1. I’m 15 and for the first time in my life, a teacher calls me out on sleeping in class when I’ve been awake the whole time. I’m surprised it hasn’t happened earlier, because kids have made fun of my eyes since preschool. Times are a-changing I guess. I’m the only Asian in my class, one of three in my entire high school, and people bring it up all the time for the rest of the year. I get it. It’s funny, that time our old, kinda-racist teacher thought I was sleeping because my eyes are small. My eyes aren’t even that small!
2. I’m 12 and my mom is teaching me how to smile so that my eyes don’t disappear. No one likes a squint. I’m 0 percent invested, so I don’t learn. I do know that the word for squint in Mandarin is mī, and it forms your mouth in a squint when you pronounce it, like a lyrical “me,” lips tight for the ‘m’ and barely parted for the ‘ī’. I don’t read much into that. It’s just a happy coincidence, like how “groovy” ends on a smile.
3. I’m 20 and sometimes my friend points out that my eyes disappear when I smile really hard. I think — I know — I think she doesn’t mean it in a shitty way (“I always forget that you’re Asian,” she’s also said), but every time I hear it, it burns red hot in my brain for the rest of the day. I’ve learned enough to know that when I was 15 and people said, “It’s funny because your eyes aren’t even that small,” they were also saying, “You don’t look that Asian.” I suspect this is the same kind of thing. Then I suspect that I’m doing a lot of introspection for a hang sesh with my friends. Keep reading »
Justin Jedlica, also known as the Human Ken Doll, has a problem with Human Barbie Valeria Lukyanova, who he calls his “arch-nemesis.”
I’m getting a crazy flashback to that time when I was six and made my Barbie kick Ken out of the Dream House.
Jedlica and Lukyanova have met in the past, and Jedlica recently told GQ:
“She’s a cute girl…I don’t really get her. I don’t get why people think she’s so interesting. She has extensions. She wears stage makeup. She’s an illusionist…Unlike me, who has spent nearly $150,000 permanently transforming myself into a human Ken doll, Valeria just plays dress up. But as soon as you wipe away all that makeup, she’s just a plain Jane and there’s absolutely nothing special about her.”
Keep reading »
It’s scary how often nowadays you read about some quack getting arrested for performing plastic surgery procedures without a license. Usually, someone tries to do an at-home butt augmentation or a boob job. But some quacks think they’re skilled enough to mess around with other people’s blood. Take 45-year-old massage therapist Sandra Gonzalez of Long Beach, California: she was arrested last week when a client died in her beauty salon while getting an unspecified cosmetic injection. Keep reading »
It’s been a few months since we’ve heard from Sydney Leathers, sexting pal of Carlos Danger/former New York City mayoral candidate Rep. Anthony Weiner, and she’s back with a bang! According to an extremely creepy dude on TMZ, Miss Leathers is getting labiaplasty on her vulva and will auction off the excess labia skin encased in Lucite. Keep reading »
You know that moment, where you’re gripping some of your side fat in the bath, and you just ate all of the leftover spaghetti at once, with pesto and tomato sauce and grated cheese and, weirdly, liverwurst, and you’re thinking, Tomorrow I will go to the gym. And then I’ll go every day after that, for the rest of my life. And I will lose weight. It’ll be easier than I expect it to. And then my hair will grow out and it’ll be thicker than last time. And then I’ll be prettier. And then I’ll wear sleeveless dresses all the time and I’ll be happy?
That moment is lying to you. Keep reading »