Will we ever come down from our Rob Ford high? Here’s the crack-smoking Toronto mayor’s admission speech, as performed by Jennifer Lawrence, Jonah Hill, Martha Stewart, Jesse Tyler Ferguson and Vince Vaughn, in the style of a Ken Burns’ documentary. [Buzzfeed]
Jennifer Lawrence had a scheduled appearance on “The Late Show With David Letterman” recently, but she couldn’t make it. Why? Because she was crapping her pants. Several times a day. And had to go to the hospital. “You can only shit your pants so many times a day before you, like, have to go to the emergency room,” she said. This is true. Jennifer shared all of these details and more with David Letterman, who could only respond, “Oh … my … goodness.” Get well soon, Jennifer! And stay near a toilet! [YouTube]
Here’s what I imagined happened in advance of David Letterman’s interview with Ryan Lochte. The notoriously caustic talk show host was told under no certain terms was he to bring up the Olympic medalist’s reputation for being dumb as rocks. He must focus his interview exclusively on Lochte’s accomplishments in the pool and his new TV show, “What Would Ryan Lochte Do?” So that’s what Letterman did. He read through a bunch of the swimming events Lochte won medals in and paused for him to explain what each was. He asked him if he would be participating in the next Olympics — “Where is that again?” “Rio,” Lochte responded with a smile. And later, “When is the next Olympics again?” “2016,” said Lochte. “And it’s 2013 now,” responded Letterman, pushing Lochte to do the math. And bless his heart, Lochte answered every single one of these softball questions correctly. Good job, Ryan!
During Selena Gomez’s appearance on “The Late Show With David Letterman” last night, the topic of Selena’s ex-boyfriend Justin Bieber inevitably came up. Letterman’s Bieber hate is well-documented, and he mentioned the brutal interview last year during which he’d made Bieber cry. As the audience laughed, Gomez paused for a second and then said, “Well then, that makes two of us.” A triumphant fist bump ensued, and a “We Made The Biebs Cry” club was officially formed. Hopefully Selena has put extra security in place today, because the Beliebers are not going to like this. [YouTube via Opposing Views]
Poor Kim Kardashian. Everywhere she goes, she’s peppered with questions about still being married to Kris Humphries while pregnant with boyfriend Kanye West’s baby. On last night’s “Late Show with David Letterman,” Dave held nothing back as he pressed Kim on why she isn’t divorced from Kris yet. She explained that the hold up is because Kris is pushing for an annulment, claiming fraud and that she only married him for publicity. Sister Kourtney had the last word on that, quipping, ”I think if she was going to do it for publicity, she’s pick someone that people knew.” Sick burn. Letterman also decided having Kim on the show was the perfect opportunity to revisit Kanye’s infamous “Imma let you finish” upstaging of Taylor Swift at the MTV VMAs, which Kim says is just a reflection of Kanye’s “passion.” Two clips above!
Huh? That’s really all I can say after watching Kristin Chenoweth’s recent appearance on Letterman. Let me get this straight: She’s wearing sunglasses because she got eyelash extensions, but had an allergic reaction to the formaldehyde in the glue and now she has lips for eyelids (otherwise known as “slutty eyes”) and just needs a rat on her eyelids? And it just gets worse from there. A shout out to the Asian community? Anti-terrorism glue? A Purell and Vick’s Vapor Rub mask? Neck brace? Find the earring? Is it possible that the formaldehyde is also affecting her ability to make sense of reality? Help me understand what’s happening here, please. [Buzzfeed]
If sexuality is fluid, then my tide is swelling for Salma Hayek. Seriously, I could just listen to her speak for hours, my head nestled in her pillow-y bosom. The actress was on “Late Night With David Letterman” last night and really it’s kind of irrelevant what she talked about — hurting her ankle? her earrings? her, blech, husband? — because I was hypnotized simply by the cadence of her voice. She is dreamy.
Lady Gaga‘s much hyped Born This Way drops this week, which has our girl hitting the publicity circuits even harder than usual. In addition to being the musical guest on the season finale of “Saturday Night Live” this past weekend and having a threesome with Justin Timberlake and Andy Samberg, yesterday Gaga sat down with David Letterman for a chat. During the interview, Lady Gaga explained her new vehicle of choice, the egg. “It’s a place where I can meditate and experience rebirth,” she said. “So I just get inside of it and close it, and then when I feel that I have been reborn spiritually, I just, whoo, come out.” Keep reading »