crimes - Page 2

We’re Breaking Up: Josh Marks, “MasterChef” Contestant Who Claimed His Soul Was Possessed By Gordon Ramsay

Dear Josh,

I know it’s been a hard year for you, since you came in second in last season on “MasterChef.”  Look, the truth was, no matter how perfect your dark chocolate soufflé was (and it was pretty damn perfect … Graham Elliot looked like he was mouth-fucking it), you never stood a… More »


Weirdest, Worst Attempted Assault Excuse Ever: “I Had Sex With My Cat And Everyone Knows”

I’ve been working at The Frisky for quite a while now and I have heard my share of cray stories. From a man who died from having sex with a hornets nest to a couple of Finnish journalists who pooped their pants on a bus just to find out what would happen if they did,… More »


“That’s Not Drugs, That’s My Nipple,” Says Florida Woman

Thank you to Tiana Nicole Calandro of Delray Beach, Florida (yay!), for the arrest excuse of the day. When she was pulled over for speeding, police saw something protruding from her T-shirt pocket and asked what it was. “It’s my nipple,” Calandro responded.

“I advised her I knew what a nipple looked like… More »


Today In Florida: Woman Cuts Her Boyfriend For Cutting The Cheese

It’s happened to all of us at one point or another. You’re sitting on the couch cozying up for a “Real Housewives” marathon and your boyfriend farts in your face. When this happened to you, you probably laughed it off or pretended to be grossed out (unless it really stank, in which case you were… More »


Today In Facebook Crimes: Woman Harasses Herself, Blames Her Ex And His New Girlfriend

I don’t know if this falls under the umbrella of “catfishing” or just plain old bat shit cray revenge, but a Michigan woman is facing felony charges for creating a fake Facebook profile using her ex-boyfriend’s info and using it to make it appear that he and his new girlfriend were harassing her.

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Florida’s Feet Are Safe Once Again: Serial Foot Molester Has Been Apprehended

Florida police have finally caught long-time serial foot molester Reginald Cruz. The 23-year-old confessed to approaching hundreds of “dark-skin females” ranging in age from 10 to 32 in their cars, at their homes, and while walking down the street and requesting to touch or massage their feet. Police say Cruz used various stories, such as saying… More »


Bike Thief Returns Stolen Bike With Apology Note And Domino’s Coupon

After experiencing a secondhand anxiety attack for the grad student who had their laptop (and 5-year thesis) stolen yesterday, this story is giving me hope. A Reddit user’s bike was stolen, and then returned three nights later with an apologetic note attached, as well as a coupon for a free lava cake at Domino’s (score!). More »


Today In Terrible Teachers: Esther Irene Stokes Denies Molesting A Student On The Grounds That She’s Racist

Houston teacher Esther Irene Stokes has been charged with molesting a first grade girl, but denies the charges claiming that she would never touch a black child.

“The victim said that she was in the classroom alone with the teacher and that the teacher touched her on the outside of her clothes, on… More »


If You Commit A Crime, Distract The Victim With Your Boobs

The boob tip of the day comes to us straight from a woman in San Francisco. When an argument over a parking spot in the Haight district escalated, the woman intentionally rammed her car into the man’s who would not let her have the parking spot. The woman, who was wearing a super, low-cut dress,… More »


Former Tennessee Vice-Mayor Arrested For Drive-By Masturbation

I often find myself marveling at people’s innovative (and illegal) public masturbation sessions. Like the guy who emptied a vacuum cleaner in a neighbor’s home and then pleasured himself on the dirty floor or the woman who diddled herself on a Florida highway. I know both of these self-love sessions ended in arrest, and I… More »


Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Stole 42,000 Pounds Of Cheese

Dear Veniamin Balika,

Let me preface this love letter by saying that I understand that stealing is wrong and don’t condone it. But I can’t help but be impressed by a man who can pull off a cheese heist of unprecedented proportions. I find cheese thievery sexy for obvious reasons.

Veniamin… More »


You’ve Hit Rock Bottom When A Semen-Filled Squirt Gun Is Your Weapon Of Choice

Twenty-one-year old Eric Michael Miller of Bellingham, WA has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for burglarizing a home and shooting one of its habitant with a semen-filled squirt gun.

Natch, this sperm shooting was all for drug money. There are always drugs involved. According to court records, Miller and two unidentified… More »


We’re Breaking Up: Man Banned From All Libraries On The Face Of The Earth

Dear Tyree Carter,

You’ve really done it this time. When you started spending a lot of time at the library, I was excited. I thought you were showing me you cared by putting in effort to job hunt and become more literate. I thought that all of our discussions about how I would… More »


Judge Enters Not Guilty Plea For James Holmes

After James Holmes’ attorneys said he was not ready to enter a plea this morning, the judge did it for him—not guilty on 166 counts, including the murder of 12 people in an Aurora movie theater last July and attempting to kill 70 others, reports the Denver Post. The move lets Holmes keep the option… More »


Do Not Hire This Clothes-Stealing Realtor

Peeps be so weird. World’s creepiest Realtor, Stephen Brumme, was caught on video rummaging through his clients’ drawers and stealing their clothes. The Arlington couple who own the home installed a camera after another bizarro real estate agent dropped a razor blade in their garbage disposal. (WHUT? These poor people have awful Realtor luck.)
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14 Bad Teachers Who Make Carly McKinney Look Like A Saint

Last week, I called Carly McKinney, the Colorado high school teacher who was fired for tweeting pot smoking endorsements and half-naked pictures of herself, “the world’s most idiotic teacher.” I stand by this proclamation. What she did was straight up shitbrained. But to be fair, there are soooo many other teachers out there — too many… More »


Online Dater Sues Match.com Because Her Date Tried To Kill Her

I think Mary Kay Beckman wins the award for the worst online date of all time. We complain about our online dates with weirdos and shitbirds (there have been a lot), but we’ve got nothing on her awful date. The 50-year-old real estate agent is suing Match.com for $10 million because her date tried toMore »


Man Tattoos An Underage Girl’s Vagina, Faces Rape Charges

Topping the list of things that are wildly inappropriate for a grown man to give a girl for her 15th birthday: a tattoo of his name on her vagina. Thirty-year-old Matthew Abram Rader of Oregon is facing charges of 3rd degree rape, sodomy and second degree online corruption of a minor. In Oregon, sex with… More »


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