When I broke up with my ex about a month ago, I was determined to rebound as quickly as possible. No wallowing this time; it was over and I was moving on.
It was almost too convenient that I was presented with an immediate distraction. Jack was someone I’d known for years; we were never super close, but he’s part of a circle of friends I’ve known since high school. I’d lusted after him for years, too. About four years ago, I even asked my boyfriend at the time permission to make out with Jack, just to “get it out of my system.” My boyfriend said “no,” alas, and so the pining continued. The timing had just never been right.
Until now. Keep reading »
The first week after a breakup is always the most difficult. The rejection is fresh and the sting still burns, which makes it that much harder to remind yourself that the relationship is over, and that, despite how it feels at the time, things will get better. Those first few days are also crucial in determining how you’ll handle the rest of the breakup. The decision to end things takes only a moment, but coping with that loss can take days, months, or even years. And in my opinion, the tone of that “healing period” is set early on. Will you continue to communicate, cut each other off cold turkey, or decide to have casual sex until he realizes he wants you and only you? After my breakup with Andrew, I chose my path, and thankfully, it resulted in clarity.
When Andrew blindsided me with the truth bomb that he wasn’t ready for a girlfriend, I knew I’d be incapable of carrying on any kind of communication or relationship with him without developing muddled feelings. We both agreed it was best to sever ties. About a week later, I went out with friends for drinks, headed back home alone and found myself aching to text him. Keep reading »
I was sitting with a couple of smart women that I respect when the subject of dating came up, as it tends to do. “I read The Rules, and it changed my life,” one friend told me, in complete earnestness. “I swear by The Rules. They really work.”
I was taken aback, and for good reason. I’m a generation behind The Rules’ target demo. Twenty years ago, when this book was first published, I was in middle school, when “dating” meant writing about someone in your dream journal and holding hands. As my dating life developed, any mention of The Rules felt laughable, like an ancient relic from a never-seen “Sex And The City” episode, something the girls would discuss over cosmos at Buddakan.
“Aren’t they old-fashioned and sexist, and you know, stupid?” I asked. My other friend interjected. “Seriously, they’re great,” she said. “Trust me.” Keep reading »
It went as perfectly perfect as a breakup could go, I suppose.
Only a few days after my last Dater X post, when I told you all about my hopes of moving things forward with Andrew, he came over to my place to hang out and, without warning, dropped a bomb on me. As usual, we made small talk for a while, chatting about our weekend plans and jobs, and worked our way into my bedroom. Mid-makeout session, I reached down to unzip his jeans, when his hand grabbed mine and pushed it to the side— a suspicious move for not having seen each other in a week. He sat upright, looked me in the eye and said, “Before we do this, there are some things on my mind that I think we should talk about.”
In that moment, I was sure he was going to tell me he wanted us to be exclusive, and ask me if I felt the same way. Keep reading »
Dear Ernest Baker,
In your recent personal essay on Gawker titled “The Reality of Dating White Women When You Are Black,” you stated unequivocally that you are not a “sell out” because you are a Black man who chooses to seriously date only White women. As a 24-year-old Black woman with very similar life circumstances, I can assure you that after reading your piece — although you may not believe that you are a “sell-out” or that you are riddled by “self hate” —the man who wrote that piece is both. Keep reading »