For my teeny tiny Christmas tree in my Manhattan apartment, I purchased one of those flimsy contraptions, certainly built to only last one season. But this Swarovski-encrusted tree stand is putting me to shame. It’s shiny, fancy, and really, really expensive at $14,770. Could this be the very best present under a tree? [Born Rich]

If you’re a Heeb like me, Christmas can be one long, boring day off. None of your friends are around to hang out, you probs have nothing to do besides watch TV reruns of Christmas specials—snooze-a-palooza! Well, just because the mall and every restaurant is closed—besides the Chinese joint—doesn’t mean you can’t fill your day with fun!  Here are 10 Cool Things To Do On Christmas:

1. See A Flick:  Movie theaters stay open.  Plus, around Christmas, there are a lot of future Oscar contenders out like “The Curious Case Of Benjamin Button.” Or, you know, “Marley & Me.”
2. DIY Dildo: For that crafty bitch with some time on her hands, make your own masturbator.  Or if you’re too lazy, you can just get off with these household items.

This holiday commercial cracks me up. Further proof that even though your kids will have no idea what’s really going on, parents should still hide their sexy Santa costumes and S&M gear where they can’t be found by kids snooping for Christmas presents.

Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. So it’s your civic duty to get someone to ring your bell on Christmas! Hooking up on the holiday is one part finesse, one part alcohol, and one part restraining yourself from stuffing your face. But it is possible to make babies on Jesus’ B-Day, no matter your religion. Here’s how you can be naughty on Christmas Eve and Day…

Trojan condoms report their highest sales of the year take place in the week between Christmas and New Year’s Eve. Researchers attribute this spike to holiday downtime, New Year’s resolutions to get knocked up, and booze-fueled Yuletide revelry. It seems counterintuitive, and almost profane, that a holiday most associated with innocence and children would also be a holiday of steamy boot knocking. But I suspect it has something to do with my favorite Christmas movie. And my favorite Christmas movie isn’t even a Christmas movie.

Ahh, god love those people who have the time to splice and dice audio into something dirty. Of course, it wasn’t very hard to do that with Nigella Lawson, the British chef, who manages to make everything she puts on the stove sound erotic. [Via Buzzfeed]

Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started!

Back in the day, the Winter Solstice, which falls on December 21st, was a sexy time for all! In Ancient Greece, it was known as “The Festival of the Wild Women.” The Romans danced around with phalluses, cross dressed, and slaves showed their master who was boss—hot!  Now Winter Solstice celebrations are all tied up with religion and gift giving, but that doesn’t mean we can’t still have a little extra dirty fun—especially since it’s is the longest night of the year. So, here are my pervy suggestions for putting the happy in your holiday season…

We’ve all come up with little creative ways to cut back on spending and raise money for those holiday gifts, from taking on a second job to selling clothes on eBay. But a 14-year old Austin girl had a much better way to raise some holiday cash. She decided to pimp out her brothers.

Kristin Walters has muscular dystrophy, which prevents her from doing work most kids can do to earn money. So she turned to her older, and handsome, twin brothers for help. Kristen is auctioning off a date with her bros on Craigslist to have spending money to buy gifts for her family. According to the post, the date includes dinner at a fine restaurant, drinks and transportation in the local Austin area.

After almost six years, a wedding, and a house, there aren’t a whole lot of “firsts” left for my husband and me. In a few weeks, we’re adopting our first pet. When we have some spare money, I hope someday we can take our first trip to Europe. Maybe one day we’ll have our first child. But in the meantime, one of those rare “firsts” is coming up, and it’s our first Christmas as a married couple. It also happens to be the first Christmas I’ll spend away from home.

According to a new study, a third of all women “view an inadequate Christmas gift as a relationship deal-breaker.” Women sited cooking utensils, cleaning products, fake jewelry, and, mysteriously, “a tape dispenser” as bad gift choices. Not surprisingly, lame gifts followed by more disappointments (reservations at the wrong restaurant, perhaps?) led to more breakups, the survey found. Interestingly, smart women are particularly hard to please: “highly educated women—especially those in the legal field—are particularly demanding.”

Being single around the holidays can get you extra seasonally depressed.  Everywhere I go, I see couples choosing knick-knacks together, making out in front of store windows, and drunkenly leaving parties early so they can go off and do it. Barf! Just kidding, it’s totally cute. I’ve been there and I’ve had a great time getting showered with expensive gifts from boyfriends! But something tells me I’m going to like being footloose and fancy-free this winter. After all, there are plenty of reasons to be happy that I didn’t stick with someone who wasn’t right for me just so I could cash in on a present….well, besides the fact that I’d have to shell out a gift for him too. After the jump, what I’ve discovered about the grass being greener on the single side of the season…

The current historic economic nosedive has two unintended consequences. One of them is that hobos just aren’t really cute anymore. Maybe they never were. All these years I thought they were adorable dirty clowns, carrying little bundles tied to the ends of sticks. I never realized those bundles were full of cans of beans and broken dreams.

The other consequence of what economists are finally calling a “recession” (and what I call “The Brokepocalypse”), is that we’re all, well, broke. Tightening our purse strings, gettin’ all thrifty, learning how to turn a bag of 99 cent ramen noodles into a gourmet feast. A lot of us are laid-off, and my heart goes out to you. As a society, we’ve all been living off credit, from the government to corporations to yours truly. It’s just the way it is. The manic pursuit of the Good Life has officially been detoured.

And this is the season to question what exactly is the good life? Is it expensive handbags and marked-up bottles of vodka at the clubs and the absolute coolest gizmo that will be obsolete before you take it out of its box? This holiday you should ask yourself: Which came first, the people you love or the big price tag on the gift?

I can’t stand Christmas music.  After a weeks worth of shopping I’m already up to my eyeballs in “Silver Bells” and “Feliz Navidad.” Don’t get me wrong, I love buying gifts, but if I hear one more light jazz rendition of “Jingle Bell Rock,” I’m going to lose it. There are plenty of non-Christmas celebrating shoppers out there, slowly being tortured by seasonal elevator music—the Heebs, Muslims, Buddhists, Jehovah Witnesses, Atheists, Taoists….well, you get the point. Still, since it’s our job, if we have the means, to help boost the economy, I would just like to suggest some tracks to the retailers out there, unless they want me to do my holiday shopping at home—where I can blast my own awesome non-denominational music. Now, let’s get in the mood to spend with these hot holiday-free jams that revel in consumerism…

There’s nothing like the smell of fresh pine this time of year, but having a real Christmas tree comes with some downsides: those freaking needles get everywhere, the thing needs to be watered even though it’s dead, and none of us have the space for a 9” beauty. The fake options below will make your apartment festive this December without the drawbacks. Just make sure to buy a pine-scented candle so you don’t miss out on the smell of Douglas Fir.

On Monday it was finally made official: the U.S. is definitely in a recession. While most of us have been feeling the pinch for a while, the holidays bring an added challenge to stretch our dollars as far as we can. The good news is that from gift giving to decorating and dressing for parties, there are definitely stylish ways to celebrate this time of year on a tight budget. Learn a few tips after the jump.

Yesterday I posted about the Leading Lipstick Indicator, “a surprisingly reliable theory that suggests consumers turn to inexpensive little treats, like lipstick, when they start freaking out about the future.” It seems that included in those inexpensive indulgences, we women are splurging on sex toys to get us through the hard times. At a benefit last night for the New Space Women’s Center hosted at Babes of Toyland, owner and co-founder, Claire Cavanauh, told NYMag, “Right around when the AIG bailout started, and people’s consciousnesses were really being raised about what was going to happen, our sales went up 26 percent,” an increase she said the store hadn’t seen since just after the 9/11 terrorist attacks (the same time lipstick sales reportedly soared for leading cosmetic companies). The idea, explained benefit attendee and “Gossip Girl” actress Michelle Hurd (Eleanor Waldorf’s assistant, Laurel) is, “You can stay home, it’s free! And it’s warm, especially since here in New York it’s getting so cold.” She even bought her mother the Rabbit for Christmas last year, a vibrator made famous by a memorable “Sex and the City” episode. While I can appreciate a vibrator’s place in these trying economic times, I’m not quite sure I’d give the gift that keeps giving to the woman who gave me life (a tube of lipstick may be a more appropriate stocking stuffer), but what about you guys? Would you ever give someone — your mother or anyone else — a vibe as a holiday gift? [via NYMag]

The day that sees the biggest increase in text messages is not Christmas, Thanksgiving, or even New Year’s. No, given that today is February 12, you will no doubt guess that Valentine’s Day is the most popular holiday for text messages, according to data from AT&T. How romantic. Personally, I despise text message shorthand, but if you’re really lazy and need some suggestions for what to send your lovers and friends, keep reading…

Around this time of year, a lot of single people start complaining about the fact that they’re single and don’t have anyone special to exchange presents with or kiss when the ball drops. But single people should stop being sad and start exercising the wonderful opportunity they have for picking up dates during the holiday season! Or so says Joseph Matthews, the author The Art of Approaching, who specializes in teaching men how to meet the women of their dreams. He has some ideas for doing that during the holidays, and we don’t think they’re guy exclusive, so let’s take a look…

FOR HER
On A Budget: The My So-Called Life box set demonstrates that he’s totally in tune with your inner angsty teenager and that he doesn’t expect you to watch Die Hard for the 50 mllionth time.
Been Savin’: Buying a woman lingerie is kinda cheating because it’s obviously a gift he’ll enjoy too—so is buying her a digital camera (the two could go hand in hand). Agent Provocateur is totally our favorite high-end sexy under garments—there’s nothing practical about these frills, but since when did we want practical gifts anyway?
Got Money To Burn: Christian Louboutin stilettos aka the sexiest damn shoes you’ll ever put on your totally unworthy feet. If my boyfriend got me a pair of these for Christmas, I would be totally tempted to post about it here, but that might be seen as bragging, so I wouldn’t.