A couple of years after my fiancé and I broke up, I received a friend request from him on Facebook. I guess it made sense. While I’d decided that being real world friends didn’t quite work for me, I wasn’t exactly hating him either. So when I saw the friend request, I momentarily thought about accepting it. It would be the mature thing to do, right? Wrong. The mature thing to do is whatever moves you forward into a peaceful, calm, and happy existence. And looking at my ex’s new life wouldn’t help with that. So I did not accept.
Some couples are instant and true friends after their breakup. I don’t happen to know any of them, but rumor has it they exist. If those ex-couples want to be Facebook friends, so be it. But the rest of us should defriend, at least for awhile. Here are 6 of the lamest excuses for not unfriending your ex on Facebook.
1. I want to see if he says anything bad about me. Ahh, so you’re conducting your own public relations control campaign by monitoring your ex’s wall. Well, here’s a thought: If your ex is gauche enough to share anything negative about you with all of his Facebook friends, then that reflects badly on only one person: Him. Read more …
We’d like to believe that the best way to break up with a person is to sit down with them face-to-face and have an honest, open discussion about why you feel the relationship should no longer continue. After a calm, mature discussion, you will both come to the amicable conclusion that the relationship isn’t working for either of you. You’ll share a friendly hug, and part ways saying, “I’m so glad we’re still friends.”
Can someone tell me on what planet this actually happens? I’d like to go there. It sounds tranquil and civilized. Keep reading »
In the 2007 remake of “3:10 to Yuma,” Christian Bale’s character loses his leg while fighting in the Civil War. As compensation, the government gives him a sum of money, which he uses to attempt to forge a new life. After he fails miserably, he realizes that the government never actually cared about helping him. They just wanted to erase any obligation they had. He sums up his disillusionment more cynically than anything Batman ever came up with: The government didn’t give him the money so he could walk away. They gave him the money so they could walk away.
Recently, I discovered that the same idea applies to dating. Keep reading »
I dated my first boyfriend for about two years. Our relationship started when I was 15. Over the course of those two years, I saw him for … like five days. Total. We were long-distance. We used to write these very, very dramatic love letters to one another. He couldn’t spell, but he clearly conveyed how much he loved me through a series of poems punctuated entirely by exclamation points. I finally broke up with him because—OK, I can’t remember why. I think I was just really bored. Maybe my writing hand got cramped. Keep reading »
When I use the words “men” and “rebound” in the same sentence, male minds might quickly conjure up thoughts of their favorite NBA teams. Women, however, understand that I am addressing the phenomenon of rushing into a new relationship after the dissolution of an old one. And while men aren’t the only ones guilty of this relationship ricochet, they are, by far, the most-likely to engage in this particular type of reactionary behavior.
So, what causes men to so quickly move from a break-up with you to the arms of another woman? Read more …
After a particularly bad breakup, most of us would admit to some crazy behavior. Of course, crazy is in the eye of the beholder … or the receiver. It may start innocently enough with drunken texts, Facebook stalking or obsessing over your need for closure. Unfortunately, every once and a while, a breakup sends even the most level-headed woman into a tailspin.
According to the DSM-IV (Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders), there are nearly 400 diagnosable mental disorders — none of which have anything to do with the sudden onset of insanity after a breakup. Even doctors can get it wrong sometimes. In 1974, the APA removed homosexuality from the DSM as a mental disorder (thank you!), and they’ve added new disorders to the list since, such as Frotteurism (behaviors involving touching and rubbing against a non-consenting person). While a bad breakup probably won’t induce Frotteurism, it can cause seemingly intelligent, beautiful, educated, wonderful women to lose control. For the DSM-V, which comes out next year, I would like to offer up a new disorder for consideration — Post-Breakup Insanity, or PBI. Keep reading »
“This isn’t working for me anymore,” he says abruptly one night on the phone, and you’re stunned. Everything had been going great. You’d even been thinking about places to go on a summer vacation together, but unfortunately, he had other plans. And you did not see this coming.
Breakups are hard enough when you know things aren’t working out and sense that the end is looming, but they’re even more painful when you’re totally caught by surprise. What relationship was I in? you wonder, since it was obviously so different from the one your boyfriend was in. Questioning whether you were completely out of touch with reality, you search for red flags you may have missed, look for everything you could have done wrong, and long for answers. Keep reading »
Josh and I were together for a year and a half. We had a relationship built upon the stuff the Under Twos so often are: You both like the same book, you both like Christopher Guest, you do the horizontal mambo and it’s not, like, awful, and the next thing you know you’ve met a family and celebrated an anniversary.
You know, of course, that at some point you’ve got to listen to the voice inside your head that runs her mouth about “long-term compatibility.” It’s just that, right now, in this moment, you’re having an awful lot of fun eating pizza in bed with someone else beside you. And, you know, compared to your friend Vicki’s boyfriend, Josh is an absolute GEM. Keep reading »
A while back I was dating a guy that I was really into. In hindsight, the relationship was ridiculous… but I was transported by what seemed like some of the best between-the-sheets I’ve ever had, and I besotted myself into some idea that we had a future. So I was devastated when I was dumped, over email. (Yep, even in middle age, some men still do that.)
I went through the usual shock and awe, aided by piles of tissue and a hive of caring girlfriends. Moving through the stages of grieving, I saw him clearly for the incapable slouch that he was. But what kept nagging at me was how much I was going to miss that naked tango. Read more…
Normally, the onslaught of Valentine’s Day ephemera inspires a mere eyeball roll from me, but this year I find myself sprinting past heart décor window installations back to my apartment, a zone void of pink and red reminders of the guy who decided to end our story — the same week I got laid off my job, which just so happened to also fall on the week before the impending holiday. My job and I had a solid eight-year relationship, until the corporate office decided to “downsize” and I got dumped. The guy and I? We had a good run of late-night laughter, cooking with rare spices (sumac, anyone?) and forging the kind of intimacy that makes you quietly happy, for as long as it lasts. “Longer than Kim (Kardashian) and that Kris guy,” as he put it during our breakup.
Being unattached and unemployed this Valentine’s Day is a constant reminder that I would like to be tethered, well, to something. Whether my final destination is a new gig or a new guy (or both!), getting there is the fun part. Or not so fun part. Here’s my plan of action … Keep reading »