A few weeks ago, I wrote about my least favorite issue of Us Weekly—their annual “Diets That Work!” extravaganza. As usual, they lauded the absurd diet and fitness habits of already totally skinny celebrities like Gwyneth Paltrow, Beyonce, and Molly Sims. But three weeks have passed and the editors have seemed to come to a realization—many of the fad celebrity diets which result in the super slim bodies they praised for “28 Bonus Pages!” are actually, GASP, dangerous and unhealthy. The latest issue of Us reports on “the new and risky cleanses stars”—like Paltrow, Beyonce, and Sims—“use to slim down.” Wait, you mean Gwyneth needs to do more than work out 14 hours a week in order to have those enviable stems? Say WHAT?!

Hey look! It’s my least favorite issue of Us Weekly—“2009 Diets That Work!”! That is, CELEB diets that work—all of the diets, workout plans, and “weight loss tricks” are ones that have worked for big money stars like Jennifer Aniston (such a fatty before, RIGHT?), Britney Spears, and Beyonce. And by the way, only women are featured in the “28 page bonus” section (ZOMG, I am tots getting my $3.99 worth). Sure, the vast majority of Us‘s readers are female, and presenting the perfectly perfect bodies of celebs is supposed to be aspirational, but c’mon. Gimme a few male chubsters who lost some weight and how they did it—like Horatio Sanz and Seth Rogan. I want to know how those guys—who were truly overweight—lost the lard.