Robyn pointed me toward this ad on Craigslist today:
Robyn, not knowing me that well yet, of course probably figured that I would not reply to this ad. But of course I replied to this ad. I had three reasons for doing so:
Images of my butt are available on various parts of the Internet and in various contexts, so obviously I’m willing to negotiate the possibility of a stranger having a picture of my butt. If anyone should test whether or not this person is legitimately trying to get back at their employer, or if it’s just that he really likes butts, it should be me — any butt photo of mine that he would receive does not contain information that literally hundreds of thousands of other people don’t already have. Keep reading »
According to a “Rants & Raves” Craigslist personal ad, two Manhattan ladies are on a quest to find themselves a pair of fall boyfriends to replace their casual summer hook ups, because “now is the time you must start dating someone in order to spend the holidays together/go on ski trips/have a NYE kiss you’re stoked on.” Dudes without a “chill group of bro friends” need not apply. These guys must be six-foot or taller (those with sparkling personalities may be able to pass if they’re just one inch shy), an Ivy League education, and an affinity for Instagramming homemade autumn meals and couples’ selfies. These chill bros’ sartorial choices should include “Driving mocs, Barbour coat, Half-Zips (at least three, please send pics if possible), Ray-Bans (Wayfarers or Clubmaster preferred, but open to other styles), loafers, Patagonia vest(s), Vineyard Vines, basketball shorts for me to sleep in.” Access to a summer share in the Hamptons is a plus. Keep reading »
Sometimes Craigslist Missed Connections read exactly like the First Act summaries for quirky romantic comedies. In fact, I would like to option this Craigslist Missed Connection ad I just read titled “I told you not to feed your dog grapes.” Can you option CL ads? Can I just steal it? Anyway, the poster is allegedly a 33-year-old dude in cargo shorts who saw a woman feeding her dog grapes at the park and took the time to warn her that his own dog died after eating a bowl of grapes. In that moment, a special connection was formed, at least on Cargo Shorts end, and now he’s looking for the woman with a Border Collie who, P.S., may or may not be pregnant, because he wants to take her on a date. Sure, it’s kind of rude to say a woman looks like she might be pregnant, especially because two months pregnant could just as easily be a burrito baby, but Cargo Shorts wants a date regardless so YAY ROMANCE! When I make the movie version of this romantic tale, Ryan Gosling would play Cargo Shorts, DUH, only he would not actuallywear cargo shorts, because they are awful. I’m still unsure of the state of Dog Owner’s womb, though. Burrito baby or real baby? Hard to decide. [Craigslist]
I’ve missed my calling, and some bitch has beat me to it.
Recently, an entrepreneurial New York woman with extensive experience as a bridesmaid stepped up her game by posting a Craigslist ad offering her services as a “Professional Bridesmaid.” Why I didn’t think of this first will haunt me for the rest of my days, because I could be making BANK right now (as well as collecting a large assortment of chiffon dresses). I’ve been around the bridesmaid block a time or two, I know all about the emotional lifecycle of said title and feel I have what it takes to battle this woman. Keep reading »