Here’s what’s easy:
Sitting in your apartment, doing things that you like to do, justifying this behavior by saying that because it is what you want to do, it is absolutely correct. Rejecting new experiences because they could fail, because you could embarrass yourself or fall on your face or loose a tooth or a shred of dignity. Staying in a rut because it’s comfortable, it feels right, and it’s easier than putting on that pair of pants or wearing those new shoes or doing anything other than the path you picked out for yourself as the only way for you.
Dating is not fun. It’s not easy. If someone came up to me and told me in earnest that scrolling thru the depths of OKCupid is a fulfilling and mentally engaging activity, I’d gather my things and back away slowly. It feels like work because it is work. Scrolling through matches taps into the muscle memory of the aimless looking for shoes on Zappos or searching your work email for that thing you got last week that you just can’t find. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Click? Scroll. Repeat ad nauseam until you find something that you think might work, with some jiggering, a little tailoring, a tiny nip and tuck. Add to your cart, finish your wine, close your laptop, go to sleep. Keep reading »
If you’ve been in a relationship with an expiration date—a romantic situation that can come up when two people decide to explore their connection in the face of something like an upcoming move—you’ve probably daydreamed about having just a little more time with your lover. But it can be surprisingly difficult to transition from just-till-you-go to long-term-possibility when those daydreams come true.
Five months ago, when my partner told me he would rather stay with me than take the distant job opportunity that had been looming over us from the start, I was so giddy that I didn’t consider how the basic nature of our relationship was going to change. And I certainly didn’t understand how tough that transition would be. When we had a deadline, the relationship only needed to be strong enough to last until then; when we were deciding whether or not we’d ditch the deadline and forge ahead into the future, we had to judge whether the relationship had the potential to become something worth uprooting his life plans for—and, though less obviously, mine too. Now we’ve turned what we thought was a fling into something with longer-term stability; these are the things we considered when we did: Keep reading »
There comes a time in every new thing when it feels necessary to define what’s going on between the two of you. You need to have “the talk.” Say things have been going well, feelings are mutual and developing rapidly. You know that you should talk about this, but the time never seems quite right! Maybe you don’t even have to talk about it, because clearly you two are on the same page. You are linked by pure love and mutual understanding and shimmering light between your heart chakras and one day, you’ll just wake up and know deep down this is your lobster. Who needs to talk when it all feels so right? Keep reading »
I was less than enthused about the last person I dated, but could not put my finger on why. He was nice, smart, attractive, and I had enough fun with him, but something wasn’t right. At first, I chalked my indifference up to a personal tendency towards being overly critical. I had shoved off the detritus of my last long-term relationship, and was feeling open to new things and experiences. Dating him felt like something I should be doing — or at least trying — so I did. My enthusiasm never peaked though. It merely flatlined at a “I guess this is good enough” level for six months. It was only after we broke up that I was able to identify what was really going on: I was in a panic relationship.
Keep reading »
Last week I sat in a Verizon store with 50 million other people on iPhone Launch Day. Unlike everyone else, I was not looking for a fabulous upgrade. I was waiting in line to do something I had committed to do — two weeks ago. It was time for a relationship reality check.
My husband had asked me to replace his decrepit, old phone because the account is in my name. I told him I would, but never got around to it. On iPhone Launch Day, in the middle of the afternoon, his phone literally broke in half. And, I confronted a simple truth: sometimes “I love you” isn’t enough. For healthy relationships, the magic words need to combine with practical action. Read more at Your Tango…
Some dating rules are worth following, and some are just common sense. But others are pure nonsense, and worth ditching. Which rules should you keep and which should you toss out the window? Read more at Your Tango…
There he is. Your eyes meet. The butterflies in your stomach are loud enough for the entire room to hear. Your palms moisten and your palpitating heart seems to want to beat out of your chest. You muster up the courage to walk to him, but someone has you beat.
Think quick. You make a detour to the bathroom, as to not draw too much attention to yourself. Who was that girl? It doesn’t matter anyway, right? The two of you only casually hookup.
Friends with benefits, hooking up, whatever you decide to call it — gets messy. Sure, you get the “buddy and the boo,” but tippy toeing around those invisible boundaries of “Am I wrong for feeling this way?” gets old. A casual relationship doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a clear division of what you’re willing to accept. Read more at College Candy…
Everything I’m about to write must be prefaced by one caveat: falling in love is out of your control. That includes when it will happen, where it will happen and who it will happen with. Although some relationship experts or self-help books would like you to believe otherwise, that’s the honest truth. You cannot control love. I’ll give you a few minutes — or a few decades– to let that sink in. When I was single that was the hardest part for me to accept. I’m a do-er. So not being able to do anything about this life event that felt very important made me feel utterly useless. Which in turn, made me feel depressed.
To put the whole “falling in love” thing in perspective, I think it only happens truly, madly, deeply once or twice in a lifetime if you’re lucky. Some people are of the belief that there is not a lid for every pot. I’m more of the belief that some of us choose to be alone. And there’s not a thing wrong with that either. So, what do you have control over in all of this? You. I’ll repeat it, there is nothing you can do to make love happen. But there are certain ways of being that are more conducive to falling in love, if that’s what you choose. Here are a few easier-said-than-done things you can do to prepare for the romance you hope to have someday: Keep reading »
This week on Date-Ade – a stream of consciousness advice series for stressed daters — Sophia wants to know how to handle a man who warns her not to fall in love with him.
If you have a sex, dating or relationship dilemma that you’d like for me to try to illuminate (no promises), send your questions to email@example.com.