Sometimes the worst thing about having a fight with the person you’re dating is not that you’re fighting, or even what you’re fighting about; it’s about not understanding each other’s fighting style. Because whenever we fight, we go into our lizard brain default mode and before we know it we’re on autopilot going off on how he’s going to overcook the rice again and now he’s doing that annoying sympathy seeking thing. Fine! I’ll never cook rice again! You’ll be the only one ever allowed to cook rice since you’re the expert at it. How’s that? And … we’re off!
Geez, how did you end up here when all you really wanted to tell him was that your grandma taught you a special rice cooking trick that he might like to try? No matter how naturally compatible you are when you’re getting along, chances are, especially in the early days of your love, you’ll have to work at being compatible in the fighting department. That’s the tricky part — identifying your S.O.’s fighting style and learning to hear what he’s really saying about the rice. Below, some common fighting styles and some tips for dealing with them. Keep reading »
In a well-argued, well-researched piece on NYMag.com, Ann Friedman makes her case for never mixing work and dating. Despite it being more convenient for 20-something women who are trying to make “serious strides in [their careers] before [they have] to make tough decisions about marriage and kids” to find potential suitors in the office, Friedman thinks that having a “co-worker-boyfriend hybrid” remains a bad idea. For her, it has to do with fostering career confidence:
“There’s such a thing as having your ambitions too in sync with those of your partner. As someone who spent all of her early twenties dating fellow journalists, I would never advise a young woman to follow my example. I didn’t suffer any professional disasters, but I did have to deal with a lot of personal anxieties I might not have experienced otherwise…I don’t think it’s a total coincidence that I’ve been most professionally successful in the years since I instituted my ‘no journo’ dating rule. Once I disentangled my feelings about my relationships from my feelings about my own work and career, I was more confident and could make clearer choices in both areas of my life.”
I respect the point she makes, but I tend to think of the choice to date a co-worker as one made on a case-by-case basis depending on circumstances, career field (who would celebs date if they didn’t date each other?) and personal readiness, not by a moral imperative. Ah, I’m such a relativist when it comes to love. Keep reading »
I think I’ve mentioned (numerous times) that canned dating advice drives me crazy. Love and relationships are not a one-size-fits-all pair of shoes. I admittedly don’t have all the answers, but I’ve found that I give the best advice when I share my own stories — as weird as they may be — and offer empathy. Inspired by Jack Handy’s “Deep Thoughts,” Date-Ade offers stream of consciousness solutions for stressed daters.
If you have a sex, dating or relationship dilemma that you’d like for me to try to illuminate (no promises), send your questions to firstname.lastname@example.org.
When I went through my last breakup (before my current, very happy relationship) — I think I was on breakup #72 in my dating lifetime — I was like, game over. I’m not doing this anymore. Because at a certain point, after enough relationships bomb, you just don’t have the will to keep trying anymore. I know I didn’t. I was like Wile E. Coyote when he gets flattened by the Roadrunner, only without the motivation to get back up. It wasn’t that I was so heartbroken over this guy; it was that I was so heartbroken over constantly getting my heart broken. While I was peeling my soul off the asphalt (read: drinking lots of Malbec and doing lots of hot yoga) a friend said something helpful to me: Where there is driftwood. Keep reading »
I was still trying to understand the impetus behind toilet dating, when I saw yet another shitty idea for the unattached: single wristbands. Seriously, is trying to embarrass single people trendy for fall? Rina Mardahl and Rob Young’s amazing relationship inspired them to create MY Single Band, colored, silicone wristbands that single people can wear to identify each other in public places. Kind of like those Live Strong bands but for the unlucky in love. If you didn’t catch it, the “MY” in MY Single Band is the first initial of both of their last names. CLEVER.
Even though these two just happened to get lucky and meet while they were on vacation (without the help colored bands to identify themselves, they’re very concerned that the rest of the single population might “miss out on meeting their soul mate by not saying the first hi.” Keep reading »
I wake up at the butt crack of dawn, even on the weekends because I am some weird robot who has been programmed to rise when the sun does. I want to be able to turn my operating system off until at least 9 a.m. on a Sunday like most normal people do, I just can’t seem to find the switch. Just call me “Small Wonder.”
When I was single, this was a good thing, because I would hit the drug store, the grocery store and be the first customer at the nail salon when they opened. By the time it was late enough to start sending text messages, I was done with all my stuff. Now, when my boyfriend spends the night, I try to wait for him because he likes to cook breakfast for me. This would be just amazing if I didn’t wake up a full four hours before him. On the days that I can’t motivate to work out or run morning errands, I have a lot of time to do me. (As in,” I’m doin’ me.”)
“What have you been doing all this time?” my boyfriend asks, when he finally rolls out of bed at 11 a.m.
“Oh nothing much,” I reply.
That’s a total lie. I lived 12 days in those four hours. Here’s a typical snapshot of how I really spent my time while he was sleeping: Keep reading »
The other day, I made a list of every guy I’ve ever dated seriously, dated a couple times, dated until I got the “Oh no, there’s been an emergency and I must leave immediately!” phone call, or made out with and never actually dated at all.
To put it simply, the list was rather lengthy. Like, extremely lengthy. In doing this, I realized that every single one of these guys had some kind of dealbreaker. Obviously, because I’m still single. There was the guy who wanted to get married after the first date. There was the guy who gave me mono and literally ran away from me when I tried to talk to him about it, which was pretty rude considering I had mono and couldn’t really run after him. The list goes on. I could write about these dealbreakers forever, and I probably will because a lot of them are hilarious. But there’s a problem.
It occurred to me that while I’ve often been the one to do the breaking up/ignoring until they get the hint and go away, it hasn’t always been my call. Could it be that — gasp! — I’m not perfect either? As much crap as I give the guys I’ve dated, I’m just as guilty of being a weirdo as they are. What if, on some website in some alternate universe where guys write publicly about their feelings, one of the guys on my really long list wrote about the dealbreakers he discovered when it came to dating me? Here are some ideas for him, so he doesn’t have to work too hard to finish his blog post: Keep reading »
In my years of writing at The Frisky, I think I’ve mentioned (numerous times) that canned dating advice drives me crazy. Love and relationships are not a one-size-fits-all pair of shoes. All of our feet are different! Often our sex and relationship dilemmas are more existential in nature and can’t be solved with a simple how-to list. Every now and then, I get a letter from a Frisky reader (or a friend) asking for love advice. I admittedly don’t have all the answers, but I’ve found that I give the best advice when I share my own stories — as weird as they may be — and offer empathy. Inspired by Jack Handy’s Deep Thoughts, my new video series Date-Ade offers mini stream of consciousness meditations for stressed daters.
If you have a sex,dating or relationship dilemma that you’d like for me to try to illuminate (no promises), send me your questions at email@example.com.