My best friend is a woman. My best friend in college was a woman. In fact, a majority of my closest friends since college have been women. And this presents a problem in my dating life.
There isn’t one single reason why I have more female friends than male ones and if you looked at my weekly activities, it would seem strange that I don’t have more male friends. Every weekend I enjoy traditionally masculine, rip-my-chest-hair-out activities, like hockey and football. Yet it’s my female friends who I tend to call when I want to go out.
For starters, I do have a somewhat functional brain that is capable of functioning independently of my penis (albeit the little guy does occasionally develop a Napoleon complex). This has led to several of my close female friends starting out as love interests. Others I met while on my college’s ski team. Additionally, there is the fact that most of the closest male friends I had in college were the earliest to get married and have kids. Keep reading »
First dates inspire a low-level nausea and roiling dread for a variety of reasons. It could be horrible or it could be amazing. Meeting a stranger at a bar contains a world of untold possibility. Maybe they’ll be your soulmate, someone that makes your heartstrings zing and your loins quiver. Maybe they’ll be the worst person you’ve ever met in your life, and you’ll be better for knowing that someone out there that horrible exists, and just how to avoid them. Or, maybe it’ll be a perfectly average night, nothing to write home about, but just a two hour chunk of your life in which you sat across the table from a perfectly normal dude with a beard in a nice button-down, who you didn’t really have chemistry with. Whatever. You play the field for as long as you can until something that clicks comes along. Keep reading »
We’ve all been there. Someone you were hot and heavy with will suddenly disappear, as if wiped from this earth, only to reappear in the form of a typo-laden text message one night while you’re doing a face mask in your sweatpants. Like that mosquito that you try endlessly to kill before going to sleep, this text irks you. Maybe you were bummed about the way things ended, and you’re considering entertaining this missive. Maybe you hate this person forever, but didn’t mind having sex with them and could be persuaded to do it again. Communication these days is so very tricky, but never fear, I am here for you. In this day and age, it can be difficult to figure out what precisely constitutes a booty call, and how exactly you should respond to it. Whatever your situation may be, you’re facing the age old question — is it a booty call or nah? Here are some situations you might find yourself in, along my expert assessment so that you might tackle these situations head on. Keep reading »
Kim Kardashian: Hollywood is a game in which a normal human being dresses themselves in a variety of hilariously tarted up clothes, changes their hair a lot and pursues fame with the same relentless zeal of The Frisky staff at a J. Crew sample sale. If you’ve been living under a rock, the game is simple. You start as an E-list celebrity, and then work your way up to the top via pointless exercises meant to enhance your personal #brand. Within the world of Kim Kardashian’s Hollywood, there is a work/life balance, just like in real life. To achieve fame, you not only hustle for your career. Dating is a powerful way to level up, earn more money, get more fans and generally achieve in life. Keep reading »
As a child, I was sick with relative frequency. I remember returning to third grade after a month off with mono, several pounds lighter, and my skin pale from lack of exposure to sun. As I walked in, all Colin from The Secret Garden, the bitchiest girl in the class announced “You’re, like, always sick.”
It had occurred to me that I was sick more often than my peers. True, my mother had a fairly lenient stay-home-from-school policy, but by the time I was 10, I’d had mono, bronchitis, pneumonia, an ongoing bladder reflux issue and several sinus infections. My sisters are the same way. We’re evolutionarily weak. Whatever.
One might posit that having two orthopedic surgeries and a few viral and bacterial infections would foster some stoicism around unwellness. Well, one would be wrong. Practice, in my case, does not make perfect. When I’m ill, I’m a nightmare. Keep reading »
Like conducting a job search, online dating is an exercise in patience, compatibility, and, sometimes, rejection. It’s not romantic, but to a certain degree, the search for a suitable partner is not unlike the job hunt. You use the internet to varying degrees of success, clicking and writing emails and then clicking some more, and sometimes, if the cards are in your favor and the stars align, you end up meeting a stranger in a public setting and make awkward small talk while wearing shoes that pinch your toes and more makeup than you would for a Tuesday. When it’s over, you’re euphoric or despondent, alternating between mapping out a future for yourself or envisioning waiting for an email that never arrives. You follow up, you wait, things usually don’t pan out. When you do find success, you realize that it came the way most things in life happen — organically, through people you know. Matched with destiny, your future trips happily towards the light.
This is the best case scenario, a situation that everybody assures you will happen, regardless of how dire it all looks. Keep reading »