Even in the throes of her video-making, bong-throwing, wig-wearing, Twitter insulting breakdown, somebody still wants to marry Amanda Bynes. Melissa the Great (aka The Love Vault) of Tilicum, Washington, posted an impassioned Craigslist ad proposing her hand in “gay marriage” to Amanda:
“I have seen you since I was a young folk in high school 9th Grade, 10th Grade, you took me away with your show. You are so deep and you allowed me to feel things about myself, like how I can talk to myself and answer myself. Its a road less traveled dear Amanda but you pulled it off and allowed me to relax to be who I was — a costume loving, creative goofball with a camera just like you!!
Amanda I would take your hand in gay marriage, but lets not be so fast with our approach. Nothing breaks my heart worse than the shattering glass of the bong from way up high… and you, to me, are way up high! Pieces of the bong scattered like pieces of my heart, And I want you to help me pick them up!! … I want to move you here to my house Amanda Bynes. I got half an acre we can buy dogs, horses, whatever. I want to take you every where like a young girl takes a raggedy ann…You can fly over, I got a dad, a good dad and we can share him if you do not have a father figure.”
Keep reading »
A woman is selling genuinely positive pregnancy tests via Craiglist, I guess because she’s pregnant and doesn’t mind peeing on lots of sticks. In the Craiglist post she writes:
Yes, you saw that right! I am selling positive pregnancy tests! Ever since I became pregnant, I have been asked numerous times for a positive test, so I decided to start charging for it! I will take the test the same day you want to pick it up! I dont care what you use it for, not my business! ;)
I am always near my phone, so just send an e-mail!
All that for just $25! Now, let’s just think about why you might want someone else’s used preggo stick. (All of the reasons are vaguely related to “The Maury Povitch Show,” for sure)
Keep reading »
Looking for a new apartment can be difficult anywhere, but in NYC it’s a bloodsport, and tales of shitty apartments are legendary.
Enter “The Worst Room,” a Tumblr chronicling, all-too-accurately, the shitty state of New York City apartment shopping. Tumblr creator Ryan says he made the site to “share the Craigslist postings I sift through on a daily basis trying to find decent, affordable housing in New York City.” And boy, are these crappy and overpriced — these apartments all-too-closely resemble crime scenes. And yes, I can say with experience, these are completely accurate depictions of how shitty and expensive city living can be. (There are also pleasant and affordable pads, too.)
So let’s take a gander at a few more terrible rooms Ryan’s found, shall we?
Keep reading »
Who has the time or the inclination to online date? Why bother with it, when you can just outsource it to an online dating surrogate, someone who will do all the “connecting with another living human being” junk for you. Some real peach of a guy created this Craigslist ad, in search of a woman to do all the dating heavy lifting. What’s he looking for? Funny you ask! “Ideal candidate for this job is similar to dating candidates sought: Pretty, thin, educated female in her 20s or 30s (with great taste and strong writing ability.)”
Sounds totally reasonable — as the plot of a shitty Justin Long movie.
The full ad is after the jump. [Betabeat]
Keep reading »
I am in the midst of an apartment search right now. It is annoying, frustrating, and anxiety-producing, but it is just Something That Must Happen. Somewhat more exasperating than just looking for an apartment is the fact that I am also seeking a roommate situation, which has led me to where else but that great cesspool of all things terrible and soul-crushing, Craigslist. Just how soul-crushing could it possibly be?, you inquire, doubting my integrity and ability to separate Truly Bad Things from Simply Irritating Ones because I am a young and very sensitive woman inclined to hyperbole and melodrama. Here, I present to you an actual post I was led to by my innocent hunt for a suitable (female) housemate. I would now like to wash my hands, and then maybe sew up my vagina. Inquire within! [Craigslist]
In preparation for our move to Nashville, my boyfriend Nick and I took Ami’s advice and decided to sell most of our stuff instead of spending the money to move it 2,300 miles. So for the past few weeks, we’ve been welcoming a string of Craigslist buyers into our home as we clear out all of our furniture and pretty much every other non-essential item we own. It’s been a bit stressful, but mostly liberating. In honor of Spring Cleaning Week, I thought it would be fun to document some of the lessons I’ve learned from the experience, because selling stuff on Craigslist is a great way to clear out clutter, even if you’re not moving across the country… Keep reading »
South by Southwest, the annual music/film/tech/excuse to eat tacos festival, began last week. It’s a great way to see a bunch of bands and network, we suppose, but it’s also an opportunity to make new friends, in exchange for “services.” At least according to one Craigslist poster, who offered perhaps one of the creepier SXSW living arrangements.
So says the ad from user “Daniel,” “This is a simple deal: A free place to stay with many extras in exchange for your services.” Oh, services? What a quaint way of demanding sex! Check out the full add after the jump. Keep reading »
Only on Craigslist would you find a help wanted ad for a woman to fart on a birthday cake for $50. It’s already awkward to show up at a birthday party when you don’t know anyone, but imagine being the cake farter. You show up at the bar, dressed in your most gas-friendly outfit and a guest is like, “Hey, how do you know John?”And you’re like, “Oh, I don’t John. I’m just here to fart on his birthday cake.” Other thoughts: what’s funny about farting on a perfectly good birthday cake? That’s not humor, that’s blasphemy. I would like to talk to the person who took this cake farting gig. Please contact me. I have many questions for you. [Craigslist via Gothamist]
You may want to consider hiring San Francisco’s Premiere Birthing DJ to spin the soundtrack for your hippie birth. According to the CraigsList ad, “Sarah Palin’s gay friend” specializes in YogaTronica, WombStep, Deep Doula House, Electrowifery, and Placenta dub. So, you can choose the style that fits your birthing plan best. “What better way to bring a loved one into the world than with kindred all around, doing some form of movement that can only be described as Ecstatic Dance’s Hippier Cousin?” asks the ad. Well, I’ve never given birth, but I think it’s safe to say that I wouldn’t want a rave going on around me while I was pushing a baby out of my vagina. But that’s just me. Ditto for a placenta poetry circle. Either this is the most finely written piece of parody or birthing DJs are a thing. I sure hope it’s the former. [Craigslist]