I’ve been with my girlfriend for a year. I love her, for so many reasons, and she’s very attractive (intellectually and physically). For the first six months of dating, I couldn’t think of anybody but her, and if I did start to think of anyone else, I just shut that part of me down. As soon as the six-month mark hit, though, I found myself attracted to other girls. It wasn’t just physical attraction — I’m a guy, I imagine every attractive woman I see bouncing on the end of my d**k — but the kind of attraction that, were I not with my girlfriend, would make me try to pick these girls up. And I don’t know if it bothered me because I didn’t want to be attracted to anybody but her, or if I was bothered by the fact that I wanted to flirt with these other girls — almost all of whom are part of my girlfriend’s social circle. Well, I told my girlfriend and at first she reassured me that it was normal for people to be attracted to others, even if they’re in relationships (though she’s never told me about anyone she was attracted to; what’s up with that?). But now, a year into our relationship, she’s turned a bit into that “crazy/jealous girlfriend” stereotype. At social gatherings, I can’t help but want to be around these other girls, and my girlfriend glares at me occasionally, or joins in our conversations (not rudely, but she is there). I’m open and honest with her, and tell her who I like and why. And now she just cries. What am I supposed to do? Lie? —Horn Dog

My boyfriend is still (pretty good) friends with his ex-girlfriends. Not just one of them, but a few. One in particular I have a problem with. They broke up at the end of last year after having dated for four years, and at the beginning of our relationship, he was still unsure if they should try dating again. I hung out with the two of them (plus others) before we had started dating and she gave off this super-fake vibe, so that naturally put me off. They still talk from time to time via GChat, and they’ve hung out a few times—like twice since we started dating five months ago. My problem is that she completely screwed him over on multiple occasions in their relationship, and seems to just cause drama, so I just can’t fathom why he still wants to maintain a friendship. She recently asked him to hang out soon, but he was busy until the following week and she freaked out on him.  As a girl, that screams ‘ulterior motive’ to me. As far as he and I are concerned, we’re great. We laugh often and have very open communication. So I’m secure in our relationship, but seeing as they have such a history and I’ve gotten such bad vibes from her (and his friends have expressed their dislike for her), I’m not comfortable with their hanging out. I’ve tried to explain to him how I feel, but he’s not getting it.  Do you have any suggestions as to what I could say to try to discourage it? I’m trying to be a cool girlfriend here. — CG

After about 1.5 years of dating (four months of it long distance), my boyfriend, Tom, and I have decided to split so we can focus on our careers/degree. I said I was fine with seeing each other when we could and staying in each other’s lives under one condition: that he sees me in his life when he moves back to NY in a year and half. He said he wasn’t sure because, “I’ve always been bothered by who you have slept with before me.”  Tom and I are four years apart but attended the same schools growing up, and therefore have a lot of mutual friends/family friends/neighbors, etc.  One in particular is John, whom I had a relationship with and slept with when I was 16 years old. We had a dumb high school relationship that lasted all of 4 months. Five years later, John’s brother married Tom’s sister, and now Tom and John are, well, kind of related. This creeps Tom out. I was 16. It was nine years ago. I guess if Tom were once madly in love with my sister-in-law, I could see it being uncomfortable, but a random high school relationship? He told me, that for guys, learning your ex had SEX with a friend of theirs is the equivalent to how a girl feels when she finds out her ex was in LOVE with one of your friends. Is this true? Could it really be such a big deal for him? I didn’t even know Tom when I was with John! I want to make it work for us, but this is just something I can’t change. — Haunted By My Past

“I was dating a guy recently for a little over a month. Things were going great - we went on dates every weekend, occasionally hung out during the week and we had started to meet each other’s friends. We were definitely progressing towards a relationship. But suddenly, from one day to the next, he didn’t make plans to see me. I made a last effort to contact him—we talked on the phone and I let him know that I did want to see him. He had said definitely and that he would call… but, as you can guess, that was our last conversation as he never called. I am very hurt and confused. I’ve been left in the pouring rain. Why do guys disappear? Why don’t they have the decency to tell us that it isn’t working out instead of pulling the disappearing act and pretending we didn’t matter at all? Especially when things were going fantastic?” — Left in the Rain

My boyfriend and I currently rent the downstairs portion of his sisters house and she’s CRAZY so we’re wanting to move out. We had this proposition to move in with some friends of ours and I really don’t want to but he REALLY does. I don’t think it’s realistic for us to be living with other people and we need to start our independence as a couple but he’s excited because he’ll have friends around all the time and having friends is something that is really important to him and the rent would be cheaper for us. There are many pros to moving out with the friends but there are and equal amount of cons (if not more). How do I get him to see my side? —Two’s Enough

A few years before I met my long-time boyfriend, he was with a woman he met in high school. They dated for about a year and got engaged, but it didn’t last very long. She had schizophrenia and the stress caused a long list of serious problems that lead to their eventual breakup. For years after, even into the first few months of our relationship, she would leave notes and threaten suicide. She dated his friend for a while and had two abortions, and after the second one she committed suicide. This was about two years ago now, and my problem is that he still has all of her letters and notes. I found them recently in our office; I even found a few referring to a pregnancy she may or may not of actually had terminated, if she was even pregnant (she was known for having hysterical pregnancies). I don’t want to be insensitive and ask him about the notes, which I probably shouldn’t have read, but we’re thinking of getting married next fall and I feel kind of strange having all of these notes from her in our home. I know it’s up to him to be ready to get rid of her letters, but is it wrong for me to ask him to get rid of them? —Haunted

I’m dating a guy I met on the internet. We have never met but we text all day, and every night we talk on the phone and so far it’s been great. He’s really nice, very attentive and we have even said ‘I love you.’ But the problem is that he is bisexual and cross-dresses a few times a month. I’m kind of confused, but at least he is honest — we have talked about it and he has tried to calm me down and explain it to me. But I’m actually scared and I don’t know if I should run or accept him for who he is, have fun with the situation, and trust that he is going to be faithful and that he really loves me, because at the end of the day he is nicer than most guys I have dated. I really don’t know what to do, and I have to decide fast because he is coming to see me soon. Should I run? Do bi guys cross-dress or is that something only gay guys do? — Internet Girlfriend

Last year I went to Italy for my best friend’s wedding and ended up sleeping with her husband’s best friend at the reception. I was sure I would never see him again, but he hunted me down the next night and ended up driving me to the airport for my departure the next morning. We connected on Facebook and wrote emails to each other regularly. I decided to return to Italy for two months, and while I was living in Florence our love affair continued and intensified. When it came time for me to leave Italy, I cried uncontrollably all the way to my connection in Paris!  When I got home I confessed my love for him via email. He responded that he also loved me but he wasn’t sure it was in the “same way.” In the year since then we email each other and he occasionally professes his love and how much he misses me, which sends me reeling. He came to visit me in August and we spent almost three weeks together in Colorado and out east. I daydream about moving back to Italy just to see if he is The One. I can’t discern my feelings for him anymore. Am I in love with him or am I in love with our romantic unreal experience? How do I really know if I love this man? — Is That Amore?

I’ll start this off by saying that at 22, I recently decided that I need a new perspective on my life and I’m moving to China in February. So, of course, now that I’ve decided I’m leaving the States I’ve met two really fun guys. I have told them about my plans to move and I’ve been seeing both of them non-exclusively for the past three months or so. The first one — I’ll call him Devin — I’d never consider marrying, and is a no-strings-attached FWB kind of situation at most (he has acknowledged this as well). If I can, I’d like to keep him around for the thrill of it. The second guy in question, Andrew, is definitely the marrying kind. We go hiking on the weekends and talk for hours on end every day. This is the kind of guy I could see myself with for an extended period of time and recently he has been hinting at a relationship. I would be head-over-heels if it was not for the fact that I know I’m leaving soon and a Beijing-New York long distance relationship doesn’t sound all that feasible to me, especially when I’m going to be gone for anywhere from six months to four years. What I can’t decide is if it’s really worth pursuing a relationship with Andrew or if I should break if off now before I run off to China and before one or both of us gets hurt and just go about having fun with Devin for now? It seems cruel to start up with Andrew when I know that there will be an expiration date. Or am I getting way too ahead of myself? It has only been three months after all. Thanks! — China Bound

I have been with my boyfriend for almost three years now. He is 24 years older than me and naturally we have our up days and down days. On Saturday night while he was asleep I went onto his cell phone and found a picture of another man’s penis on his phone. I am not allowed on his phone without asking him first and didn’t know how to confront him about this pic. So on Sunday morning I asked him if I could resend an SMS to my phone and ‘mistakingly’ went into his pics. But before I could see it he deleted it. I asked him what it was and he said a car. I told him he was lying and I know what I saw, he just said “why would I have a pic of another man’s penis on my cell?” Now I’m totally confused and worried at the same time. What do I make of this and how do I handle the situation? By the way, I sent a copy of that pic to my phone as evidence. — Worried Snoop

I’ll start off by saying that I am madly in love with my boyfriend. He is supportive, intelligent, has a great sense of humor ... this list goes on and on. There is only one issue that has become increasingly difficult to deal with: he is rapidly gaining weight. It isn’t an uncontrollable amount — I’d say he’s become 40 pounds overweight at this point — I’m just afraid that I’m slowly becoming less and less attracted to him because of the weight issue. He has sparingly expressed interest in working out and losing weight, so it’s not as if he doesn’t notice or care. I have dropped “hints” by discussing interest in my own health (I eat healthy and maintain a healthy weight), but I have said nothing direct to him about it because I realize it’s a very touchy subject. It seems so socially wrong to bring up weight as an “issue”, especially when everything else is so great. We live together and I feel a proposal coming soon. There is no way that I would break up with him at this point simply because of his weight, I just feel like I should nip this thing sooner rather than later to save the attraction. Is there any appropriate way to broach the subject?  Or, more importantly, am I in the wrong? — Fortunately Unfortunate

I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and we have lived together almost that long. The relationship moved fast, we have known each other since college and stayed in touch on and off.  He was not boyfriend material back then because he was a bit of a player and could not be trusted, but now we’re both 28 and, finally, last year we decided to start a relationship. Things began over phone/text because we lived four hours apart.  He was super sweet and said very romantic things which I completely fell for… At the time he had two jobs and seemed to be a hard-working guy with lots of friends. He did not have a great job, but at the time I was like who cares, everyone takes their own path to their goals in life. He entered the army last fall to help him finance finishing college and went to boot camp in GA. He lasted a month, decided it was not for him and moved in with me.  This is when I feel like the truth came out ... he went from having two jobs and working hard to being unemployed for months, spending most of what money he had on movies, and buying drinks for friends when we went out. Eventually got a job and now he pays cable, electric bills. While we do get along and have stuff in common, I find myself questioning his basic character and ability to man up and face problems without running from them.  If I were 24, I would probably have already broken up with him.  At 28, I feel like I may end up alone if I do not find some kind of relationship ... Help! — Bummed in Boston

When I first met my good buddy, Zac, three years ago, I had a huge crush on him, but he let me know he didn’t feel the same and the feeling eventually went away.  We’ve been on good terms since then, and recently we decided to become f**k buddies. Things have been going alright, and we really haven’t been experiencing any of the usual problems associated with the friends with benefits situation. The thing is, I sometimes want a more intimate relationship. I get the urge to just hug him or kiss him or the want to be held by him, and I look forward to the times we get to be alone together, even if we’re just watching tv and doing homework (we’re roommates too—easy booty call).  I’ve started having daydreams about him, and I know it’s a bad move but I feel myself slipping back into the old crush habit.
He’s always given very mixed signals to me, one of the things that led to problems between us earlier in our friendship when I wanted things to move in a more steady direction with him but he turned me down. Our level of sexual chemistry is extremely high, and we’re so close on a friendship level that I feel like I almost want more. Am I being naive in thinking and hoping that a sex buddy could turn into something more?  I don’t know whether to bring it up and risk ruining what we already share, let it go and keep heading down this path, or cutting it off before I get my heart broken.  — More Than A Buddy

I am 24 and have been married for about 2 1/2 years. Since getting married, we have visited my husband’s parents, who live about 45 minutes away, at least once a week, including practically every weekend. My husband and I both work full time and weekends are really the only downtime that we have together. He’s really close to his parents — he lived with them until we got married — and sometimes I feel like “the bad guy” if I don’t want to go over. Even when I don’t go with him he’ll still make it a point to go alone, which obviously still interferes with our time. It even goes beyond weekends; forget about trying to go away for the holidays—his family has always spent the holidays together and it would be unheard of not to. I’ve tried talking to my husband because as much as I love his parents and get along with them, I feel like we’re too connected to them. I feel that he’d rather not “rock the boat” and would just feel guilty for saying anything. He just tells me he feels that once a week is reasonable and that he feels holidays are “family time.” I’ve even convinced myself that there’s no way we can ever have kids if we live in the same city as them because I’m worried it will only get worse! Is my husband too attached to his parents or am I making a big deal of nothing? — Annoyed Daughter-in-Law

I am 30 years old and I’ve been dating my fiancé for seven years. We have one child together and I have a child from a previous relationship. He proposed last year, and we’ve recently been talking about going to the justice of the peace. He keeps saying he wants to marry me, but now he has to “get his business off the ground” and get money for a pre-nup first even though he doesn’t own any property or have large savings. Before the pre-nup talk it was “we have to wait until we get the house” (which didn’t work out). It just seems like he is constantly coming up with ways to delay marriage. I tried to discuss a date last week and he went off telling me not to pressure him.  It’s been seven years — how long am I supposed to wait? I have been with him since college, we broke up and got back together. I can’t wait any longer but I don’t want to give him an ultimatum. Something is wrong with this picture. All of this time invested warrants a marriage. What do I do?? I am so frustrated and I think I need to leave. — Frustrated Fiancée

I am 24 years old and currently in a committed, loving, happy relationship.  My boyfriend of 2.5 years is cute, sexy, kind, intelligent, AND we are so compatible that we barely fight; we are really really good together. Before him, I dated non-seriously, but he is my first love and my first really serious relationship.  Although I am happy now and fully committed, I can’t help but think that though I want to end up with him in the long run, I would like to be single again, experiment or date around a little bit, and be on my own before I REALLY settle down and get married.  There have been no serious marriage talks, engagements, or proposals yet, but once I did mention this want to him before and it kind of hurt him, because it made him feel sick to his stomach to imagine me with anyone else but him.  For some reason I thought that he, being a guy, would want the same thing and to experiment/be free a bit before settling down, but I assumed wrong.  And having these feelings makes me feel bad or greedy or like I shouldn’t want to date other people before I settle down, but I definitely don’t want to get married with ANY doubts.  Am I wrong or is it bad to want this?  Will it ruin our relationship in the long run, or make things too complicated?  I am afraid that I would make this decision and then regret it later after realizing how much it hurts both of us, or something like that ... but then again like I said I don’t want to have any doubts. — Wondering

I graduated about two years ago and moved from Chicago to Florida. My best friend from college still lives in Chicago and we have remained very close. Ever since last December, when I got engaged, this friend is driving me CRAZY. She throws herself a pity party every day and then gets upset when no one comes. I am having a very small wedding so have not asked much from my bridesmaids but whenever she volunteers to do something she then complains about it for the next month—to me. She recently told me that she’s spending so much money on weddings that she has decided she’s going to throw herself a “singles party” and that everyone must bring presents. I understand that attending weddings is a financial burden—but being that I am the one hosting the wedding I feel like she should probably find someone else to talk to about that. On top of that—she’s been complaining so much recently that my fiance doesn’t want her to come to the wedding - let alone be IN the wedding party anymore. Am I being a Bridezilla? Or does my friend need to keep some of her comments to herself? Can our friendship possibly survive my wedding and her pity parties? — Frustrated in Florida

After being in an 11-year relationship with someone I met when we were 18, a mix of drugs and bad attitudes finally came to a head this past January and we ended things.  About four months ago I met a really great guy. He is successful and stable — pretty much everything my ex wasn’t.  We have a great time together and spend almost every minute we aren’t working together. Unfortunately, there isn’t that “chemistry” I had with my ex. And my ex has suddenly decided to barge back into my life. After our last phone conversation, well I wouldn’t really call it a conversation, more like him cursing me out for emotionally abandoning him and moving on with my life (gotta love the drug addict), he’s now saying he’s now completely reformed and wants to give me everything he wasn’t able to before when he was so screwed up. Like an idiot I continue to answer his phone calls and have even seen him on two different occasions.  My question is, is it still considered cheating if it is with your ex who you were with for 11 years? I am not emotionally attached to my ex anymore but that chemistry or “fire” that has always been there attracts me and causes me to do things I normally would never do in my right mind. I have told him (my ex) how horrible I feel about what I have done to my new guy but he assures me that it is okay because to him, these are “special circumstances”.  Do you agree with that?  Or is cheating, cheating regardless? — Dazed and Confused

I’ve recently started dating a super smart, weird, quirky, cute, funny and beautiful girl. I never like anyone, but I like her. There’s one minor (hairy) issue. She doesn’t keep things very trimmed down there. Now, before you get angry, let me preface this by saying that I really don’t need a Brazilian on my girl (or even anything really from the South American continent, for that matter)—just a nice landing strip. Is that too much to ask for? Those in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones, so I do keep my things regularly trimmed. We’ve only been dating for a month or so, but we’ve spent a lot of time together (it’s a long distance thing, so we’ve basically spent the past few weekends totally together = relationship time warp), so I feel as if this isn’t jumping the gun or anything to think about long term personal grooming habits. am I being a superficial douche? Isn’t it fair to ask for some quid pro quo trimming? I think yes. If you agree, my ultimate question is: how do I broach the trimming subject with my long distance girl? What strategies do you have? — Hair Hater

I am a freshman in college and am loving it. I had no trouble making the transition and while I miss my family, I’ve found it relatively easy to settle into my new situation. Before moving in, I had to say goodbye to my best friend, which was the toughest thing I’ve ever had to do. For years we have shared everything. We agree on almost everything and love each other’s company. I really do not believe I will ever meet anyone who I could love and rely on as much as I do with her. The problem is that she doesn’t like her college. She’s been talking of transferring to my school and has been making repeated visits to see me. I love getting to see her, but like I said before, we shared everything. It almost got irritating (to me—I’ve never seen any indication that she felt this way). I would make a friend and then they would become her friend too. I would find something I had an interest in and she would adopt the hobby too. I was starting to feel like I wasn’t my own person. For the past few years I’ve actually enjoyed being her second half, but now that I’m in college I’ve been enjoying my independence. The bottom line is that I don’t want her here. More importantly though, I don’t want to hurt her feelings, especially since, like I said, I don’t ever anticipate caring about someone as much as I care about her. What should I do? Is there anything to be done? — Miss Independent