I often find myself marveling at people’s innovative (and illegal) public masturbation sessions. Like the guy who emptied a vacuum cleaner in a neighbor’s home and then pleasured himself on the dirty floor or the woman who diddled herself on a Florida highway. I know both of these self-love sessions ended in arrest, and I don’t condone crimes where anyone feels violated, obviously, but I can’t help but be in awe of how much trouble they went through just to get off!
This week, William Blakely wins the creative/illegal masturbation award. The former Mount Carmel, Tennessee, Vice-Mayor is facing charges of indecent and reckless endangerment and criminal attempt to commit aggravated assault for jerking off out of the window of his car while he was driving 90 miles per hour. I mean, how do you even achieve that? Keep reading »
Dear Veniamin Balika,
Let me preface this love letter by saying that I understand that stealing is wrong and don’t condone it. But I can’t help but be impressed by a man who can pull off a cheese heist of unprecedented proportions. I find cheese thievery sexy for obvious reasons.
Veniamin — or should I call you Cheese King? — you have my respect for managing to make off with 42,000 pounds of Muenster cheese from a Wisconsin distribution plant. That’s enough cheese to fill an 18-wheel truck. That’s roughly $200,000 worth of cheese, which you planned to sell on the black market. I had no idea the black cheese market was so lucrative. I had no idea there was a black cheese market. I knew about the underground chicken wing market. But not cheese.This is all blowing my mind. So much fucking cheese! Enough cheese to fulfill all my dairy cravings for the rest of my life! Enough cheese to build a cheese house and live there together like two happy mice. I know, I’m getting ahead of myself. Keep reading »
Twenty-one-year old Eric Michael Miller of Bellingham, WA has been sentenced to 18 months in prison for burglarizing a home and shooting one of its habitant with a semen-filled squirt gun.
Natch, this sperm shooting was all for drug money. There are always drugs involved. According to court records, Miller and two unidentified men broke into the home looking for a man who owed him money, but found the man’s roommate instead, asleep on the couch. The unlucky bastard.
Miller and his sidekicks held the man at knifepoint, beat him with a real gun, at which point Miller whipped out his semen gun and squirted the man in the face, saying, “Now you’re like the rest of my bleep, covered in semen.”
Okay, I must stop writing now because I’m feeling sicksies. [GeekOSystem]
Dear Tyree Carter,
You’ve really done it this time. When you started spending a lot of time at the library, I was excited. I thought you were showing me you cared by putting in effort to job hunt and become more literate. I thought that all of our discussions about how I would be more sexually attracted to you if you “read a book once in a while and brought home a paycheck” had not fallen on deaf ears.
Tyree, I was wrong. You played me for a fool. Keep reading »
After James Holmes’ attorneys said he was not ready to enter a plea this morning, the judge did it for him—not guilty on 166 counts, including the murder of 12 people in an Aurora movie theater last July and attempting to kill 70 others, reports the Denver Post. The move lets Holmes keep the option of changing the plea to not guilty by reason of insanity. Read more…
Peeps be so weird. World’s creepiest Realtor, Stephen Brumme, was caught on video rummaging through his clients’ drawers and stealing their clothes. The Arlington couple who own the home installed a camera after another bizarro real estate agent dropped a razor blade in their garbage disposal. (WHUT? These poor people have awful Realtor luck.)
They hoped that the camera would protect them from further real estate weirdness and allow them to be able to see the reactions of potential buyers during open houses. When the couple got home and found some of the woman’s clothes missing, they checked the footage and discovered Brumme was the clothing thief. Who knows what kind of wild things he was planning to do with those white t-shirts!
The 60-year-old was arrested on burglary charges. And yes, his real estate license was revoked. If we’ve learned anything from this couple plagued by psycho realtors, it’s that if you’re trying to sell your home, you might want to consider installing a camera. [Hypervocal]
Last week, I called Carly McKinney, the Colorado high school teacher who was fired for tweeting pot smoking endorsements and half-naked pictures of herself, “the world’s most idiotic teacher.” I stand by this proclamation. What she did was straight up shitbrained. But to be fair, there are soooo many other teachers out there — too many for me to write about– who make Carly McKinney look like a damn saint. Click through for a small smattering of female teachers whose actions were far more despicable than Carly’s. Prepare to be appalled.
I think Mary Kay Beckman wins the award for the worst online date of all time. We complain about our online dates with weirdos and shitbirds (there have been a lot), but we’ve got nothing on her awful date. The 50-year-old real estate agent is suing Match.com for $10 million because her date tried to kill her. After a week of dating, Wade Ridley tried to stab her to death. “He broke into my garage … When the police arrested him, he said he wasn’t there to hurt me. He was there to kill me. His intent was to kill me that night.” Ridley stabbed Beckman 10 times with a butcher knife, and when the knife broke, he stomped on her head. Keep reading »
Topping the list of things that are wildly inappropriate for a grown man to give a girl for her 15th birthday: a tattoo of his name on her vagina. Thirty-year-old Matthew Abram Rader of Oregon is facing charges of 3rd degree rape, sodomy and second degree online corruption of a minor. In Oregon, sex with a minor under the age of 16 is considered 3rd degree rape. I’m not sure what charge the vagina tattoo constitutes.
The victim, whose identity is being withheld, informed police that Rader had given her three tattoos: a butterfly with a skull on her neck, a clover, and his name “near her vagina” as a birthday gift. Authorities believe that two had a sexual relationship, beginning when the girl was 14, based on explicit messages and requests for nude photos, which were uncovered during an ongoing Facebook investigation. Keep reading »
Liliana Coello, from Queens, NY, is another fake doctor accused of administering hazardous butt injections. Coello, 39, allegedly charged her victim a discounted rate for a series of procedures that resulted in an infection that will “pose a life-long issue.”
Prosecutors report that Coello injected a victim’s butt with a clear, gel-like substance, found to be consistent with silicone and/or paraffin. The victim complained of redness, pain, swelling and “leakage.” When she returned to Coello to help fix the problem, her solution was to apply Krazy glue to the leaky spots. (WHAT!?) Obviously, this didn’t work and the victim had to go to the hospital. Keep reading »