Dear Steak Thief,
I don’t condone stealing, really I don’t. But the fact that you dressed up in a cow-printed onesie while stealing porterhouse from the meat aisle demands my admiration. The police seemed to have overlooked your intentional irony. A spokeswoman for the police department released a statement saying that because onesies are a common clothing item, you were “probably not intending to look like the beef [you] were stealing”. Wait, what? It’s common for men to wear onesies in New Zealand? Maybe I should move there. Keep reading »
I know it’s been a hard year for you, since you came in second in last season on “MasterChef.” Look, the truth was, no matter how perfect your dark chocolate soufflé was (and it was pretty damn perfect … Graham Elliot looked like he was mouth-fucking it), you never stood a chance of beating Christine Ha. A blind chef who cooks like an angel? Come on. Book deal gold. And you, just a 7′ 2″ college basketball player with a passion for food. It’s a good story, but not good enough, even though your final meal was better than Christine’s.
Josh, I know it’s been hard for you to accept your loss. I thought you were going through a hard time. I’ve noticed that you’ve been sullen and withdrawn, more erratic than ever. But clearly, I didn’t realize how bad things were. It was wrong of me not to force you to get help before it was too late. Keep reading »
I’ve been working at The Frisky for quite a while now and I have heard my share of cray stories. From a man who died from having sex with a hornets nest to a couple of Finnish journalists who pooped their pants on a bus just to find out what would happen if they did, I’m hard pressed to find a story that shocks me. And yet, Kristina Michelle Brown of Oklahoma City, has managed to arouse my bafflement. The 23-year-old was charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon on Monday after a bizarre kerfuffle with her 72-year-old neighbor.
According to police reports, Brown stood outside her neighbor’s house with a knife screaming, “Come outside. I know you are in there. Do you wanna die?”
Obviously, her elderly neighbor wasn’t in the mood to die, so he called the cops instead. When police asked Brown what the neighbor did to her, she replied,“I had sex with my cat and everyone knows.” Keep reading »
Thank you to Tiana Nicole Calandro of Delray Beach, Florida (yay!), for the arrest excuse of the day. When she was pulled over for speeding, police saw something protruding from her T-shirt pocket and asked what it was. “It’s my nipple,” Calandro responded.
“I advised her I knew what a nipple looked like and that wasn’t a nipple,” the officer wrote in his report. You’d think that would have made her fess up, but no. Calandro swallowed the pill, which turned out to be Dilaudid. The officer tried to get her to spit it out, but that didn’t work either. And that’s how one’s “nipple” can land them in jail with possession charges. [NJ]
It’s happened to all of us at one point or another. You’re sitting on the couch cozying up for a “Real Housewives” marathon and your boyfriend farts in your face. When this happened to you, you probably laughed it off or pretended to be grossed out (unless it really stank, in which case you were genuinely grossed out) and said something like, “Baby, thank you for showing me how much you care.”
That’s not how Florida woman — of course! — Deborah Ann Burns reacted when her boyfriend let one rip in her face. Instead, she threw an eight-inch knife at her boyfriend’s stomach and then proceeded to beat him with a stick. (I’m very curious about what show she was watching because I know I get upset when I get interrupted during “The Voice.”)
Burns’ boyfriend is in stable condition, but forever traumatized by his own flatulence, and she is facing charges for trying to cut someone who cut the cheese, aka aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Florida does it again. [Huffington Post; NBC Miami]
I don’t know if this falls under the umbrella of “catfishing” or just plain old bat shit cray revenge, but a Michigan woman is facing felony charges for creating a fake Facebook profile using her ex-boyfriend’s info and using it to make it appear that he and his new girlfriend were harassing her.
Over the course of a year, 52-year-old Cheryl Nelson made eight complaints to police that her ex-boyfriend, Kevin Haarsma, and his new girlfriend stalked, harassed, assaulted and even broke into her home. According to the detective’s report, Nelson finally fessed up to her ruse: Keep reading »