“Grooms get in free!”
That’s the generous offer from Austin Monthly, my local glossy society rag, for its “Couture, Cakes and Cufflinks,” uh, “Bridal Bash.” There’s nothing particularly unusual about this kind of shill party, and that’s what makes it particularly offensive. It’s every disgusting wedding narrative rolled into one day-long event that women are actually expected to pay to attend.
There’s so much to hate about mainstream wedding culture — the consumerism, the gender policing, the fucking consumerism, the body-shaming, did I mention the consumerism? — but perhaps the wedding-related narrative that pisses me off more than any other is the idea that men are incapable of being interested in weddings and must be coddled and babied so that their delicate wedding-hating sensibilities are not offended. Keep reading »
“So, this is awkward,” said the email from my friend, the bride. “But I’ve decided to keep my bridesmaids to just really close friends.”
She had three bridesmaids. I was the third. Apparently, she only had two really close friends, and I was not one of them.
“Wait,” I wrote back. “Why?”
“I don’t really feel like I need to explain myself to you,” she replied.
Oh. Keep reading »
It’s a nice day for a fight wedding. Over the weekend, 28-year-old bride Angela Davito was arrested at her own wedding. Apparently, some uninvited guests showed up at the reception and started dirty dancing with the bride. This pissed off the groom, and a full-out brawl broke out. The police were called and tried to stop the fighting. When they were unsuccessful, they doused the reception in pepper spray. Firefighters came in to treat guests for pepper spray exposure.
Oh, but it got worse. Keep reading »
An Arab ambassador to Dubai hastily tried to divorce his new bride after he lifted the niqab veil covering her face for the first time ever and saw his wifey was cross-eyed and sporting a beard. Aw, poor lady. The pissed-off groom claimed his mother-in-law duped him into the marriage by showing him photographs of the bride’s sister; plus, the few times the groom met his bride in person, she wore the face-covering naqib veil the whole time.
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I feel like I need to issue a preemptive apology to my mother, my boyfriend’s mother and my boyfriend’s grandmother: I won’t be a “fun” bride.
I will probably be more of a wet blanket, really. I won’t get excited about table settings or flower girl dresses. I won’t even care about the cake (much). I’m a little excited about buying a special dress for the Big Day, but honestly, whenever I look at wedding dress prices, I start to hyperventilate. Keep reading »
I’m not even engaged and I frequently have thoughts like, “I have to tone my upper arms so they look skinny in my wedding dress!” How screwed up is that?!?! A blogger who actually is engaged and “sick and tired of seeing ads for ‘wedding weight loss,’” started up a blog where brides of all sizes can contribute wedding pics. We hope it’s a relief for blushing brides-to-be needs who’re sick of all the body-hating noise from shows like “Bulging Brides.” [This Is What A Beautiful Bride Looks Like] Keep reading »
Weddings can get kind of crazy. Sometimes daddy drinks too much and makes an awkward toast, or your great grandmother shows up and misplaces her false teeth while you’re cutting the cake. Other times the bride slaps a cop and spends her wedding night in jail. Wait, what!? I know it sounds crazy, but that is just what happened to a bride in Barcelona. The reception got a little wild and the bride and groom’s families started fighting. When the cops arrived to break it up, the newly wedded woman grabbed a po-po by the neck and smacked him. So much for sex on her wedding night. A jail cell is hardly a honeymoon suite. [NY Daily News] Keep reading »
This is more proof that you buy the dress to fit the bride—you don’t try to fit the bride to the dress. Samantha Clowe, a 34-year-old woman in England, was always overweight, and was determined not to be a “fat bride” at her wedding. So she tried a diet program called LighterLife, which had her eating specially prepared soups, snacks, and shakes everyday for a total of only 530 calories a day for 11 weeks. She did lose a lot of weight. But then her fiancé found her collapsed at the top of the stairs in their house. He called an ambulance, but she was pronounced dead soon after from heart failure. So, so sad. And a cautionary tale. [Daily Mail] Keep reading »
My husband and I are married not because I said, “I do,” but because he said, “I’ll do it.”
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Most of the time, we hear bad things about brides — they’re dressing their friends in unflattering polyester blends, or freaking out over a misplaced zinnia in a bouquet. But get ready for a bride who’s a real American hero. Last night, Georgette Clemons was leaving her wedding reception when she saw smoke coming from a nearby house. She ran in and saved an entire family, which included pulling a woman out from the heavy smoke who didn’t want to leave without her animals. By the time the firefighters arrived, Georgette was outside, folding up her blackened wedding dress. Okay, please tell me someone is starting a comic based around a bride superhero. Her garter belt could become a slingshot and her veil, a parachute! Seriously, we have a best-seller on our hands. [Yahoo!]
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