Dear Steak Thief,
I don’t condone stealing, really I don’t. But the fact that you dressed up in a cow-printed onesie while stealing porterhouse from the meat aisle demands my admiration. The police seemed to have overlooked your intentional irony. A spokeswoman for the police department released a statement saying that because onesies are a common clothing item, you were “probably not intending to look like the beef [you] were stealing”. Wait, what? It’s common for men to wear onesies in New Zealand? Maybe I should move there. Keep reading »
I know it’s been a hard year for you, since you came in second in last season on “MasterChef.” Look, the truth was, no matter how perfect your dark chocolate soufflé was (and it was pretty damn perfect … Graham Elliot looked like he was mouth-fucking it), you never stood a chance of beating Christine Ha. A blind chef who cooks like an angel? Come on. Book deal gold. And you, just a 7′ 2″ college basketball player with a passion for food. It’s a good story, but not good enough, even though your final meal was better than Christine’s.
Josh, I know it’s been hard for you to accept your loss. I thought you were going through a hard time. I’ve noticed that you’ve been sullen and withdrawn, more erratic than ever. But clearly, I didn’t realize how bad things were. It was wrong of me not to force you to get help before it was too late. Keep reading »
I’ve been working at The Frisky for quite a while now and I have heard my share of cray stories. From a man who died from having sex with a hornets nest to a couple of Finnish journalists who pooped their pants on a bus just to find out what would happen if they did, I’m hard pressed to find a story that shocks me. And yet, Kristina Michelle Brown of Oklahoma City, has managed to arouse my bafflement. The 23-year-old was charged with assault and battery with a deadly weapon on Monday after a bizarre kerfuffle with her 72-year-old neighbor.
According to police reports, Brown stood outside her neighbor’s house with a knife screaming, “Come outside. I know you are in there. Do you wanna die?”
Obviously, her elderly neighbor wasn’t in the mood to die, so he called the cops instead. When police asked Brown what the neighbor did to her, she replied,“I had sex with my cat and everyone knows.” Keep reading »
Thank you to Tiana Nicole Calandro of Delray Beach, Florida (yay!), for the arrest excuse of the day. When she was pulled over for speeding, police saw something protruding from her T-shirt pocket and asked what it was. “It’s my nipple,” Calandro responded.
“I advised her I knew what a nipple looked like and that wasn’t a nipple,” the officer wrote in his report. You’d think that would have made her fess up, but no. Calandro swallowed the pill, which turned out to be Dilaudid. The officer tried to get her to spit it out, but that didn’t work either. And that’s how one’s “nipple” can land them in jail with possession charges. [NJ]
It’s happened to all of us at one point or another. You’re sitting on the couch cozying up for a “Real Housewives” marathon and your boyfriend farts in your face. When this happened to you, you probably laughed it off or pretended to be grossed out (unless it really stank, in which case you were genuinely grossed out) and said something like, “Baby, thank you for showing me how much you care.”
That’s not how Florida woman — of course! — Deborah Ann Burns reacted when her boyfriend let one rip in her face. Instead, she threw an eight-inch knife at her boyfriend’s stomach and then proceeded to beat him with a stick. (I’m very curious about what show she was watching because I know I get upset when I get interrupted during “The Voice.”)
Burns’ boyfriend is in stable condition, but forever traumatized by his own flatulence, and she is facing charges for trying to cut someone who cut the cheese, aka aggravated battery with a deadly weapon. Florida does it again. [Huffington Post; NBC Miami]
I don’t know if this falls under the umbrella of “catfishing” or just plain old bat shit cray revenge, but a Michigan woman is facing felony charges for creating a fake Facebook profile using her ex-boyfriend’s info and using it to make it appear that he and his new girlfriend were harassing her.
Over the course of a year, 52-year-old Cheryl Nelson made eight complaints to police that her ex-boyfriend, Kevin Haarsma, and his new girlfriend stalked, harassed, assaulted and even broke into her home. According to the detective’s report, Nelson finally fessed up to her ruse: Keep reading »
Florida police have finally caught long-time serial foot molester Reginald Cruz. The 23-year-old confessed to approaching hundreds of “dark-skin females” ranging in age from 10 to 32 in their cars, at their homes, and while walking down the street and requesting to touch or massage their feet. Police say Cruz used various stories, such as saying that he was trying to earn a Boy Scout community service badge or that he was a college student conducting medical research. Once he convinced his victims that he legitimately needed to touch there feet, he would start with a foot massage to determine if they trusted him enough. Then he would begin his assault, kissing their feet or sucking their toes for sexual gratification.
He must have told one hell of a convincing tale because I can’t imagine EVER letting a stranger touch my feet. I hate them so much. It’s a struggle to get a pedicure. Anyhow, I’m glad the female feet of Florida are safe to wear sandals once again. Just in time for spring! [WFLA]
After experiencing a secondhand anxiety attack for the grad student who had their laptop (and 5-year thesis) stolen yesterday, this story is giving me hope. A Reddit user’s bike was stolen, and then returned three nights later with an apologetic note attached, as well as a coupon for a free lava cake at Domino’s (score!). If you can’t read the messy writing, check out the full text of the note after the jump… Keep reading »
Houston teacher Esther Irene Stokes has been charged with molesting a first grade girl, but denies the charges claiming that she would never touch a black child.
“The victim said that she was in the classroom alone with the teacher and that the teacher touched her on the outside of her clothes, on what she called her ‘private part,’ her vaginal area,” reported police. Allegedly, the student asked Stokes to stop and the 61-year-old teacher banished the girl from her classroom, forcing her to stand outside in the hallway. According to reports, the girl was not allowed to eat lunch. The victim’s mother corroborated that her daughter didn’t eat lunch that day. Keep reading »
The boob tip of the day comes to us straight from a woman in San Francisco. When an argument over a parking spot in the Haight district escalated, the woman intentionally rammed her car into the man’s who would not let her have the parking spot. The woman, who was wearing a super, low-cut dress, drove away, leaving the man to deal with the accident. The victim remembered nothing. He didn’t know what kind of car she was driving, the license plate number or even what the woman looked like. He was, however, “able to give a detailed description of the suspect’s cleavage,” said the police. This is so good to know. When in doubt, use your boobs to detract from your bad behavior. I’m sure the victim will have plenty of fun picking boobs out of a police lineup. [Hypervocal] [Cleavage photo from Shutterstock]