Tag Archives: crimes

Florida’s Feet Are Safe Once Again: Serial Foot Molester Has Been Apprehended

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Florida police have finally caught long-time serial foot molester Reginald Cruz. The 23-year-old confessed to approaching hundreds of “dark-skin females” ranging in age from 10 to 32 in their cars, at their homes, and while walking down the street and requesting to touch or massage their feet. Police say Cruz used various stories, such as saying that he was trying to earn a Boy Scout community service badge or that he was a college student conducting medical research. Once he convinced his victims that he legitimately needed to touch there feet, he would start with a foot massage to determine if they trusted him enough. Then he would begin his assault, kissing their feet or sucking their toes for sexual gratification.

He must have told one hell of a convincing tale because I can’t imagine EVER letting a stranger touch my feet. I hate them so much. It’s a struggle to get a pedicure. Anyhow, I’m glad the female feet of Florida are safe to wear sandals once again. Just in time for spring! [WFLA]

Bike Thief Returns Stolen Bike With Apology Note And Domino’s Coupon

After experiencing a secondhand anxiety attack for the grad student who had their laptop (and 5-year thesis) stolen yesterday, this story is giving me hope. A Reddit user’s bike was stolen, and then returned three nights later with an apologetic note attached, as well as a coupon for a free lava cake at Domino’s (score!). If you can’t read the messy writing, check out the full text of the note after the jump… Keep reading »

$1000 For Stolen Thesis
Grad student offers laptop thief $1000 to return thesis. Read More »
The Invisible Bike Helmet
Can you see it? Probably not. Read More »

Today In Terrible Teachers: Esther Irene Stokes Denies Molesting A Student On The Grounds That She’s Racist

Teacher Said "Vagina"
This high school science teacher is in trouble for saying the word "vagina." Read More »
Florida Teachers
What's up with all the teacher/ student affairs in Florida? Read More »
Disgraceful
"I don't like to even touch the black children..."

Houston teacher Esther Irene Stokes has been charged with molesting a first grade girl, but denies the charges claiming that she would never touch a black child.

“The victim said that she was in the classroom alone with the teacher and that the teacher touched her on the outside of her clothes, on what she called her ‘private part,’ her vaginal area,” reported police. Allegedly, the student asked Stokes to stop and the 61-year-old teacher banished the girl from her classroom, forcing her to stand outside in the hallway. According to reports, the girl was not allowed to eat lunch. The victim’s mother corroborated that her daughter didn’t eat lunch that day. Keep reading »

If You Commit A Crime, Distract The Victim With Your Boobs

Death By Breast
A woman killed her boyfriend with her boobs. Read More »

The boob tip of the day comes to us straight from a woman in San Francisco. When an argument over a parking spot in the Haight district escalated, the woman intentionally rammed her car into the man’s who would not let her have the parking spot. The woman, who was wearing a super, low-cut dress, drove away, leaving the man to deal with the accident. The victim remembered nothing. He didn’t know what kind of car she was driving, the license plate number or even what the woman looked like. He was, however, “able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage,” said the police. This is so good to know. When in doubt, use your boobs to detract from your bad behavior. I’m sure the victim will have plenty of fun picking boobs out of a police lineup. [Hypervocal[Cleavage photo from Shutterstock]

Former Tennessee Vice-Mayor Arrested For Drive-By Masturbation

Be My BF: Vacuum Wanker
He jumped on a roof, emptied a vacuum,masturbated and pooped in a stranger's house. Read More »
Weird Masturbation
The weirdest places one woman has masturbated. Read More »

I often find myself marveling at people’s innovative (and illegal) public masturbation sessions. Like the guy who emptied a vacuum cleaner in a neighbor’s home and then pleasured himself on the dirty floor or the woman who diddled herself on a Florida highway. I know both of these self-love sessions ended in arrest, and I don’t condone crimes where anyone feels violated, obviously, but I can’t help but be in awe of how much trouble they went through just to get off!

This week, William Blakely wins the creative/illegal masturbation award. The former Mount Carmel, Tennessee, Vice-Mayor is facing charges of indecent and reckless endangerment and criminal attempt to commit aggravated assault for jerking off out of the window of his car while he was driving 90 miles per hour. I mean, how do you even achieve that? Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Stole 42,000 Pounds Of Cheese

Be My BFs: Chicken
These guys stole $65K in chicken wings. Read More »
Be My BF: Toothpick Caper
He stole thousands of toothpicks! Read More »
Be My BF: Lobster Thief
He stole lobsters to buy drugs. Read More »
Be My BF!
He stole $200,000 worth of cheese

Dear Veniamin Balika,

Let me preface this love letter by saying that I understand that stealing is wrong and don’t condone it. But I can’t help but be impressed by a man who can pull off a cheese heist of unprecedented proportions. I find cheese thievery sexy for obvious reasons.

Veniamin — or should I call you Cheese King? — you have my respect for managing to make off with 42,000 pounds of Muenster cheese from a Wisconsin distribution plant. That’s enough cheese to fill an 18-wheel truck. That’s roughly $200,000 worth of cheese, which you planned to sell on the black market. I had no idea the black cheese market was so lucrative. I had no idea there was a black cheese market. I knew about the underground chicken wing market. But not cheese.This is all blowing my mind. So much fucking cheese! Enough cheese to fulfill all my dairy cravings for the rest of my life! Enough cheese to build a cheese house and live there together like two happy mice. I know, I’m getting ahead of myself. Keep reading »

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