According to a “Rants & Raves” Craigslist personal ad, two Manhattan ladies are on a quest to find themselves a pair of fall boyfriends to replace their casual summer hook ups, because “now is the time you must start dating someone in order to spend the holidays together/go on ski trips/have a NYE kiss you’re stoked on.” Dudes without a “chill group of bro friends” need not apply. These guys must be six-foot or taller (those with sparkling personalities may be able to pass if they’re just one inch shy), an Ivy League education, and an affinity for Instagramming homemade autumn meals and couples’ selfies. These chill bros’ sartorial choices should include “Driving mocs, Barbour coat, Half-Zips (at least three, please send pics if possible), Ray-Bans (Wayfarers or Clubmaster preferred, but open to other styles), loafers, Patagonia vest(s), Vineyard Vines, basketball shorts for me to sleep in.” Access to a summer share in the Hamptons is a plus. Keep reading »
Sometimes Craigslist Missed Connections read exactly like the First Act summaries for quirky romantic comedies. In fact, I would like to option this Craigslist Missed Connection ad I just read titled “I told you not to feed your dog grapes.” Can you option CL ads? Can I just steal it? Anyway, the poster is allegedly a 33-year-old dude in cargo shorts who saw a woman feeding her dog grapes at the park and took the time to warn her that his own dog died after eating a bowl of grapes. In that moment, a special connection was formed, at least on Cargo Shorts end, and now he’s looking for the woman with a Border Collie who, P.S., may or may not be pregnant, because he wants to take her on a date. Sure, it’s kind of rude to say a woman looks like she might be pregnant, especially because two months pregnant could just as easily be a burrito baby, but Cargo Shorts wants a date regardless so YAY ROMANCE! When I make the movie version of this romantic tale, Ryan Gosling would play Cargo Shorts, DUH, only he would not actuallywear cargo shorts, because they are awful. I’m still unsure of the state of Dog Owner’s womb, though. Burrito baby or real baby? Hard to decide. [Craigslist]
I’ve missed my calling, and some bitch has beat me to it.
Recently, an entrepreneurial New York woman with extensive experience as a bridesmaid stepped up her game by posting a Craigslist ad offering her services as a “Professional Bridesmaid.” Why I didn’t think of this first will haunt me for the rest of my days, because I could be making BANK right now (as well as collecting a large assortment of chiffon dresses). I’ve been around the bridesmaid block a time or two, I know all about the emotional lifecycle of said title and feel I have what it takes to battle this woman. Keep reading »
Dear Taco Dude,
First of all, I’d like to let you know that I feel your pain. While you were weathering the blizzard in Baltimore, I was also snowed in and hungry in New York City. It sucks to have a “shItty little hybrid douchemobile” that won’t make it to your neighborhood Taco Bell when it’s “snowing like a bitch outside” (not to mention the “few drinks too many” you’d thrown back), but dude, put yourself in my snow boots! Not only did I not have a ride in last night’s storm, I don’t own a car and getting a taxi in NYC would have been like an act of God. My hungry ass had to huff it, through the snowdrifts and gusts of icy wind, to the local bodega for whatever scraps I could find. A sad turkey sandwich. No tacos for me. Keep reading »