Here is a example of something that happens to people in relationships: we strive for perfection at all costs. Things go well, things are proceeding according to the path you created in your head. Things feel perfect. Your relationship is a glorious jewel of correctness, shining in a world where nothing is right. There have been no arguments, you disagree on nothing and appear to have everything in common. The success of your relationship is a kick in the teeth to all your other problems, it’s the one thing that you can really and truly do right. It’s a contact high of the best kind and you never want it to go away. The problem with this feeling? The first crack in the veneer sends you into a roiling, spiraling panic. The truth: Perfection is impossible, it is unfeasible, and the struggle to achieve it will be the death of the relationship. Instead of striving for it, try infusing your relationship with some wabi-sabi. Keep reading »
Tag Archives: dating advice
It’s a universal truth that men get freaked the fuck out when a woman utters the phrase, “We need to talk.” (It freaks women out as well, but not to quite the same extent.) If you want to get a guy quivering in his boots, those four words will always do the trick. But WHY? From what men tell me, “we need to talk” signifies extreme relationship danger. To a guy, it’s the verbal equivalent of being hunted by a bear. It’s talk of marriage, babies, cheating or whatever thing you know he doesn’t want to talk about. It makes a guy feel trapped. Boxed in. In trouble. It sends him into an automatic anxiety spiral. I’ve personally retired the phrase at the behest of my boyfriend. “Don’t announce the major convo, just get into it,” he requested. Noted. Keep reading »
According to some new research, the unknown enemy of many a relationship is psoriasis (that skin disorder that Kim Kardashian has). Who knew? I mean, once a guy canceled a date by telling me he “was itching all over.” But I’m pretty sure that was just lie because he ghosted after that. And he definitely didn’t have psoriasis. Anyhow, the research found that a staggering 25 percent of all psoriasis sufferers claim they were dumped at some point because of their scabby, scaly skin. Of course, the dumpers could have been trying to sugar-coat things when they said: “It’s not you, it’s your psoriasis,” but it’s such an dick-ish things to say that it seems unlikely.
With all the perfectly good reasons to dump someone — they’re untrustworthy, they bore you to tears, they’re life dream is to become a nudist and live off the grid — psoriasis is not anywhere near acceptable. Emotional incompatibility. Fine. Different visions for the future. Sure. Psoriasis. You suck, psoriasis shamers. This gets me thinking, if so many people are getting canned over a totally treatable auto-immune disorder, others must be getting dumped for even stupider reasons. Below, I’ve started a running list of some reasons that are NOT valid for breaking up because I feel like we ought to have one. You’re gonna have to come up with something more substantial, people… Keep reading »
Matchmaker, Matchmaker, make me a match! But seriously…
The Frisky wants nothing more than to help the searching singles of the world find their soul mates and coupled folks navigate choppy relationship waters, so who better to team up with than Professional Matchmaker, Exclusive Matchmaking! Keep reading »
Say you’re in a new relationship, and things are going well. There are dinners, there is coffee in bed when you want it, there is sparkling conversation and wit and banter, there are all-consuming exchanges of emotion that leave you revitalized and ready to seize the rest of your lives together. You’ve reached a state of happiness that leaves other relationships in the dark. Finally! A thing that works for me, the way I want it, the way I need it. What have I done to deserve this giant treasure from the universe?
Then, the change comes, like it does in all new relationships. Sun-soaked afternoons in bed are slowly replaced by tense mornings in which every conversation is a power struggle. What was once light and sunshine and butterfly kisses is now a relationship fraught with calculated moves to gain the upper hand. What happened here? How did something that seemed so easy become so complicated? Keep reading »
Here’s what’s easy:
Sitting in your apartment, doing things that you like to do, justifying this behavior by saying that because it is what you want to do, it is absolutely correct. Rejecting new experiences because they could fail, because you could embarrass yourself or fall on your face or loose a tooth or a shred of dignity. Staying in a rut because it’s comfortable, it feels right, and it’s easier than putting on that pair of pants or wearing those new shoes or doing anything other than the path you picked out for yourself as the only way for you.
Dating is not fun. It’s not easy. If someone came up to me and told me in earnest that scrolling thru the depths of OKCupid is a fulfilling and mentally engaging activity, I’d gather my things and back away slowly. It feels like work because it is work. Scrolling through matches taps into the muscle memory of the aimless looking for shoes on Zappos or searching your work email for that thing you got last week that you just can’t find. Scroll, scroll, scroll. Click? Scroll. Repeat ad nauseam until you find something that you think might work, with some jiggering, a little tailoring, a tiny nip and tuck. Add to your cart, finish your wine, close your laptop, go to sleep. Keep reading »
If you’ve been in a relationship with an expiration date—a romantic situation that can come up when two people decide to explore their connection in the face of something like an upcoming move—you’ve probably daydreamed about having just a little more time with your lover. But it can be surprisingly difficult to transition from just-till-you-go to long-term-possibility when those daydreams come true.
Five months ago, when my partner told me he would rather stay with me than take the distant job opportunity that had been looming over us from the start, I was so giddy that I didn’t consider how the basic nature of our relationship was going to change. And I certainly didn’t understand how tough that transition would be. When we had a deadline, the relationship only needed to be strong enough to last until then; when we were deciding whether or not we’d ditch the deadline and forge ahead into the future, we had to judge whether the relationship had the potential to become something worth uprooting his life plans for—and, though less obviously, mine too. Now we’ve turned what we thought was a fling into something with longer-term stability; these are the things we considered when we did: Keep reading »
There comes a time in every new thing when it feels necessary to define what’s going on between the two of you. You need to have “the talk.” Say things have been going well, feelings are mutual and developing rapidly. You know that you should talk about this, but the time never seems quite right! Maybe you don’t even have to talk about it, because clearly you two are on the same page. You are linked by pure love and mutual understanding and shimmering light between your heart chakras and one day, you’ll just wake up and know deep down this is your lobster. Who needs to talk when it all feels so right? Keep reading »
I was less than enthused about the last person I dated, but could not put my finger on why. He was nice, smart, attractive, and I had enough fun with him, but something wasn’t right. At first, I chalked my indifference up to a personal tendency towards being overly critical. I had shoved off the detritus of my last long-term relationship, and was feeling open to new things and experiences. Dating him felt like something I should be doing — or at least trying — so I did. My enthusiasm never peaked though. It merely flatlined at a “I guess this is good enough” level for six months. It was only after we broke up that I was able to identify what was really going on: I was in a panic relationship.