It sure seems like extortion is the new black. Today’s target: Cindy Crawford and her family. No, no—don’t jump to any Letterman-like conclusions—Cindy didn’t do anything wrong at all. Over the summer, her nanny played a game of “cops and robbers” with her then 7-year-old daughter, Kaia, and took a photo of Kaia in a pair of shorts and a t-shirt, gagged and tied to a chair. The nanny had intended to tape the photo, along with a note that read, “the baby sitter went crazy and tied everyone up and they need your help!” to the front door as a joke. (Um, would this be funny? Not so much.) But instead, Edis Kayalar (above, right), a German fellow she had met at a bar a few months before, found the photo and stole Cindy’s phone number off the nanny’s cell phone. He called her and said that he wanted to return the photo because the fact that the girl was “in revealing clothing, bound to a chair and gagged” supposedly “bothered” him because he was a “good person.”

• Ivanka Trump went on “The View” without her wedding ring, which you know Elisabeth Hasselbeck noticed. [Daily Intel]—Is this a sign her marriage is already doomed?
• Next to every good male celebrity is a good woman, but how does she remain strong, trusting, and disciplined when he’s famous and she’s not? Check out these celeb husbands and their fabulous, non-celeb wives. [Starpulse]
• Web series “Under the Arch” is having an open casting call for “nine NYU students living their dream.” [NYU Local]—Yeah, because “The City” sucks that much.

• The U.S. Army apologized to Ryan Seacrest after learning the “American Idol” host’s stalker was one of their own. Chidi Uzomah Jr., a sergeant with the Army Reserves, entered the E! offices on Friday armed with a knife. He also attacked one of Seacrest’s bodyguards in September. [People]—Ryan sort of annoys us, but he doesn’t deserve to be stalked.
• During a D.C. Council hearing on marriage equality, a witness paused during his testimony to propose to his partner. [The Daily What]—Aww.
• Weezer teamed up with Snuggie to promote their new album [Spinner]—I believe a 2009 remix for “Undone (The Sweater Song)” could be in the making.

• Gawker Media has responded to a copyright infringement lawsuit in the amount of $1 million filed by “Grey’s Anatomy” star Eric Dane and his actress wife Rebecca Gayheart for the website’s posting of a video of the pair socializing naked with Kari Ann Peniche, a former beauty queen. The website is taking issue with the amount of money the couple is seeking. [THR, esq.]
• Elton John has an E. coli bacterial infection and the flu and is staying at a London hospital. [NY Post]—He wouldn’t be in this mess if he had a Zadro Nano Wand UV Disinfection Scanner.
• Jessica Simpson used to promote her sister Ashlee on “Melrose Place” via Twitter, but now that Ashlee has been canned, Jess says the soap is crap anyway. [Us Weekly]—I have to agree with you on this one, Jess.

On Thursday’s “Good Morning America” at 7 a.m., Rihanna will publicly break her silence and tell what went down in Chris Brown‘s Lamborghini the night he assaulted her. She’ll follow up that appearance with an interview on “20/20” on Friday at 10 p.m. [Celeb Wohoo]

I wouldn’t get too excited about this interview because Rihanna probably won’t reveal much—she’s had nine months to perfect the PR coaching she was no doubt given. But, we’ll be watching anyway, to find out whether this was an isolated incident or if there was a pattern of physical or emotional abuse before the assault.

Another day, another celebrity confesses to once being a meth head. Earlier this week, it was Jodie Sweetin of “Full House” who came clean about her drug use. Now tennis legend Andre Agassi is confessing that, back in the late ‘90s, he used meth, too. In his autobiography (out Nov. 9), Agassi explains that he was stressed over not playing well and his rocky relationship with Brooke Shields. He was sitting on the couch with his assistant, who asked Andre if he wanted to get high.

Jet lag? I think not. In this 2007 interview to promote “ER” in Australia, John Stamos was clearly wasted out of his mind. In fact, the first word out of his mouth was “vodka.” He followed it up by reading the host’s lines off the teleprompter and making crude gestures. Two years later, John is finally admitting that he was in fact on sleeping pills and also just plain ol’ “plastered” in this clip. Duh. Well, at least he’s not a real doctor. [Celebitchy]

After the jump, some more of our favorite under-the-influence television appearances. Whether the stars admit it or not.

I wonder if her recent plastic surgery made her mug shot look any better? Stephanie Pratt was arrested Saturday night at 3:45 a.m. for a DUI on her way back from Holly Montag‘s birthday at Empire. She spent the night in the Van Nuys jail and was released at 10:30 a.m. the next morning. Earlier in the night, she tweeted, “Its my sissy @hollymontags bday party! just finished dinner and going to Empire but im pretty tired aka yes i am the party pooper :(” Guess she changed her mind on the party pooping? [People]

• Lindsay Lohan‘s probation extension request has been granted by a Los Angeles Superior Court judge. Supposedly, Lindz has been too busy “working” to complete her substance treatment program. [NY Times]—I couldn’t resist the urge to use that photo again because it’s priceless, and I didn’t want any of you to miss it.
• Maria Shriver has apologized for breaking California’s law forbidding driving and talking on a cell phone without a hands-free device. [McClatchy]—She’s probably more sorry she was caught on camera.
• TLC is suing Jon Gosselin for breaching his “Jon and Kate Plus 8” contract. “The network alleges Gosselin ignored his obligations as an exclusive employee and profited by making unauthorized appearances on other TV programs.” [PopEater]—It’s true, no one would have given a rat’s ass about Jon’s separation from Kate if he didn’t have a TV show.

• Jon Gosselin has been ordered to return $180,000 in marital funds to Kate Gosselin by Oct. 26. If he doesn’t give it back, he faces contempt charges. [MSNBC]
• U.K. Bartender Lloyd Gardner helps catch rapist, then donates his police reward to the victim. [Lemondrop]
• Note to, well, everyone: Nudity does not make you ineligible for a shoplifting arrest. [Dumb As A Blog]—It only makes your situation more ridiculous.

In case you didn’t have cable in the ‘80s you might have missed the wholesome, corn-fed blonde, Stacy Ann Ferguson, on my favorite show “Kids, Incorporated.” So what was little Stacy Ann up to between then and joining the Black Eyed Peas as Fergie? In an interview with The Sunday Times, she was dabbling in serious debauchery. Fergie says she went through a period of doing ecstasy and meth. She was also obsessed with East L.A. gangsta dudes, aka “cholos.” While I suppose that Fergie is telling the truth about her “dark past,” I’m thinking that she may have been going through what the rest of the known world calls “adolescence.” You know, that time in your life when you are confused about your identity and you make really poor choices, including experimenting with drugs, alcohol, and sex. Who is Fergie kidding? She is no hardened criminal or rehabilitated juvenile delinquent because she had a bad meth trip and slept with a couple of homies. She went to therapy, became a superstar, and now she’s married to Josh Duhamel. Yawn. [Popeater]

Beyonce turned a few heads when she released her album last year under her alter ego, Sasha Fierce. But Jennifer Lopez is turning even more heads now because people are asking themselves: “WTF, didn’t Bey do this last year?” J.Lo has released her new single, “Fresh Out the Oven,” under the alias “Lola,” which is Marc Anthony’s pet name for her. And Lola, similar to Sasha, has her own website too. The song really isn’t original; it’s Jennifer’s typical dance music. While I could do without rapper Pitbull on it, the song itself is kind of catchy and in step with most pop music out now—it’s Autotuned within an inch of its life, but J.Lo still sounds like she’s screeching when hitting the high notes. I’m happy Jennifer is working again because those twins of hers have to eat.

If Victoria Rowell had worn her Obama gown to the Emmy Awards last year, it probably wouldn’t have been so shocking because a lot of celebs were showing their support for Barack Obama‘s presidential campaign at that time. But she donned a dress with his face all over it at a time when most people are still trying to figure out whether it’s appropriate to still wear their Obama paraphernalia now that he’s president. Victoria said she was trying to make a statement and she certainly did, but I think her reasoning was lost in the shock value. She told Essence.com that health care reform was her motive for wearing the gown ...

• Mischa Barton is furious with tabloid writers for convincing people she’s crazy. [Starpulse]—You can’t get much crazier than blaming a meltdown and a mental facility stay on wisdom teeth removal surgery. I’m just sayin’.
• Suri Cruise is only three years old, but she seems to already be experimenting with makeup. While in Boston with her parents Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes, Suri sported a smear of what looked like pink lipstick across her mouth yesterday. [Daily Mail]—It could have also been a smear of lollipop or Popsicle juice.
• Friends of Jessica Simpson fear she may be at her lowest point ever after she lost her dog to a coyote. [People]—Well, she is about due for a Hollywood meltdown.

We’re all a little frustrated with Kanye West right about now, but someone recently vented by editing his now-protected Wikipedia page with enough insults to humble Mr. West for at least a day or two, if that’s even possible. Here’s what the now-gone version of the page said:

“Kanye West is a dope dealing, crack smoking, cocaine sniffing, no talent, immature, cowardly, racist son of a bitch who doesn’t even DESERVE to be on a stage or in a studio. He is also a spoiled rotten Mama’s Boy who screams and cries and stamps his foot and throws a tantrum when he doesn’t get his way. I bet his dead mother is happy that she doesn’t have to put up with his lame ass s**t anymore. His true colors have come out. F**K YOU, KANYE! After your actions tonight at the MTV VMA’s you have sealed your career in a lead lined coffin which I sincerely hope is on it’s way to the bottom of the deepest, darkest hole at the bottom of the Pacific Ocean.”

Wow, that’s harsh! This is just further evidence that celebs shouldn’t drink when there’s a microphone and a camera nearby. [Wikipedia via Fashion Indie]

• President Obama becomes the “Condemner-in-Chief,” weighing in on Kanye West at the VMAs: “He’s a jackass.” [TMZ]—Sure, that’s what a lot of Americans are saying, Mr. President—but aren’t you supposed to be busy trying to get us health care?
• Bail has been increased exponentially to $30 million for Jaycee Lee Dugard‘s alleged kidnapper . [Folsom Telegraph]

Brittany “Bre” Scullark, an “America’s Next Top Model” Cycle Five semi-finalist, was arrested in NYC yesterday for disorderly conduct. She argued with a woman in a Starbucks who claimed Bre had taken her laptop and wouldn’t give it back. Bre claims she wasn’t trying to steal the woman’s laptop. She thought it belonged to a relative who was with her. When the woman asked for it back, Bre became rowdy and spewed a string of expletives and insults, insisting the laptop belonged to her family member. The police were called, and she was taken into custody and issued a summons. Bre will go before a judge at a later date, but this isn’t the first time she’s over-reacted. You may remember the time she poured out another model’s Red Bull because she suspected her of eating her food, during her cycle of “ANTM.” Sadly, Bre isn’t the only “Top Model” with bad manners. In July, we learned Caridee English is a complete slob even when she’s subletting. [TMZ]

Is it just me or has 2009 been “The Year of Ridiculous Fights” for Perez Hilton? Sure, his derogatory blogs are sure to annoy even the thickest-skinned celebrities, but this year he seems to be digging in and truly getting under some celebrity skin. Of course, he’s at it again—this time his opponent is Demi Moore. The issue? Some suggestive party pics of her 15-year-old daughter Tallulah Willis. I’m sure you can imagine where this one’s going. That’s right ... a Twitter war.

It’s always disconcerting when a once-promising actress totally loses it. (Hello, Natasha Lyonne.) The latest in the line is Maia Campbell, who once starred in the show “In The House” alongside LL Cool J. Back in March, a report surfaced on the site MediaTakout.com from a reader who claimed they’d spent the day with Campbell and that (a) she was living on Venice Beach (b) she hadn’t showered in a while and was begging for someone to wash her hair and (c) she couldn’t stop smoking meth. It was easy to think maybe the letter and accompanying photos were just a mean prank, but today a video surfaced of Campbell. And let’s just say that she doesn’t exactly look or sound sober in it. Rumors are also swirling that she’s been picked up for robbery and prostitution in the past year. If this is what’s going on, here’s hoping Maia is able to get help. Soon. [Gawker]