, and while we wouldn’t go into details we remained very close, often returning to each other for what was familiar and ‘safe.’ I am leaning towards wanting a permanent relationship with her. I already feel like we’re in a tacit monogamous relationship because neither of us has been out on a date with another person in at least a year, sometimes we spend weeks on end at each others places, other times when life catches up we may miss each other for a week or two, but we’ll still talk every day. The bottom line is that getting to the head of the conversation with her seems really hard. We communicate really well otherwise, but I think she purposefully evades the conversation because she doesn’t want to commit. At this point, what would the difference be by putting a label on it? — Confused in DC

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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Is Stressing Me Out”

My boyfriend of 1.5 years was offered a job across the country a few months ago, to begin in late summer of 2010, and before he accepted it, he asked me if I would move out there with him; I said “yes” and he accepted the job. In the meantime, I’m graduating from my masters program in a few weeks and am actively seeking employment here before I move across country with him. While we are both very excited about the move, the short amount of time I have between now and then makes me very unemployable, as I can only commit to seven months or so. Confounding this, is that my boyfriend says he wants to get engaged before we move out there and wants to be married in the winter or spring of the upcoming year (with me planning the wedding). So, I’m trying to graduate, trying to find a job in this state as well as the one across country, planning a move, perhaps anticipating an engagement and then needing to plan a wedding — I feel overwhelmed. To add to it all, my mother is concerned about my move because I am not engaged or married yet and have still made the choice to join him. Although I am a grown woman, my mother’s approval means a lot to me and not having it is just adding to my stress. (It also does not help that when she was my age she made the same move for her then husband who ended up cheating on her repeatedly and running off to join the military…) She thinks that I am silly to give up job opportunities because it means that I am compromising myself and my future for one that I don’t even know is going to happen yet (i.e. marriage/ a continued life with my boyfriend). While I don’t feel that a ring or a marriage will make us more committed for any specific reason, I cant help but feel that she has a point. Please tell me that I’m crazy and to take a deep breath. — Stressed Girlfriend

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Dear Wendy: “Are Some People Undeserving Of ‘Happily-Ever-After’?”

While at a friend’s birthday party some of my married friends were chatting and I was shocked at what I overheard. Basically they said that some women do not deserve to find a life-long mate. “You can want the husband, children, and house, but that doesn’t mean you get to have it. Some people just don’t deserve that life.” !!!! As a single gal, this is distressing to hear. What do you think? — Deserving Single

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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend’s Apartment Is Still Filled With His Ex-Wife’s Belongings”

In a month and a half, I am moving in with my boyfriend of six months. He lives across the country and I am driving all the way out there to be with him. We are planning on getting married within the next year, which is very exciting! He was married for six years before, during which time his wife cheated on him while he was deployed to Iraq. They separated a year ago and their divorce was finalized a month after we started dating (five months ago). While I have no problem with the fact that he was married before, I do have a problem that his ex-wife’s stuff is still in his house — the couches, old photo albums, some of her art supplies, trash, even some of her old clothes. My first visit there, I was shocked by how many things I kept finding that were hers. Some of it is trash neither of them wants, and my boyfriend isn’t the cleanest person so he hasn’t thrown it away. He’s given her multiple deadlines and she has yet to deliver. She has a new boyfriend, but she calls and texts him at least once a week for advice or something. That’s OK with me– he ended it, it was an uncontested divorce, I have nothing to worry about, and I think it says a lot about their maturity if they aren’t constantly bickering and he hasn’t thrown all of her stuff in the street. But I want a clean slate when I move in. I’m a clean freak, I throw everything away and I want to make this home ours to build our new life together in. — The New Woman

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Dear Wendy: Depressed Husband Is Emotionally Abusive

Let me first start off by saying that I love my husband more than anything else on earth. We have been together for 10 years (no kids yet) and we have a very strong connection and bond, but we have one major problem that is starting to weigh on our marriage. My husband is depressed. He has been as long as I have known him due to a very troubled and unhappy childhood. I have grown to look past it, but it is becoming worse than ever and I can no longer ignore it. The thing is, his depression has a very ugly side. He becomes emotionally abusive to me, often calling me names or making me feel worthless. Although I understand that he is projecting the feelings he has for himself onto me, it still hurts and I am having a very difficult time maintaining my own happiness. He has been out of work lately, which is only adding to his depression. He becomes very angst-ridden and restless and starts to feel like the walls are closing in. He says it has nothing to do with me and that I am the best thing in his life. When I told him that something has to give because I can no longer tolerate the way he treats me, he told me that this is who he is and if I don’t like it, I need to ask him to leave and he will. But I don’t want him to leave! I love this man with all I’ve got! There are moments of happiness, but they are usually few and far between and usually only come when we have some money to spend on things other than bills. He is not one to take anti-depressants (his mother became highly addicted to them) and we are financially unable to afford a therapist. How can I maintain my own happiness and help him at the same time? I must reiterate that I love him and I want nothing more than for us to make it through this. — Depressing Love

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Dear Wendy: “I Don’t Get Along With My Boyfriend’s Friends”

“I have been dating a wonderful man for a year now. We get along well, but there is a sore spot in our relationship: I don’t get along with his friends. I’ve never had a problem getting along with any of my ex-boyfriends friends before, so this is new territory for me. I’m a bubbly individual with silly/slapstick sense of humor, while his friends are more staid people with biting, sarcastic sense of humors. I often feel like they treat me as a ditz (which I am not — I own a business and just entered a Master’s program) and I do not feel comfortable with their negative nature (their sarcasm is often making fun of people/things). It came to a head this Thanksgiving when we went to his friends for dinner. I helped out in the kitchen, fawned over the food, and acted respectfully. After we left, my boyfriend told me he had wanted to stay, but said I ‘looked miserable’ and he didn’t want his friends to feel ‘uncomfortable.’ I’ll admit I didn’t eat much (I’m a vegetarian, there was only so much I could eat), and I was very quiet after dinner, but I always tend to be quiet around them because I never know what to say when they go on their antagonistic tirades about people or modern music. He loves his friends and we hang out with them often (he lives with one and the other lives very close), but obviously my polite, quiet approach is no longer working. What should I do?” — Friendless in Boy World

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