A few years ago ….
Today, in 2012, I avoid him as much as I can. But my friend (?) Richard used to joke (?) that I only called him when I broke up with my boyfriends. Kinda true, kinda false. Regardless — a few years ago — I don’t even call him this time, I just end up at his apartment for some small party.
He scents the pain in me, and suddenly we’re in a back room, alone. One of the reasons he’s so good at this is that he smells vulnerability like a shark smells blood. I don’t remember whether I ask him to hurt me, or he just grabs me. “Something’s close to the surface,” I tell him, while he leaves bite-shaped bruises on my upper arm. He knows me; he doesn’t leave bruises in places I can’t cover with a t-shirt.
“What is it?” he asks, and I choke on it. I’m already starting to cry. We’ve only been doing this for a moment.
“Red,” I say. The safeword. I’m sobbing. “Red.” Richard stops immediately. “Tears,” I say. “Tears were close to the surface.” Keep reading »
If you’ve been hanging out in the ladyblogosphere, you’ve heard of Cat Marnell. Or maybe you know her as “Cat Marnell, ugh.” Cat Marnell was — until last week — the health/beauty editor at xoJane. More pertinently, though, she was an open, unabashed, self-described “pillhead” who frequently wrote about her drug use and abuse online. (As well as some other things.) She had been sent to rehab in April at the insistence of xoJane’s publishers. The New York Post reported on Friday that Marnell left xoJane, seemingly of her own choice, because she would rather pass the summer “on the rooftop of Le Bain looking for shooting stars and smoking angel dust with my friends.”
This morning, NYMag.com published an interview with Marnell with more of the same Cat-ariffic quotes. “I’ve always gone to rehab for the wrong reasons.” “ I’m just a fucking freak show.” “I spent Christmas Eve with Jane [Pratt] and Courtney Love.” ”I had drug bags pasted on the walls [of my apartment] because I collected dope bags.” And she goes into great detail about how she ended up parting ways with xoJane, which has something to do with losing her pills, crashing, her Internet being shut off so she couldn’t write posts, and forgetting her cell phone at the office.
Compelling reading? Cat always is. It’s not exactly a secret that people read her on xoJane for that ZOMG what the fuck did she just say now soundbite, not her questionable health or beauty advice (though her various product recommendations did fly off shelves). But as long as Cat Marnell’s been tearing up my RSS feed — and that of every other blog-reading woman I know — I’ve felt uncomfortable with rubbernecking this drug addict. Keep reading »
I had an abortion when I was 21. It was my senior year of college. I was living in NYC, working nights as an exotic dancer while interning during the day at a grassroots nonprofit for disadvantaged girls. I was cheating on my long distance boyfriend, we were having unprotected sex and I got pregnant. I was lying to everyone about everything. I was a total shit show: three perfect words to describe Cat Marnell, the xoJane editor who caught flack last week for a post she wrote about using Plan B as her primary form of birth control.
When I think back to the young woman I was then, I want to shake her. I want to shame her. I am angry at a woman who should’ve known better- who did know better, I find myself thinking even now — but who chose, instead, to know nothing. I was stupid and reckless and selfish, self absorbed and intent on my ways. The abortion wasn’t the worst of it, only a symptom of a greater sorrow. Simply put, I needed help.
Keep reading »
Occupy Wall Street. Afghanistan. Iraq. Unemployment. Self-absorbed health editors. The cancellation of “Charlie’s Angels.” Everybody is having a lot of feelings right now, about a lot different things. There’s a crapload of feelings juice being jizzed out all over the place. Are you jizzing feelings juice? Are you getting jizzed on? Keep reading »
Sigh … Hold on for a minute, need one more … Sigh. So, I was just over at xoJane.com and stumbled upon an article titled, “Get It Together, Girls! Every Goddamn Pharmacy In New York Is Out Of Plan B! Everyone!” and now I am feeling depressed. Depressed because blogger Cat Marnell wrote about her own woefully irresponsible sex life, in which she does not use condoms, won’t go on the Pill because it’ll make her “fat,” and once used Plan B three times in one month, under the banner of it being a larger trend among women. Keep reading »