Even in the throes of her video-making, bong-throwing, wig-wearing, Twitter insulting breakdown, somebody still wants to marry Amanda Bynes. Melissa the Great (aka The Love Vault) of Tilicum, Washington, posted an impassioned Craigslist ad proposing her hand in “gay marriage” to Amanda:
“I have seen you since I was a young folk in high school 9th Grade, 10th Grade, you took me away with your show. You are so deep and you allowed me to feel things about myself, like how I can talk to myself and answer myself. Its a road less traveled dear Amanda but you pulled it off and allowed me to relax to be who I was — a costume loving, creative goofball with a camera just like you!!
Amanda I would take your hand in gay marriage, but lets not be so fast with our approach. Nothing breaks my heart worse than the shattering glass of the bong from way up high… and you, to me, are way up high! Pieces of the bong scattered like pieces of my heart, And I want you to help me pick them up!! … I want to move you here to my house Amanda Bynes. I got half an acre we can buy dogs, horses, whatever. I want to take you every where like a young girl takes a raggedy ann…You can fly over, I got a dad, a good dad and we can share him if you do not have a father figure.”
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A woman is selling genuinely positive pregnancy tests via Craiglist, I guess because she’s pregnant and doesn’t mind peeing on lots of sticks. In the Craiglist post she writes:
Yes, you saw that right! I am selling positive pregnancy tests! Ever since I became pregnant, I have been asked numerous times for a positive test, so I decided to start charging for it! I will take the test the same day you want to pick it up! I dont care what you use it for, not my business! ;)
I am always near my phone, so just send an e-mail!
All that for just $25! Now, let’s just think about why you might want someone else’s used preggo stick. (All of the reasons are vaguely related to “The Maury Povitch Show,” for sure)
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Looking for a new apartment can be difficult anywhere, but in NYC it’s a bloodsport, and tales of shitty apartments are legendary.
Enter “The Worst Room,” a Tumblr chronicling, all-too-accurately, the shitty state of New York City apartment shopping. Tumblr creator Ryan says he made the site to “share the Craigslist postings I sift through on a daily basis trying to find decent, affordable housing in New York City.” And boy, are these crappy and overpriced — these apartments all-too-closely resemble crime scenes. And yes, I can say with experience, these are completely accurate depictions of how shitty and expensive city living can be. (There are also pleasant and affordable pads, too.)
So let’s take a gander at a few more terrible rooms Ryan’s found, shall we?
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Who has the time or the inclination to online date? Why bother with it, when you can just outsource it to an online dating surrogate, someone who will do all the “connecting with another living human being” junk for you. Some real peach of a guy created this Craigslist ad, in search of a woman to do all the dating heavy lifting. What’s he looking for? Funny you ask! “Ideal candidate for this job is similar to dating candidates sought: Pretty, thin, educated female in her 20s or 30s (with great taste and strong writing ability.)”
Sounds totally reasonable — as the plot of a shitty Justin Long movie.
The full ad is after the jump. [Betabeat]
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I am in the midst of an apartment search right now. It is annoying, frustrating, and anxiety-producing, but it is just Something That Must Happen. Somewhat more exasperating than just looking for an apartment is the fact that I am also seeking a roommate situation, which has led me to where else but that great cesspool of all things terrible and soul-crushing, Craigslist. Just how soul-crushing could it possibly be?, you inquire, doubting my integrity and ability to separate Truly Bad Things from Simply Irritating Ones because I am a young and very sensitive woman inclined to hyperbole and melodrama. Here, I present to you an actual post I was led to by my innocent hunt for a suitable (female) housemate. I would now like to wash my hands, and then maybe sew up my vagina. Inquire within! [Craigslist]