Tag Archives: cars

A Superstitious, Non-Mechanically Inclined Person’s Guide To DIY Car Repair

Car Cleaning Monologue
Deep thoughts I've had while cleaning my car. Read More »

My 13-year-old VW Jetta seems to be entering the phase of an automobile’s life where there’s never not something wrong with it. It’s been in and out of the repair shop pretty much constantly over the past few months, and lately it only starts on the first try when it feels like it. I’m determined to drive this car until it literally disintegrates, which means overlooking a lot of minor problems (like the turn signal clicker that got stuck and clicked nonstop for the entire drive from Oregon to Tennessee) and coming up with DIY solutions for potentially major ones. As someone with zero mechanical aptitude and a fondness for anthropomorphism, I approach car repair much like a witch doctor/zoo veterinarian. Here are some of the affirmation rituals, improvised prayers, and erotic dashboard massages that have become staples of my DIY car repair regimen: Keep reading »

Man Who’s Banged More Than 1,000 Cars Is Ready To Settle Down

Man Who's Banged More Than 1,000 Cars Is Ready To Settle Down
He's Ready To Commit To One Car

After losing his virginity 45 years ago, Edward Smith of Yelm, Washington, knew that the way he felt about headlights and bumpers was the way most men felt about “boobs and buns.” Although he never forgot his first — a neighbor’s Volkswagon Beetle — the self-proclaimed mechaphile went on to sleep with thousands more automobiles and one woman (who we can only assume is his long-term neighbor Sarah, who is very happy that he’s found “something that makes him happy”). Keep reading »

Chevy Just Realized Women Buy Trucks, Too

Breaking Up: Driving Sex
Drunk Driving
He tried to have sex while drunk driving... Read More »
Sexist Xmas Ad
Add one more ad to the slew of stereotyping commercials. Read More »
Sexist Beer Marketing
Lady beer expert pens open letter letter to beer enthusiasts. Read More »
chevrolet silverado lady ad
"A ribbon that goes on her wall, not in her hair."

The only people I know who own trucks are women. I know two female truck owners, but that’s not that exciting, because I don’t live a Truck Lifestyle. Perhaps Chevy, makers of the Silverado pick-up truck, have realized that they know a lot of female truck drivers, too, because they’ve created this ad (finally!) focused on selling trucks to women. Keep reading »

TrueCar Thinks A Woman Needs A Man To Buy A Car

Sexist Axe Ad
axe boobs
A headless pair of boobs stars in Axe's new commercial. Read More »
Diddling In The Car
Men, you really need to stop jerking off while you're driving. Read More »
Malia's First Car
malia and sasha obama photo
Barack Obama jokes about what Malia's first car will be. Read More »
TrueCar
Whatever, TrueCar

The idea behind TrueCar.com is to provide people with a benchmark for how much they should be paying for a car so that when they go to a dealership, they can be somewhat knowledgeable when they bargain. I actually think it’s a great idea and I would totally use it if I hadn’t seen their commercial first. The commercial shows only women talking about how they just get so nervous at car dealerships all by themselves without a man by their sides. One woman even exclaims that she can go to the dealership without a “dude” now that she has TrueCar! Would it have been so hard to throw in one man talking about how helpful TrueCar is? Couldn’t the woman have been happy she could go confidently to the dealership without “someone who knows a lot about cars” instead of a “dude”? Keep reading »

Today In Things That Actually Exist: The Steering Wheel Desk

Be My BF: Mobile Office
He built the most epic mobile office. Read More »
Topless Driver
You see, officer, I could not pull over because I was topless. Read More »

Ladies and gentlemen, meet the Wheelmate steering wheel desk. According to the product description, the Wheelmate is “light enough to carry, but sturdy enough to support a notepad, lunch, or even a laptop.” In the very last sentence, the company cautions against using the product while driving (apparently it’s made for parking lot lunch enthusiasts), but it’s hard to imagine that every tech-addicted workaholic will heed that suggestion. Luckily the product has already been skewered by Amazon reviewers with their trademark brand of sarcasm and satire. “Now I can drive my children to soccer practice without having to choose between their safety and my coke habit,” says one. Another appreciates the Wheelmate’s efficiency: “All the things I can get done while driving – a perfect way to use otherwise wasted time!” There are over 900 more (mostly bogus) reviews where that came from. If you have some free time today, I highly recommend scrolling through. But please pull over first. [Amazon]

An Inner Monologue While Cleaning My Car

The Shampoo Monologues
Thoughts from the hair care aisle at Walgreens. Read More »
Cleaning Motivation!
What movies/tv/music do you put on when you clean? Read More »

OK, I’ve put it off long enough. I haven’t seen my floor mats in months and the backseat is starting to look like the Death Star’s garbage compactor. I wouldn’t actually be that surprised if a giant cephalopod was living back there. If I ever gave Luke Skywalker a ride home from Jedi training he would probably kick around the piles of gym clothes and Starbucks cups and then say, “There’s something alive in here.” Damn. Maybe I should watch “Star Wars” instead of cleaning my car. No. Must focus. Keep reading »

The Gene Simmons Car Will Haunt Your Dreams

Butter Carving Art
Needless to say, art is subjective. Read More »
reunion concert junkie
Why I walk like an Egyptian every chance I get. Read More »

If you live in the greater Denver area, have a spare $10,000 lying around, and have always yearned for a car with a tongue, this Gene Simmons VW Beetle might be just the ride for you. It’s still in the process of being restored, but don’t worry–it will be ready in time for the August KISS concert. Look out, ladies! [Neatorama]

Just Buy A Car From Gary Busey, Already

Watch Video

We haven’t heard from national treasure Gary Busey in a while, and that’s because he’s busy selling cars. I mean he’s REALLY SELLING CARS! At Century III Kia in West Mifflin. He’s YELLING ABOUT SELLING CARS! He’s MAKING IMPORTANT DEALS! That’s the Busey way, after all. [YouTube]

The President Reveals What Malia Obama’s First Car Will Be

malia and sasha obama photo

“It’s only a matter of time until Malia gets her learner’s permit so I’m hoping to see one of those models that gets a top speed of 15 miles an hour and the ejector seat any time boys are in the car. So, hopefully you guys have some of those in the pipeline.”

President Obama joked in a speech to the auto industry that 13-year-old Malia Obama will be getting her learner’s permit in a few years, so they’d better get cracking on a daddy-approved vehicle. Hey, lots of parents would like this idea, actually. Hmm, has he stumbled upon a way to save the auto industry? [Essence] Keep reading »

Quickies: Paris Hilton’s $375,000 Birthday Present & Hear The Katy Perry/Kanye West Remix

  • Paris Hilton’s birthday present from boyfriend Cy Waits was a $375,000 yellow Lexus. Um, Cy? Paris only drives pink luxury cars. Everyone knows that. [TMZ]
  • Natalie Portman is having a boy, a source claims. Mazel tov! [Life & Style]
  • Jessica Alba is pregnant with her second child. Her daughter Honor is totally the cutest celebrity kid ever. (Shove it, Suri.) [Radar Online]
  • This montage of vintage douching commercials will have you feeling squeaky clean. [Nerve]

Keep reading »

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