I’m 25 and my husband is 23 and we have been married nine months, known each other for nearly five years, and dated for two before we got married. In the whole time I’ve known him, he has never done anything to make me not trust him: no weird texts and not a single white lie; I have never found anything he was hiding. But lately, I have been feeling a little uneasy about a girl he works with. He used to hang out with a certain group of people at work and then this new girl came into the group. She got transferred into a different department and now he wants to get into that department, too. She is going to an event this weekend — an event I used to go to every year and that my husband, in the five years I’ve known him, had no interest in at all — but now he wants to know “if I want to go.” One day I stayed home from work and we made plans to go to lunch, but he decided that, instead, we were going with the work friends, including her, and I got angry after I realized we weren’t doing what we had planned. He turned the car around halfway to lunch with his friends and brought me back home and left me there a crying mess, letting me know, “I was just being a bitch and he wasn’t going to let me just have my way.” Am I just being crazy, jealous and insecure? The nagging feeling won’t go away. — Nervous Newlywed
Tag Archives: commitment
I’m sure you get lots of letters about people who are afraid of commitment in relationships, but I have a different problem: I think I’m afraid of commitment in friendships. I’m a college student and don’t typically have any problem meeting new people; I have a full course load, I’m involved with a couple campus groups, I even live in a sorority house. I never have trouble finding someone to share dinner with, a drink, watch a movie, or whatever, but I don’t feel close enough to any of these people to ask them for advice on personal issues or share problems with them. In fact, I doubt I’ll even talk to any of my “friends” after graduation, despite the fact that college is supposed to be where you make lifelong friends. I wasn’t always like this; I had very close friends in high school (we’ve grown apart now but still keep in touch), and even now I have a boyfriend whom I don’t have any commitment issues with. I’m not sure where or how this situation developed, but I feel increasingly isolated and lonely without any best friends in my life. What can I do to learn to open up and be closer to people? — Disconnected
I have had my share of one-night stands. In fact, a significant percentage of the people I have slept with in the nearly 10 years since losing my virginity have been one-time deals. There was that guy at Mardi Gras — hold on … have to ask my friend what his name was … damn, she doesn’t remember either. Laird! His name was Laird, right? Anyway, there was Andrew, my realtor, who showed up at my apartment in the middle of the night and I was like, “Hey, why not?” The second guy I had sex with was also a one-night stand — his name was Sean. He was really good-looking and when it was over he said it had been “lovely” and I remember he had a cute face, but I cannot remember how we ended up in bed together.
What I also didn’t remember, until recently, was that most of these one-night stands didn’t make me feel very good the next day. Keep reading »
Recently I met a guy that I truly enjoy being with. We have been sort of dating for a month. We are very different from each other, but we connected really well from the first time we started talking. I have never really “dated” in the conventional sense before. Usually, it takes two to three dates before me and the guy are already sort of a “couple.” This guy doesn’t want to commit to me yet though. He feels that one month is too short of a time. I really like him so I agreed to it, but deep inside it is eating me up. I mean, I know he isn’t dating anyone else because he works like crazy and we talk on the phone every night. We have already had sex and the more I have sex with him the more I fall head over heels. I took a bit of time off from him because I felt like I was falling for him and the more I did the more I wanted a commitment. This word pushes him to the wall and it scares him away. So I figured, if I don’t see him for a week, then he will miss me and want me more, or I will get over him and that way won’t scare him off. It seems as if he is still the same. No drastic change with him. It seems like he isn’t going crazy for not seeing me. On the other hand, he calls me every night. It confuses me because he keeps on calling me and talking to me as if he needs to call me, but does not want to commit to me. I miss him so much. What am I supposed to do? I do not know how the dating scene works. How long do people casually date before they can start thinking of being a couple? Should I continue dating him casually and wait for him to make the move (if ever), and if so, how long should I wait until I understand it is pointless to continue? — In A Hurry
For four years I’ve been really good friends with an on and off girlfriend, during which time it’s been back and forth between sexual intimacy and more of a best-friend relationship. Whenever I bring up the idea of something more permanent, she gets evasive. In undergrad it was easy to skate around this; we both saw other people occasionally, and while we wouldn’t go into details we remained very close, often returning to each other for what was familiar and ‘safe.’ I am leaning towards wanting a permanent relationship with her. I already feel like we’re in a tacit monogamous relationship because neither of us has been out on a date with another person in at least a year, sometimes we spend weeks on end at each others places, other times when life catches up we may miss each other for a week or two, but we’ll still talk every day. The bottom line is that getting to the head of the conversation with her seems really hard. We communicate really well otherwise, but I think she purposefully evades the conversation because she doesn’t want to commit. At this point, what would the difference be by putting a label on it? — Confused in DC
I am 24 years old and currently in a committed, loving, happy relationship. My boyfriend of 2.5 years is cute, sexy, kind, intelligent, AND we are so compatible that we barely fight; we are really really good together. Before him, I dated non-seriously, but he is my first love and my first really serious relationship. Although I am happy now and fully committed, I can’t help but think that though I want to end up with him in the long run, I would like to be single again, experiment or date around a little bit, and be on my own before I REALLY settle down and get married. There have been no serious marriage talks, engagements, or proposals yet, but once I did mention this want to him before and it kind of hurt him, because it made him feel sick to his stomach to imagine me with anyone else but him. For some reason I thought that he, being a guy, would want the same thing and to experiment/be free a bit before settling down, but I assumed wrong. And having these feelings makes me feel bad or greedy or like I shouldn’t want to date other people before I settle down, but I definitely don’t want to get married with ANY doubts. Am I wrong or is it bad to want this? Will it ruin our relationship in the long run, or make things too complicated? I am afraid that I would make this decision and then regret it later after realizing how much it hurts both of us, or something like that … but then again like I said I don’t want to have any doubts. — Wondering
I am 26 years old and have been dating my boyfriend for a little over a year. Our relationship started off with many issues — I had just ended a very serious relationship and he was getting over an unrequited love. We had a blast together the first few months because there was very little expectation of our relationship becoming more than just a summer fling. But our feelings for each other didn’t end so we gave it another shot. The first few months of trying again were pretty rough because of our insecurities, but now things are at a very good place. We have been living together for a few months and share everything together. We’ve said the big L word, and tell each other that every day. But my boyfriend seems a bit phobic about getting engaged and married, and I’m not sure if he’s just afraid of that commitment or if it’s with me. We have talked about having children together, but more jokingly than seriously. When I asked him if he plans on marrying me someday, his answer has always been “I want to,” but I’m not convinced. He tells me that he loves me, but not enough for that level of commitment yet. I don’t want to be in a relationship if I’m not “the one.” Is this a bad sign that our relationship will not get there? Am I overreacting and being too impatient? — Hurt and Confused
I was a little bit unsettled when I read a recent Cary Tennis column on Salon called “I’m 32 already. Time to get married!” I realized that I could have written the question myself (well, I just want to meet someone great). A woman is torn between wanting to meet a life partner and wanting to follow every fun, salacious flirtation that comes her way – because, after all, isn’t that the best part of being single? Tending to choose the latter, she knows that it will not ultimately get her what she wants. Keep reading »
My boyfriend and I have been together for just under 2 ½ years and at the risk of sounding gag-arrific, I’ve really never been happier. Not only do we love each other, but we actually like each other a lot, too — two things I’ve learned don’t always go hand in hand. We have tons in common, have a great time together, always make each other laugh, and never run out of stuff to talk about. Among some of our topics of conversations are: vacation plans, buying a place in Brooklyn, having kids (when, why, and what to name them), and whether, when we’re old and gray, we’ll be like the senior couples we see in the park sometimes who hold hands on the bench and swap sections of the Sunday New York Times. One of the topics that doesn’t crop up in our conversations very much, despite everything else we discuss, is marriage, something it seems like a lot of people — my family, especially — can’t seem to understand.
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When two people first start dating, they put on their best sides. They reveal only snippets of information to each other, leaving the full story for when the person really gets to know them. Basically, we wait until we have them tangled in our web of niceties to crush them with the sad truth that we are really an awful, despicable person.
All kidding aside, there are some serious issues you need to figure out before you make the plunge and change your Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Relationship.” Here’s a look at 5 potential dealbreakers, and how to spot them. Keep reading »