This is a story about a dysfunctional relationship. It was between me and my bedroom closet, and I know you know what I’m talking about.

If you’re a Heeb like me, Christmas can be one long, boring day off. None of your friends are around to hang out, you probs have nothing to do besides watch TV reruns of Christmas specials—snooze-a-palooza! Well, just because the mall and every restaurant is closed—besides the Chinese joint—doesn’t mean you can’t fill your day with fun!  Here are 10 Cool Things To Do On Christmas:

1. See A Flick:  Movie theaters stay open.  Plus, around Christmas, there are a lot of future Oscar contenders out like “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.” Or, you know, “Marley & Me.”
2. DIY Dildo: For that crafty bitch with some time on her hands, make your own masturbator.  Or if you’re too lazy, you can just get off with these household items.

Wham, bam, thank you, ma’am! Sometimes sex is best when its quick, because lord knows we’ve got things to do besides you. Sex can be short and sweet when you’re on-the-go, so long as you are set up for a rip roaring time. But where and how can you get a Big O swifter than a Big Mac?

Don’t Change That Dial Accost him when the TV show he’s watching hits commercial, and challenge him to get off before the break ends.

Call in for Delivery Afternoon delights turn lunchtime into dessert. Set up an impromptu meeting to take advantage of your man and your mid-day break.

Happy couple Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon keep getting photographed in identical outfits. It’s like they’re going to the senior prom every day. Honestly, what is it with couples that dress alike? Okay, the occasional matching outfit can be a funny way of realizing how right you are for each other, but when you wake up in the morning and have to discuss color coordinating, you’re taking things too far! Although, we’re sure with the leash Mrs. Mariah has got on Mr. Carey, he’s not really allowed to stray at all—especially to colors that don’t look good on her. However, the same outfits are even ridiculous for a diva like Mimi.  If you’re in love with your style twin it’s like you’re too lazy to masturbate. Show the world you both really are a match by wearing different clothes. [DListed]