First thing’s first: I’m a Jew. I haven’t celebrated Christmas since I was a little kid and we still believed in Santa Claus. (I was eight when I discovered he wasn’t real, and ceremoniously told my younger brother and sister at the dinner table. My mom got so mad she squeezed ketchup all over my face.) We never had a tree, but after that year, we stopped getting Christmas presents, too.
My bad. Keep reading »
The bloating of Thanksgiving and the bloodshed of Black Friday are behind us, and now Christmas, Hanukkah, and New Year’s celebrations are ahead of us. It’s the most joyous time of the year, right? You’re ridiculously happy and emotionally stable right now, aren’t you? Not so much? Yeah, me neither. For one thing, we’re down to about three hours of cold, gray daylight every day. Seriously, yesterday I thought I’d pop out for a walk at the reasonable time of 3:45, but it was already so dark I would have needed one of those spelunking headlamps to safely navigate my neighborhood streets. At the risk of sounding like an emo poem I wrote in 7th grade, constant darkness outside is enough to make me feel constantly dark inside.
Whether it’s family drama, bad weather, relationship problems, financial issues, cabin fever, or some crappy combination of all of the above, a lot of people I know are having a rough time right now. How can you navigate the hyper-joyful holiday seasons when you’re not feeling so merry yourself? Well, here are 8 things to try… Keep reading »
Forget about the 12 days of Christmas — for chocoholics, Decembers is all about the 25 days of CHOCOLATE. For those of you who weren’t lucky enough to grow up with the Advent calendar tradition, it’s a calendar with 25 tiny boxes, which each contains a piece of chocolate inside. This festive Advent calendar from Starbucks gives you a piece of chocolate every day throughout the month of January until Christmas, plus five tiny presents inside. Don’t tell Santa that your sweet tooth has been very naughty this year. [$29.95, Starbucks Store]
“Baby, It’s Cold Outside” is the most squirmy of Christmas songs. It’s supposed to be a cute duet between a woman and a man who wants her to stay longer, clearly written during a time period when a woman’s “reputation” for not having casual sex truly mattered. As such, the lyrics are pretty date rapey, with the woman constantly protesting that she wants to leave (“Say, what’s in this drink?”, “I ought to say no, no, no, sir, At least I’m gonna say that I tried”) and the man trying to wheedled and guilt trip her into staying (“Mind if I move in closer? What’s the sense in hurting my pride?”, “How can you do this thing to me?”). Some more modern duets flip the genders in the song as if that’s supposed to make it sound less aggressive. But I’m more into this cover by someone named Chase Gregory who covers “Baby, It’s Cold Outside” by rewriting the man’s lyrics entirely, with Chase singing both parts. Instead of wheedling the woman to stay, Chase’s dude is happy to escort her out and assure her it’s okay if she wants to go home. It’s pretty funny stuff! [YouTube]
If the thought of going to the mall on Black Friday completely freaked you out, take heart. Today is the second biggest holiday shopping day of the year, but you can participate without even leaving the comfort of your own laptop. After the jump, tons of Cyber Monday deals. And if you’ve found one we haven’t, please share it in the comments! Keep reading »
Add one more advertisement to the slew of commercials stereotyping men and women. Asda, a British supermarket, debuted a new ad for the Christmas holidays, featuring a mother running herself ragged, creating the perfect Christmas for her family. Because, you know, that’s what all women do. Keep reading »
Dan Savage suggests fucking before dinner. And yeah, that’s probably the best policy when it comes to huge holiday meals like Thanksgiving or Christmas dinner. But if you can’t make that happen for whatever reason (and there are plenty of reasons, like FAMILY STRESS), you might find yourself in an emotional place where you need to seek solace in the comfort of sex after the biggest meal of your life. If that’s the place you find yourself in, or if holidays just make you horny, there are ways to work around that five-pound food baby in your stomach. Some tips for post-huge dinner sex after the jump. Keep reading »
Should someone tell the Johnson family that they have a very merry penis on their front lawn? Nah. Might as well let Christmas keep coming until New Year’s. [Sofa Pizza]