Your average morning goes something like this:
7:20 a.m.: Beep beep beep!
7:21 a.m.: Snooze
7:30 a.m.: Beep beep!
7:31 a.m.: Snooze, motherf**ker.
7:33 a.m.: Wonderful dream in which you and Jake Gyllenhaal are on a deserted beach, and he looks at you intensely, cups your chin, leans in and—beep beep!!!—oh, come on! You…