After experiencing a secondhand anxiety attack for the grad student who had their laptop (and 5-year thesis) stolen yesterday, this story is giving me hope. A Reddit user’s bike was stolen, and then returned three nights later with an apologetic note attached, as well as a coupon for a free lava cake at Domino’s (score!). If you can’t read the messy writing, check out the full text of the note after the jump… Keep reading »
Houston teacher Esther Irene Stokes has been charged with molesting a first grade girl, but denies the charges claiming that she would never touch a black child.
“The victim said that she was in the classroom alone with the teacher and that the teacher touched her on the outside of her clothes, on what she called her ‘private part,’ her vaginal area,” reported police. Allegedly, the student asked Stokes to stop and the 61-year-old teacher banished the girl from her classroom, forcing her to stand outside in the hallway. According to reports, the girl was not allowed to eat lunch. The victim’s mother corroborated that her daughter didn’t eat lunch that day. Keep reading »
The boob tip of the day comes to us straight from a woman in San Francisco. When an argument over a parking spot in the Haight district escalated, the woman intentionally rammed her car into the man’s who would not let her have the parking spot. The woman, who was wearing a super, low-cut dress, drove away, leaving the man to deal with the accident. The victim remembered nothing. He didn’t know what kind of car she was driving, the license plate number or even what the woman looked like. He was, however, “able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage,” said the police. This is so good to know. When in doubt, use your boobs to detract from your bad behavior. I’m sure the victim will have plenty of fun picking boobs out of a police lineup. [Hypervocal] [Cleavage photo from Shutterstock]
I often find myself marveling at people’s innovative (and illegal) public masturbation sessions. Like the guy who emptied a vacuum cleaner in a neighbor’s home and then pleasured himself on the dirty floor or the woman who diddled herself on a Florida highway. I know both of these self-love sessions ended in arrest, and I don’t condone crimes where anyone feels violated, obviously, but I can’t help but be in awe of how much trouble they went through just to get off!
This week, William Blakely wins the creative/illegal masturbation award. The former Mount Carmel, Tennessee, Vice-Mayor is facing charges of indecent and reckless endangerment and criminal attempt to commit aggravated assault for jerking off out of the window of his car while he was driving 90 miles per hour. I mean, how do you even achieve that? Keep reading »
Dear Veniamin Balika,
Let me preface this love letter by saying that I understand that stealing is wrong and don’t condone it. But I can’t help but be impressed by a man who can pull off a cheese heist of unprecedented proportions. I find cheese thievery sexy for obvious reasons.
Veniamin — or should I call you Cheese King? — you have my respect for managing to make off with 42,000 pounds of Muenster cheese from a Wisconsin distribution plant. That’s enough cheese to fill an 18-wheel truck. That’s roughly $200,000 worth of cheese, which you planned to sell on the black market. I had no idea the black cheese market was so lucrative. I had no idea there was a black cheese market. I knew about the underground chicken wing market. But not cheese.This is all blowing my mind. So much fucking cheese! Enough cheese to fulfill all my dairy cravings for the rest of my life! Enough cheese to build a cheese house and live there together like two happy mice. I know, I’m getting ahead of myself. Keep reading »
Twenty-one-year old Eric Michael Miller of Bellingham, WA has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for burglarizing a home and shooting one of its habitant with a semen-filled squirt gun.
Natch, this sperm shooting was all for drug money. There are always drugs involved. According to court records, Miller and two unidentified men broke into the home looking for a man who owed him money, but found the man’s roommate instead, asleep on the couch. The unlucky bastard.
Miller and his sidekicks held the man at knifepoint, beat him with a real gun, at which point Miller whipped out his semen gun and squirted the man in the face, saying, “Now you’re like the rest of my bleep, covered in semen.”
Okay, I must stop writing now because I’m feeling sicksies. [GeekOSystem]