Vagina Killer (vah-ji´nah kil′ər) noun: 1. The thing that an otherwise acceptable man can do or say on a date to ensure that he will never get into your pants. Ever.
Vagina killers will stop the mojo of any good date dead in its tracks. For example, say you’re on a date with a perfectly charming, perfectly smart, perfectly handsome, perfectly eligible man. Ah, you think. A normal man at last. A good conversation. A nice dinner. Things are going well! And then he drops the one bomb that will ensure your vagina is closed for business to him for all eternity. Like he tells you that all he needs in his life is his cat; in fact, they are best friends and they do everything together. For a non-allergic cat lover, that might be a vagina awakener, but for me, a very allergic, non-cat loving person: vagina DOA. I’m sorry, Guy — you were in the running before you KILLED MY VAGINA.The point being, vagina killers are very personal and specific, but we all have them. Remember, your goal is to keep that vagina alive so you can meet her in person! After the jump, some more deadly vagina killers to avoid at all costs. Please share yours in the comments.
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You meet online. You have the same favorite book and it’s not The Fountainhead. You exchange emails multiple times a day and bond over your mutual love of cats, Frasier, and pretending you like to spend Sunday in bed with the New York Times crossword puzzle. It’s meant to be! The first date is around the corner. You’re bringing your lucky socks to the laundromat when…oops, you screw it up. They cancel the first date and now you’re dead to them. You spend Saturday night with your cat and a Frasier marathon. You use your Sunday crossword puzzle to line the litter box and spend the morning in bed, hugging your body pillow. Where did you go wrong? You may have made one of the following pre-first-date faux pas… Keep reading »
“You’re really mean to yourself,” my friend said after I’d finished listing all the ways I’d messed up a date with a guy I really liked. What did I do that I found so unacceptable? Here’s the list:
1. I didn’t offer to pay. I always offer to pay, but then I feel resentful because I don’t really want to pay and I want the guy to decline my offer, so I was just trying to experiment with letting myself feel treated. But now he probably thinks I’m using him and just in it for a free meal!
2.I botched the kiss goodnight moment. He went in for the kiss and I kissed him on the cheek, then gushed about what a great time I had to overcompensate for the missed kiss, then jumped out of his car. Because I wanted to kiss him, but I also wanted to take it slow, but I was nervous, and could I have been more horribly awkward?!
3. I talked about an ex. Absolutely unforgivable!!! Why, why, why did I do this??? Keep reading »
His teeny little profile picture was cute. He was the right age range and city. But when I opened the online dating message from this random dude, this is what he said:
Isn’t feminism a little obsolete? Men and women are equal nowadays. In fact, the balance is tipped in your favor.
Of all the things for a man to comment upon in my profile, he chose to kinda-insulted me by calling my belief system “obsolete”? I rolled my eyes. I hit delete. Another one bites the dust.
I’d been “negged.” Keep reading »
Single this Valentine’s Day? Then perhaps you’ll be interested in this advice from an eHarmony senior director. Grant Langston tells Time the five most overused, meaningless phrases you should take off your online dating profile right now. Read more…
It’s often thought that Valentine’s Day is the worst holiday for single people. But not if you have a crappy boyfriend! Then Valentine’s Day can suck major balls. Like, take the time I was dating Jason*. We’d been together for several months, and prepared for our first V-Day together. I am not a particularly materialistic kind of lady and often paid the bill on our dates, but I like a little romance. Even though I am hyper feminist, I do feel like Valentine’s Day is the one time of year when you are supposed to shower a little extra love on your lady. Though Jason was typically rather analytical (bordering on anal) and tight-fisted, I figured the holiday would be my one night of being wined and dined. We went to a nice Greek restaurant, and he ordered the most expensive dish on the menu — a fish dish coming in at more than $20. I ordered a less expensive pasta dish. But when the bill came, my anal retentive boyfriend split the bill — down to the tax. I was majorly annoyed. He didn’t want to treat me, but he was willing to spend big bucks on himself, and that’s when I knew I’d never really be a priority with this dude.
So that’s my worst Valentine’s Day. Share yours in the comments!
*names have been changed to protect the utterly craptastic