I just got stood up. It’s sad, but true. Worst of all, it was finally the sex date. Double burn. I don’t know why this last dude left me waiting. My guess is he was either called back into spy service by the FBI or mauled by a tiger. Fingers crossed it was the latter. Just kidding. Sort of. But couldn’t he at least have had the balls to dump me, instead of just leaving me hanging? Sigh.

Unfortunately, for some reason, I get stood up a lot. I’m kind of a pro at it by now. It all started back in high school when my date ditched me the night of my senior prom. And a couple years ago, I spent a Valentine’s Day alone on my sofa in a new red dress crying to Ben & Jerry. (Although that did inspire me to make this music mix, “You Can’t F*#& The Hole In My Heart.”) So, as you can see, I’m an expert with what you should do with the night you had saved for a man who doesn’t show up to share it. Here are some options and outcomes in a handy-dandy flowchart. (CLICK HERE to see it on a larger scale.) Notice, I don’t recommend bitching him out. I’m classy like that. And you obvi have better things to do too, girl!

If your relationship made it past perfunctory intercourse, creeping malaise and ill-advised carnal deviance, congratulations—it isn’t doomed. Yet. You’ve still got two more weeks to go. [Buzzfeed]

This weekend, Jon Gosselin took his new girlfriend, 22-year-old Hailey Glassman, on a romantic trip to Europe. (FYI, Glassman is a different twentysomething woman than the one Gosselin cheated on his wife with.) Given the high-profile nature of Gosselin’s marriage, impending divorce, and, um, life, it’s hard to understand why anyone would be happy to be this guy’s, well, rebound. Is it just sex? Is Glassman hoping to get wined and dined with some of Gosselin’s “Jon & Kate Plus 8” dollars? Or, gasp, does she think it could be love?

Dear Gentlemen,

When you know you don’t want to see me anymore, I need you to do me a favor: be an adult and dump me. Don’t text me pretending that you want to reschedule when you flake out on our plans, don’t promise you’ll call me later if you’re not gonna, don’t ask for my number if you have no intention of ever calling me, etc. If I wanted to date someone who mastered the disappearing act, I’d have schtooped a magician. But I didn’t, I dated/boyfriended/made out with/dry humped on the dance floor/flirted with you. Now, I need you to breakup with me.

Nowhere is the difference between men and women so glaring as when it comes down to the demise of a relationship. Specifically, the unexpected, unwanted, one-sided break-up otherwise known as the dumping.

A dumped dude might get angry. Then again, he might just get depressed and mope quietly in his room. He may go to a strip club or pick up a one-night-stand at a bar. What he won’t do is call up all his buddies and poll them about what they think his ex really meant when she quit returning his calls. Nor will he tearfully declare that said ex must have been either too intimidated by his devastating intellect and/or simply too in love with him.

Cary Tennis, Salon’s resident advice columnist, answers a rather ridunculous letter in his column today. A man writes in that when they were married, his first wife always wore her hair short despite years of him asking her to grow it long, and she bit her fingernails, too, a habit he says “annoyed” him. Since divorcing her many moons ago, he’s remarried and has had several more children with his second wife. His first wife remarried, as well, and the children they had together are all grown up and remain close to both parents as well as their younger half-siblings. All sounds good, right? Well, not so much. You see, wife #1 has recently grown out her hair! AND she seems to have stopped biting her nails!

“Hitched or Ditched” is a one-hour reality show in which couples in long-term relationships are challenged by a friend to set a wedding date in a week’s time. The couples not only have to plan their wedding in seven days, but they also have to address whatever issues were keeping them from making the leap into marriage—from fixing relationships with future in-laws to dealing with feelings of jealousy. When the wedding day comes, the couples will have to choose whether to tie the knot or call everything off. So if they decide to get married, then their prize is a free wedding, but if they decide not to get married, then they breakup and have to deal with the ensuing heartache. That sounds a little unfair. But I guess if they know the marriage won’t work, then they’ll be better off in the long run. Will you watch “Hitched or Ditched” when it premieres May 26?

Marilyn Manson misses his ex-wife Dita Von Teese. Um, DUH! It took you two years and one Evan Rachel Wood to realize how good you had it?!  According to Dita:

“He’s been in touch a little. The apologies come, and he was like, ‘I made a big mistake’. And I’m like, ‘Yeah, yeah, I know. Go ahead and say what you need to say to feel better and to sleep at night.’ Right now I’ve got three (men). They’re all in different parts of the world… That’s my biggest sin—juggling men.”

Damn, girl, go on with your bad self! Ironically, Dita’s finally found a way to shock Marilyn Manson and we worship her for it! However, Ms. Von Teese’s ability to move on is all well and good if you’re a striptease superstar, but what about a regular sexy gal?  Have you ever taken an ex back?

Pet custody battles are becoming more and more common. When married pet owners divorce, the animal they shared often finds itself at the center of their split. Monthly support payments, visitation rights, restraining orders, custody battles, and legal fees: Sounds like the usual bitter divorce battle, right? Not so fast. This time Kramer v. Kramer also stars Missy the Chihuahua, Sable the Keeshond, and Barney, a golden retriever-Lab mix. Welcome to the brave new world of animal custody law.

No need to annoy all your girlfriends with that story of what happened between you and that hipster DJ, Sorry-Mom.com is a website that let’s any woman spill her tale of woe and whoa.  Page after page, women pour over their crappy sexual encounters.  Each story comes complete with the dude’s picture (Bonus! Though his eyes are always blacked out, to “protect” privacy) and a blurb. It’s the kind of dirt that’ll make a girl smirk with empathy! With a vicious bent like trash talking a guy’s Johnson, I expect the site to be run by a spurned divorcee ala Tricia “Crazy Eyes” Walsh-Smith of Park Avenue. Bitching about boys and literally hitting them below the belt seems like such a mean girl thing to do. And it begs the question, why isn’t there a version of this site so guys can rant?  I’ve heard some things about ladies that made my jaw drop.  But, would a man ever care enough to write a paragraph that admits to their broken heart, then diss the chick, add a pic and email it in, just for the satisfaction of ranting? Do guys seek emotional revenge….and at the grandiose level of the internet? May be we should all be grateful that so far, the answer is no.

Well if you feel like laughing like you just don’t care, here are our favorite tales from “I Bang The Worst Dudes” after the jump…

“Sean recorded private webcam conversations with his girlfriend and put them on his blog. When she finds out, things go from bad to worse.” I’m not going to spoil “Dumped” by saying too much about it, but suffice to say it’s about a guy who gets dumped, and it has a surprising twist. Thanks to Kasia at Current for sending it.

Not long ago, I had a boyfriend. Now, I’m single. Again. I’d been feeling like my relationship wasn’t working for a while, but that hasn’t made the breakup any easier. I miss my ex, but even more, I miss the idea of us having a future together. At the same time, I’m getting into the idea of being single, and trying to embrace that rather than rushing to find someone to replace him. (There are few people I’ve had my eye on.) I’m reminded of “Single Girl” by Lush. It starts with “Single girl/who would want to be a single girl?” and ends with “I’m so happy I’m a single girl.” In the interest of focusing on the latter rather than the former, here are the top 10 reasons I’m happy to be single.

There’s no doubt that breaking up with anyone is a crappy, painful rite on par with Chinese water torture. You put so much into the relationship, and for whatever reasons, it just doesn’t work out.  You lose your lover, you lose your friend. But, forget about the man in the equation for a second, and think about all the other hours you put into “making it work.” No, not with him—with his family. When you’re in love, you take in everything that comes attached to the boy, and I’m not talking about his penis: you also adopt his cracky sisters, creepy brothers, horny uncles, his divorced parents who bad mouth each other, precocious nephews who finger paint your brand new silk cami at family BBQs—you know, the whole extended family gamut. As if having to deal with your own annoying brood isn’t enough.

Breakin’ up is hard to do, and like any other natural disaster, the aftermath is awful. You just don’t know what to do with your wreckage, but you gotta get back in business. And while Ploomy’s 30 Tips To Help You Get Your Swagger Back is a great post-breakup to-do list for men (they go for new clothes and a haircut too!), we’ve decided to create our own Frisky version for the ladies. While it may take the boys 30 steps, we’re going to try to bring our sexy back in 6 moves.