The morning after a recent tryst, I was mortified to find two giant purple hickies on my neck. Even more painful: I limped through the rest of the weekend because we had gotten a little (ahem) enthusiastic in the sack. Determined to avoid more bedroom battle-scars, I turned to science to find out how to get off without getting injured. My tricks, after the jump…

Fingers crossed that the black eyes and swollen face she’s sporting do not indicate cosmetic surgery of some kind. Because we thought she was perfect before. Then again, if it’s not plastic surgery…has some a-hole been beating up on our beloved Target Lady?! [Los Angeles, 6/16/08]