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Dear Wendy: “Couples Are Moving Way Too Fast These Days”

Wendy AtterberryApril 7, 2010 //

I am 24 and my boyfriend is 29 and we have been together for two years. We are very in love. (Sick, I know!). He is my best friend, and we spend almost all of our time with each other, but we don’t live together. Why do people get a strange look on their face when they find out we don’t live together? What has the dating world come to when two 20-somethings can’t just be in a relationship with each other? Why do we have to combine space, belongings, finances and lives even more than we already do when we start dating someone? I would love a reassessment of how a “normal” courtship is supposed to go. I know that we are doing what’s right for us—not rushing into anything, not taking the step that so many have, only to see it blow up miserably. (My sister is a great example of this and even worse my boyfriend, who was married for two years when he was not even older than I am now!) What’s normal these days might not be right! — Appalled by Modern Times

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Dear Wendy: “Everyone Thinks I’m A Slut”

Wendy AtterberryApril 6, 2010 //

I’m 21 years old, and have had 11 sexual partners. I have been in relationships with men I was always faithful to. I have never had a one-night stand, and I am very careful when it comes to practicing safe sex. I still talk to most of the men I have been with, since most were good friends of mine before we slept together, and overall I am perfectly happy with my choices. On a personal level, I have no regrets. However, I cannot seem to get away from that awful word “slut.” I am well aware that I have slept with more men than most girls my age, but I believe we all go through different routes to find happiness and our soul mates. But other people think differently, and I have been judged and called a slut more times than I can count. I have begun seeing a new man, and we have not slept together yet. He is a great guy, but I am scared to tell him how many partners I have had. I am afraid he is going to think I am a slut, and even though he might not say it, he will think less of me. How do I approach telling him, or should I? I won’t apologize for something I don’t feel is wrong, but at the same time I understand that being with a girl who has had a lot of sexual partners can be difficult, and intimidating. And how do I stop it from getting to me that people think I am such a slut? I’m happy with my choices, why can’t people just leave it alone? — Sexually Active in Vermont

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Dear Wendy: “The Only Guys I Attract Are My Best Friends’ Boyfriends”

Wendy AtterberryApril 5, 2010 //

I’m 24 years old and it would be an understatement to say I‘ve never been “that girl” that guys want to date. I don’t really mind and focus most of my energy instead on friends, family, and bettering myself instead of questioning what’s wrong with me. I guess I’m not unattractive because people tell me I’m “beautiful” at least once a week and I’m not overweight (5’6”, 119 lbs, size two, 34C, etc.). I’m smart (Chemistry degree from a top 15 university; medical school this August), but also artistic. So, I’m pretty balanced. My problem is that the only people I seem to attract are my sisters’ and friends’ boyfriends. I’m NOT a flirt by any means and tend to be PAINFULLY shy (I’m working on the shyness). However, these men go out of their way to flirt with me (pull my hair, check me out, make sly comments, touch me, ask me about my “love life,” compliment my clothes, etc) and this problem has even gone as far as them professing their feelings or trying to make a move on me. At first, I didn’t blame myself, but I’m the common denominator. I have had almost 10 years under my belt with this issue, so I MUST be the issue. I’ve tried being cordial while keeping my distance but nothing really works. And currently, I just profess that I’m “asexual” and I’m marrying my career. I try to be as off-putting as I can be. However, I imagine when I get a boyfriend of my own, I won’t have to worry about this stuff, but no one else wants me! I’m going to finally ask the question: “What’s wrong with me? What am I doing wrong? ” — The Shy One

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Dear Wendy: “I Regret Marrying Too Young”

Wendy AtterberryApril 2, 2010 //

I am currently 23 years old and have been with my husband since I was 16 (married for three years; dated for four years before that). I love my husband very much, but I’ve recently been realizing how much I have missed out on, having met him before I was even a senior in high school. He’s four years older than me so he had a little more time to do things, but I’ve never lived on my own, never had a one-night stand, and never had the chance to grow into myself without having him there. When we first got married, I thought I was OK with that. But now, we’re getting to the point where we’re thinking of doing the “big stuff” (buying a house, having children) and I’m realizing that, wow, I really won’t be able to do any of these things. I find myself resenting my husband for taking my youth away from me. I was thinking that maybe a short term separation could be helpful. Let me live on my own and do stupid things for a few months just so I can say I have. I’m not looking to be unfaithful. I’m just unhappy. Do you think a couple could survive that? How do I even bring something like that up? I’m afraid if I don’t do something now, then I will when we’re older and have more responsibilities. — Young and Troubled

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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend’s Mother Is Racist”

Wendy AtterberryApril 1, 2010 //

I’ve been dating a guy for about a year, and the relationship is great. I like him a lot, his friends are cool, and he gets along well with mine. We’re both from the area that we live in now, and over the course of things, I’ve brought him to a few family events. He has a great time with most of my extended family, and they like him a lot, too. I’m really good friends with one of his cousins, and I’ve met some other younger members of his family (everything went swimmingly), but unfortunately, he’s been very hesitant to have me meet his mom, even though she lives just a few blocks away from him. I know why, too: she doesn’t like white people. This isn’t me making things up: he’s explained it all. She still asks him when he’ll be getting back together with the girl he dated before me — because she was black. I’d really like to meet her, and I know that I generally make good impressions on parents, but I also don’t want to cause any more stress than the issue is worth. My boyfriend and I are both young, and I don’t expect we’ll be getting married or anything … but it still bugs me that other girls (even platonic friends of ours!) get to be involved in his life in a way that I can’t, because of my race. This is pretty much the only area of our relationship where that fact that we’re interracial has had a negative effect. Do I push the issue to make a point, or should I just let it go? — The White Girlfriend

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Dear Wendy: “My Boyfriend Won’t Cut The Apron Strings”

Wendy AtterberryMarch 30, 2010 //

I would like to move in with my boyfriend, but I have a real problem with his mother — she shows up at his house all the time without calling, is very intrusive, always dominates the conversation and is generally annoying. She and my boyfriend are very close, even though they don’t have the best relationship — there are no boundaries and explosive fights are the norm. After those insane fights, I have to clean up the mess by listening to my boyfriend vent about how annoying she is, how she’s ruined his life, how she can’t be controlled, how she’s insane, etc. It gets exhausting. Even though she helped my boyfriend buy his house, I can’t take her showing up unannounced continually and puttering around with things in the place. He has said he will talk to her about respecting the fact that I will be paying rent to live there, but I’m not sure it will have any effect. He has admitted many times that there’s no talking to her and that she just does what she wants. I’m used to space and privacy, and can’t have a mother-in-law figure continuously hovering around. I do feel bad for her and respect her and her son’s relationship and don’t want to jeopardize it. He is the focal point of her entire life and has been since he was born. She and my boyfriend’s dad had a horrendous divorce and to this day (about 30 years later) she continues to bash him. These days she’s single, does not speak to her family (except her son), and has few friends. How can I lay down what I want in my living arrangements without being demanding? Should I just take my boyfriend at his word — that she can’t be talked to — and not move in with him and eventually find someone new? — Confused

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Dear Wendy: “Should I Tell My New Boyfriend I Was Raped?”

Wendy AtterberryMarch 29, 2010 //

I’ve been dating my boyfriend for three months and things are going great. I really enjoy his company, I respect him, and I feel safe around him. The problem is, three years ago my ex-boyfriend raped me. It took me a while to come to terms with the fact that I was raped (because he wasn’t a stranger, because it wasn’t the stereotypical “guy jumping out of the bushes” scenario) and so I never talked to a counselor about it. For the most part I have moved on with my life and am able to function normally in romantic/sexual situations. Every now and then though it still bothers me and I feel really angry and upset. I would like to tell my boyfriend about this part of my past, first because it does still affect me and second because I need to talk to someone about it and I feel like I need to be able to admit to it happening to be able to get over it. But, we haven’t been dating that long and I don’t want to make him see me differently or feel differently about me. I also am worried about scaring him off (which is probably irrational) or making him feel like he can’t be sexual with me. Advice? — Survivor in Indiana

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Dear Wendy: “Should I Break Up With My Deployed Boyfriend?”

Wendy AtterberryMarch 27, 2010 //

I have been with my boyfriend for about three years now. He is my first real boyfriend and my first real love. We have a wonderful relationship; he treats me so well, and is incredibly loving. Everyone we know always says that he is one of the best people they’ve ever met. So what’s the problem? He’s been enlisted in the military for almost our entire relationship, and we see each other about four times a year. Right now, he is deployed in Afghanistan and won’t be back till September, so communication is extremely limited. I love him so much, but I often find myself frustrated with our relationship because of the distance. I’m in college, and I sometimes feel like I hold myself back from having more fun because I have a boyfriend who I rarely see. When he’s home, I am so happy and I know that he is someone that I could spend my life with. But every time he leaves, I find myself in the same place. I feel like I can’t talk to any of my friends because they can’t relate to what I’m going through, so I feel stuck. I’m still young, and I feel like a “military wife” when I don’t want to be. Should I give up the love of my life to feel more my age? — Lonely in Minnesota

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Dear Wendy: “Should I Tell My Boyfriend I Lied About My Sexual History?”

Wendy AtterberryMarch 25, 2010 //

Two years ago when my boyfriend and I were having a conversation about when we lost our virginity, I lied and told him I was 22 and had slept with three people before him. The truth is that I’d just lost my virginity a few months earlier when I was 25 and hadn’t slept with anyone else until my boyfriend. I [was] just embarrassed to tell the truth and, at the time, didn’t foresee this relationship lasting very long or think the lie was going to matter. Fast forward two years, and I love this guy and now we live together. Under normal circumstances I would just come clean, and I wouldn’t fear his reaction. I know he would just laugh at me for being embarrassed and lying about something so silly. But there is another complication. Last year I was diagnosed with cervical cancer, caused by HPV. I did some treatments, and now I have recovered. My boyfriend was amazingly supportive throughout that whole difficult time, but he assumes I got the HPV before him and had it for a few years before developing cancer. He doesn’t know that I’ve only slept with one other person and it was protected sex and only two times! The odds are I got this from my boyfriend, who has slept with so many women that he can’t even count them. I’d like to get this off my chest, but I keep stopping myself. I don’t want him to think that I am telling him this just to make him feel guilty. I don’t blame him in any way. He had no idea he had HPV and it is just bad luck that this happened. Medically speaking, there is no reason to tell him since he already knows he has HPV. He just thinks he got it from me and not the other way around. So, should I tell him or is there no point now? — Recovered

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Dear Wendy: “Should I Try To Reconnect With My Former Friend?”

Wendy AtterberryMarch 24, 2010 //

“Shortcuts” is a new feature of “Dear Wendy” in which I answer readers’ letters in two sentences or less because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Here we go with round two:

After many years of friendship, a friend and I had a falling out shortly after I got married last May. There were many issues that needed to be resolved in order to rectify our friendship. I sent her an e-mail expressing my concerns and even offered to fix the issues that we had in the friendship. She ignored my email and chose to not contact me again, with no “true” closure between us. We haven’t spoken in many months and while I’m not overly excited to contact her again (after all, she chose not to respond to the e-mail I sent), I did some Facebook “research” and discovered she still has herself tagged in some of my wedding photos. Personally, I would remove the tags on the photos and move forward in life, so I’m wondering if it’s possible she is trying to remember “the good ol’ days” of our friendship or could possibly be seeking to re-connect with me at a more appropriate time later in our lives? Should I hold out any hope that she could return at some point? — Former Friend

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