In her Salon piece, “A Nation of Attention Whores,” Mary Elizabeth Williams asks why everyone in this country seems so starved for fame. I think that very question is on everyone’s mind after the recent “Balloon Boy” incident. As Falcon Heene vomited on national television, you couldn’t help but feel sick about being taken for a [balloon] ride by his fame whore papa. And that’s just one of many examples of how people are doing crazier and crazier things to get their 15 minutes. Others: Meghan McCain’s boobs, Jon and Kate, Susan Boyle, OctoMom, Real Housewives, Perez Hilton—the list goes on and on. Ever since the evolution of reality TV and the internet, it is easier than ever for anyone to get famous for just about anything. No talent, intelligence, or hard work required. But why are we so obsessed with fame?

Sandra Bullock has always annoyed the crap out of me with her repeated portrayal of the stock rom-com character—the gorgeous, “quirky” girl. Even more irritating perhaps is that she is trying to live her onscreen persona off screen. Sandra’s message to the women of the world is always a variation of the same theme—be unique, ladies! Thanks for the permission, Sandy. In a recent interview with Parade, she said:

“Why is it that men are called ‘unique’ and ‘eccentric’ and ‘mavericks’ when they’re different, but women are labeled as ‘odd’ or just plain ‘weird?’ It’s about being unconventional and being true to who you are. Not fitting in often means you’re really standing out. If I can do anything in this time of my career, it’s to make it easier for girls who are growing up not to feel they have to wind up with someone to complete them. You know, I complete me. I’m just lucky that after I completed myself, I met someone who could tolerate me.”

If you are as big of an Oprah fan as I am—(I have been watching since I was 8, have written multiple letters trying to get on the show, and own the exhaustive Oprah Anniversary DVD collection. Moral of story, I heart Oprah.)—then you are also feeling bitter that you weren’t able to force yourself aboard Oprah’s debaucherous 10-day cruise with her 2,000 most valued employees and, err…gal pal…Gayle. Steadman couldn’t make it, AGAIN. No comment. While I was at home sweating in my humid apartment and taking cold showers while imagining that I was in a swimming pool, Oprah’s crew was tearing it up on the open seas. After the jump, the top 5 reasons I really missed out.

The website that allows you to tell dozens, hundreds - or if you are Ashton Kutcher - a million-plus friends what you are doing, how you’re doing and who you’re doing it with continues to catch on like swine flu. But the ease with which you can share and respond to friends is infecting Twitterers with a condition I like to call T.M.T: “Too Much Tweeting” named after T.M.I “Too Much Information.” No one suffers from this worse than naturally narcissistic celebs. Stars keep turning to the site to inform us of everything from their bowel movements to their “dark places.” After the jump, celebrities OVERSHARING. [Spelling/grammatical errors not our own!—Editor]

Most of us insignificant peons have no idea what it’s like to be hounded by the paps. And I on occasion have thought celebs should just suck it up because if no one cares about you, then your celebrity is over. But they can soon mount a counter defense against the paparazzi: Adam Harvey is the genius behind the Anti-Paparazzi Clutch that gives off a bright flash when it detects a flash from a camera. The result is an obscured photo, which for the paps means no check. The clutch will have a limited release in early Spring 2010. Until then, annoyed celebrities will continue to scowl and hide behind a hood or bodyguard. Or they could just render paparazzi photos useless by hiring a photog to follow them, and then give the photos to the tabloids. [Ed Note: SNAP.]

Holy crackers. I saw the first of these photos featuring Bruce Willis and his newish wife Emma in the July issue of W magazine, and I was like, Wahh? They are weird. But, hey! Whatever floats your boat. Of course, they’re shot by Steven Klein, who’s always doing strange things. The header reads: “For years Bruce Willis vowed he’d never marry again. Then the movie star met sizzling Emma Heming, and she changed his mind—and his life.” Apparently! At the imaginary Honeymoon Hotel, Emma dons full fur head-and-body gear to straddle a practically naked Bruce in the kitchen. After that, they do a bunch of other kinky stuff. Mostly, Emma wanders around looking like a young Demi and Bruce sort of lets it happen. I don’t know. It’s all a little disconcerting. In the accompanying profile of the couple, they talk about making out in public, how Bruce went from “F—- love” to “Love is truly the answer,” and hanging out with Ashton Kutcher. Did you know Bruce used to stutter? True story. [W]

Most girls want to be just like their big sisters, right? Well, that can be hard when your big sis is big time. Miley Cyrus’ little sister, Noah, is only nine, but she’s already showing signs of becoming a mini-Miley. Exhibit A: her YouTube series “Noie and Em.” Exhibit B: the fact that she goes by Noie, which sounds an awful lot like Miley. Exhibit C: the other day, Noie was photographed on the red carpet wearing a pink Juicy Couture dress, way too much mascara, and pounding a Red Bull. Supposedly, Noie has her sights set on Disney, like someone we know. “I love my sister Miley,” she said. “When I grow up I want to be just like her.” Right, because Miley is so grown up herself.

After the jump, an ode to the little sisters of Hollywood.

“The Real Housewives of Orange County” star Gretchen Rossi will become a professional gold digger if she takes sugar daddy matchmaking site UpscaleDaddy.com up on its offer to become their celebrity spokeswoman. The site claims it “aims to bring together beautiful women and successful wealthy men for a mutually rewarding relationship.” Sounds like Rossi, who spent most of her first season on the show spending her dying fiance’s money, will be perfect for the position. Kevin Blatt, the man behind the site, who claims credit for turning Paris Hilton’s sex tape into an international phenomenon, says Rossi is the perfect candidate because she “has a thing for older men taking care of her.” If she accepts the job, she’ll get $100,000, a “Condo in Spain valued at $500,000.00 and a brand new $90,000.00 Mercedes.” Not so fast, though, Gretchen. There’s just one catch. First, she has to take a polygraph test to prove that she was “actually in love with Jeff and faithful to him” during the TV show’s taping. Sounds like Gretchen may well be SOL.

If you live under a rock, you might not be aware that “Watchmen” opens this weekend. Based on the comic book series of the same name, the superhero flick is set in the Cold War era of the ‘80s, a Doomsday world in which superheroes are more complex than heroic. Billy Crudup stars as Dr. Jon Osterman, a.k.a. Doctor Manhattan, a computer-generated superhero who glows a digital blue after a radioactive accident. (Check out the trailer here.) So, what’s the big deal? Well, Dr. Manhattan is causing a kerfuffle because he spends part of the movie totally naked. Now, movie critics are left figuring out how to describe the Dr.‘s dangle. A few of the best, after the jump.

Shia LaBeouf. He’s not just some kid caught up in a world war between the Autobots and the Decepticons. He’s also a sensitive music video director who likes to shoot on Super 8. Rumspringa, a Los Angeles-based group that cites influences ranging from Johnny Cash to Grandmaster Flash, is one of the 22-year-old actor’s favorite bands. Last summer, he was at one of their gigs the night he ended up getting into the car accident that wrecked his hand, temporarily endangered his role in the “Transformers” sequel, and resulted in his getting his driver’s license suspended for a year. Perhaps to keep himself out of getting into any more trouble, LaBeouf directed Rumspringa’s latest video: “Mind’s Awake.” Interestingly, the song appeared in another video late last year that focused on the Universal Declaration of Human Rights.

Behold a bloody Ed Westwick in “S. Darko.” If you’re a “Gossip Girl” fan and and a “Donnie Darko” fan, your head might explode at even the thought of watching “S. Darko,” the “Donnie Darko” sequel set for a straight-to-DVD release this April. “S. Darko” focuses on Samantha Darko (Daveigh Chase, “The Ring”), Donnie’s little sister, who takes a road trip to LA to make it big, along with her BFF Corey (Briana Evigan, “Step Up 2 The Streets”). Car problems ensue, a meteor crashes to the earth, and Samantha has dreams that suggest the end of the world is nigh. This time around, though, “Donnie Darko” director Richard Kelly isn’t helming the production: “I have absolutely no involvement with this production, nor will I ever be involved.” As for Westwick, he plays Randy, and you can check out more shots of him pullin’ a James Dean here.

For the March issue of W, Madonna gets all cougar-esque and heads to Rio de Janeiro for some hot and heavy time with boy toy Jesus Luz. Purportedly, Madonna and Jesus (with those names, they’re surely a match made in heaven—or, well, celebrity hell) were or are dating or canoodling or humping or whatever it is famous people do these days. Jesus is a model, and the two are seen cavorting in this bazillion-page layout in the Hotel Gloria in Brazil, where Steven Klein shot their pictures. At the time of the shoot, a Brazilian website opined: “Everyone knows they are ficando—which is a Portuguese expression that means they are kissing and doing other things but without any obligation of being faithful or getting into a relationship afterwards.” So much for A-Rod! Take that, Guy. Madonna is on the prowl. Mothers, lock up your manchildren. After the jump, what went on behind the scenes.

[Orlando Bloom rocks out with his microphone out on the LA nightclub set of “Sympathy for Delicious,” in which he plays a rock star who turns into a faith healer, and in this scene beats up a bandmate in a wheelchair, 2/5/09, Splash News.]

This May will see the release of the latest Star Trek movie, directed by JJ Abrams and starring Chris Pine, Erica Bana, and ... Winona Ryder? Since Star Trek-loving nerds still abound, and what with a whole new generation of Star Trek geeks waiting to happen, a bevy of Star Trek related merch will be hitting store shelves when the movie premieres, in hopes of squeezing as many dollars as possible out of wannabe Trekkies. Star Trek Uno, anyone? Perhaps you’d prefer a Vulcan cookie jar. Or maybe you’d like to buy your man some ... Star Trek cologne? Genki Wear is producing a trio of Star Trek inspired scents: Tiberius, Pon Farr, and Red Shirt. So, if you want your man to smell like Captain Kirk, go into a Vulcan heat, or get down like a red shirt, Star Trek cologne can make it happen. That is, if you’d date a guy who’d wear it. [Huffington Post]

Is “Rock of Love: Charm School” winner Brandi M., a.k.a. Brandi Mahon, dating a pornographer? After scoring $100,000 on the second season of VH1’s “Charm School,” hosted by Sharon Osbourne, Brandi’s porn star past was exposed. Now, it appears the charm school grad may be slipping back into the X-rated business by dating Jason Green, the co-owner of Paradise Visuals, an adult production company based in Las Vegas, where Mahon lives.

Depending on whom you ask, Perez Hilton is either the “Queen of All Media” or the proprietor of “Hollywood’s Most-Hated Website.” Born Mario Armando Lavandeira, Jr., in Miami, Florida, to Cuban parents, the 30-year-old actor-turned-blogger runs the celebrity gossip site that has redefined Hollywood coverage. Whether he’s adding splooging penises to photos of stars’ faces or shoving Lance Bass and Neil Patrick Harris kicking and screaming out the closet, Hilton has neatly positioned himself alongside the infamous to become a virtual celebrity. After the jump, the notorious blogger talks about his new book, how to blog, and who should play him—and his love interest—in his biopic.

In the latest issue of Interview, Lindsay Lohan sits down for a tête-à-tête with 70’s supermodel Lauren Hutton. So says Hutton, “She’s got the bones of a flamingo and the spirit of a gladiator.” From dodging paparazzi to high-speed car chases, Lohan declares being a celebrity ain’t easy: “I just feel as though it’s become a situation where people have manifested this caricature of who I am, and they act as if there’s no real person inside of it.” On the perils of fame, Heath Ledger advised her that it’s all a game: “It’s build you up to knock you down, and that’s all it is. And you just have to see if you can stand through it.” As for her relationship with SamRo, Lindsay doesn’t say much, other than, as a Cancer, “in relationships I’m screwed.” [Interview]

Kristin Davis, a New York madam whose clients included Lov Gov Eliot Spitzer, weighs on what she thinks celebrities would be worth if they were to leave behind their careers as thespians and take up working as call girls. Find out her top ten picks for celebrity escorts after the jump.

The year 2008 AD was another barn-burner for celebrity breakups, hook ups, make-ups and hiccups. Some things were only a matter of time (Hugh Hefner’s harem heads home and George Clooney breaks Sarah Larson’s heart), some were a bit shocking (Christie Brinkley’s husband paid that girl how much to keep quiet?) and some we really should have seen coming a mile away (Oh, David Duchovny’s character on “Californication” is an aspiration, got it), but here we have chosen the top 10 celebrity-related love stories of 2008.