I once had a first date where the guy told me, in this exact order, that he was “under federal investigation,” “writing a book for young people about how to live their lives,” and that he believed “women should be responsible for changing diapers.” I consider this the very, very worst first date I’ve had the misfortune to go on.
But really, that’s nothing compared to Efren Molina and Jillian Martone’s first date this past week. At the end of the evening, the couple returned to Molina’s Boca Raton house (yep, it happened in Florida!), and when he refused to say that he was her boyfriend, Martone punched him and threatened him with a knife. Molina was eventually able to fight her off and call the cops. The 35-year-old, with a previous record, was charged with aggravated assault, battery and burglary. She is currently in jail awaiting bail. Keep reading »
Two years ago, I was at my local coffee shop when I spotted a certain gentleman, and after a series of boring events he and I wound up having sex. It was mostly uneventful, except for the fact that during the proceedings, I sprained my neck. We’d had sex and gone to bed, and the next morning I woke up and couldn’t move it.
“Oh no!” I exclaimed, and my companion groaned wordlessly in response. I rotated the entirety of my torso so as to be able to face him.
“I think I sprained my neck,” I said.
“From the blowjobs?” he asked, but nodding yes was not an option. I briskly pitched my torso back and forth.
“Oh, crap!” he laughed. “Wow. That’s really funny.” Keep reading »
One month ago, I broke my ankle. It was a sort of freak accident – a simple fall on the stairs (being the klutz that I am, that part wasn’t unusual), but one that resulted in a fracture. I was at a bar, and after it happened, I went straight to my boyfriend’s place. He met my cab at the corner, and he’s barely left my side since then.
Navigating New York City on crutches is no easy feat, nor is going about the simplest everyday tasks with a broken bone and a painkiller-clouded brain. So, once I injured myself, my boyfriend started sleeping at my apartment every night. He helped me with meals, propped my foot up, and provided all-around company while I was incapacitated.
Now that the fracture is healing and I need less maintenance, we’re slowly getting back to our pre-anklegate routine: three to five sleepovers and a handful of shared dinners a week. And I’m sad about it. The kicker? He lives across the street from me. I could run to his place, give him a kiss and run back in the span of five minutes if I wanted to. It’s not that I’m dependent on him, or that I don’t like my roommates, but I’ve gotten used to Andy’s regular presence – kissing him goodbye when he leaves for work in the morning, hanging out and playing some pre-dinner Mario Kart with him at night; it just felt so natural and easy.
So, we should move in together, right? It’s not like it hasn’t crossed my mind. After nearly two-and-half years together, if friends aren’t pestering us about marriage, they’re asking us about living together. And they aren’t the only ones. He recently told me he wants to make the move when our leases are up—it’s the logical next step, he says. Keep reading »
Do you know how, on job applications, they always ask if you’ve ever been arrested? And then they invariably follow it up with, “If yes, please explain?”
Do you ever get the feeling that if you write “yes” on the first blank, there is absolutely nothing you can write on the second that will save your application from a permanent trip to the reject pile?
Well, there’s one relationship question that I believe operates under the same premise. That question is: “Have you ever cheated on someone?”
Sure, you can answer yes and try to explain. You can stutter and stall all you want. But, the moment your mouth starts to make that “y…” sound, your forehead will immediately be stamped with a giant, red “CHEATER” in indelible ink.
So, I’ll confess now. Yes, I’ve cheated on a girlfriend. Stamp away. But, I’m still going to give my grand explanation. Keep reading »
I like to consider myself a strong and independent woman. I live alone; I take care of myself and never waiver in my beliefs. I’ve managed to convince myself that I’m fearless; I look confrontation in the eye and am without regret in my behavior – even when it isn’t the most flattering or well thought-out way to handle certain situations. I am, admittedly, a hot head.
I do not allow others to define me, put me in a box labeled by how they see me and will scream at the top of my lungs before I’ll ever let someone try to silence me. I am all these things; I have been all these things, and years from now these expectations that I have for myself will still be true. I don’t give a fuck who might be angered or won’t agree along the way. In the words of the great sailor, Popeye, “I am what I am.”
However, there were a few years in there, the dark years, that I was not all these things. When it came to Christoffer, I was a shadow. Keep reading »
At 26 years old, I felt like a birth control virgin. How had I survived all those years without managing to know anything about the Pill? My reasons for going on Ortho Tri-Cyclen were simple: I was prepping for a move across the country to be with a guy named Isaac who I was in a long-distance relationship with. Isaac and I communicated every day. We talked on the phone, texted, emailed and GChatted every chance we got. We saw each other every three months, but this time, I was coming for good. We were going to live together for two weeks before I moved into my sublet apartment. We were falling in love.
I was ecstatic at the prospect of this seemingly superior form of birth control. Sex without condoms! It only cost $8 a month (which was about all my meager budget would allow)! From what I’d heard, it would make my skin super clear and get rid of the ungodly cramps that I’d been blessed with! I couldn’t wait. Keep reading »
I am a person who is very ambitious and aspirational in life. I’ve found that jealousy is the emotion I tend to listen to most, because it is filled with clues. When I feel envious of someone, I ask myself what is it that they have that I want, do I really want it, and what do I have to do to get it.
It’s become clear to me over the years that I feel pretty set career-wise. I have a lot of confidence in myself and that confidence gets reinforced. I genuinely believe that I can achieve most things I want if I truly set my mind to it. Not that I haven’t struggled before, but there have only been a few examples of ways in which I’ve disappointed myself. I feel only a little envious towards other people’s careers.
Instead, the place where I find myself feeling the most envy — and its attendant emotion, insecurity — is in relationships. I covet the relationships of absolute strangers. The perceived relationship, anyway. Keep reading »
I was kind of bowled over to hear that not just one but TWO of my close friends had planned first dates during Hurricane Sandy. WHAT? I say this as a person who HATES staying inside my apartment for too long, but seriously, I don’t care how amazing the guy was, I wouldn’t have stepped outside during the storm for any reason whatsoever. OK, maybe for a new bottle of wine at the liquor store across the street. Maybe.
First dates are anxiety-provoking enough without worrying about whether or not you’ll get struck dead by a wayward tree branch or drowned in a storm-surge flood. Forget about awkward conversation, life-threatening weather conditions really up the ante. I mean, what do you even plan to do during a Hurricane date-wise? Drink at your apartment? If you dare to venture out do you wear a wet suit? But then again, it could be incredibly romantic. Keep reading »
Last night, I did something I thought I’d never do again, especially not on a random Monday evening: I reactivated my online dating profile.
I looked at the description of myself I wrote the last time I was single. I looked at the photos that I had thought best represented myself. I checked my months-old messages. I read the new messages that came in as my account had been re-activiated again. And all the while I thought, Oh fuck, oh fuck, oh fuck, what are you doing?
This morning, I deactivated it again. You see, I think I had just wanted instant gratification. Keep reading »
I don’t usually care all that much who my friends date. As long as the person makes them happy enough, I recognize, that as adult in my 30s, it’s really not my business. Do what you want, yo! Relationships are weird and complicated and what works for someone may not work for me. Who am I to judge? I’m essentially laissez faire that way.
That being said, occasionally situations come up where a friend is dating someone who concerns me. When I say, concerns, I mean, I fear the relationship may damage/ruin/send my friend on a downward spiral. Not like oh, this person is unavailable and he/she will hurt you. More like, this person is a vampire who will destroy your life. Keep reading »