Kim Kardashian made her post-break up hair appointment and is a blond now. It’s so true! You really gotta wash that man right outta our hair. Lookin’ good, girl! [Los Angeles, 8/11/09]

If anyone ever had a reason not to get back with an ex, I did. He was the quintessential on-and-off Bad Boyfriend and not only were all my friends painfully aware of this fact, when he dumped me on the same day my father died (think Jessica and Tony birthday sitch x 10), then again after a similar life tragedy, it had finally become clear to me as well. I moved on fast. Literally days after he’d hit me with yet another, “I can’t do this anymore,” I somehow managed to enter into a relationship with a man who was easygoing and ridiculously sweet, so I hardly had time to mourn. I wouldn’t normally recommend rebounding as a heartbreak cure-all, but in this case it definitely helped remind me that the ex was Not. For. Me. My work was exciting, glamorous and rewarding. I was in my early-to-mid 20s. I had amazing friends. I lived in New York. Things were kind of perfect. I was so much happier without my ex.

That’s when he began to stalk me.

With Guy Ritchie and Madonna making their divorce plans official, you know that ho (as always) is going to turn to music to get her through it. Since she’s supposedly has A-rod waiting in the wings, her recovery period will probably only last a couple pop songs. Luckily, Madge won’t even have to search for tunes to express how she feels, since she already sings them!  So here is our suggestions for Madonna’s Break Up Playlist featuring songs by Madonna.

“You need so much but not from me/Turn your back in my hour of need/ Something’s wrong but you pretend you don’t see/ I think I interrupt your life/ When you laugh, it cuts me just like a knife/ I’m not your friend, I’m just your little wife.”—”Till Death Do Us Part” from “Like A Prayer”
This song from 1988 (during her marriage to Sean Penn) is all about a wife wishing her husband loved her more. Sigh, unlike the empowering hit on this record, “Express Yourself,”  which encourages a woman with “don’t go for second best, baby!” This song, a mere 2 tracks down, has the woman going back to her blasé husband.  Is there still a future for Madonna and Guy? Or will Madonna follow her own advice and “do much better baby on your own?”

The text message: the worst invention to ever happen to dating. Well, it’s at least a close second to the chastity belt. This technological form of “communication” has already left a trail of tears amongst my gal pals. From late night sex solicitation to crazy guys who use the stilted language as a crutch for their fears, the text message has been taking relationships down a notch. Now it’s bullying poor Jennifer Aniston. Everyone’s watched her ex John Mayer put on a show of his breakup blues. He’s been seen around town covering his puffy eyes with stupid sweaters and scarves.  But what about Jennifer? She’s been keeping the highly publicized romance classy by keeping her mouth shut. But since her friends don’t share her tact, they’re dishing all the dirt, and apparently, she got dumped via text! It all started with a heated argument where John admitted he didn’t share her “first comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby in the baby carriage” plan. After hanging up the phone he texted her, “That’s it—the end.” Say it to her face! What a wuss. Damn you text messages, you let another one slip through our fingers. [Denver Post]

Jennifer Aniston has had many a studly star—Tate Donovan, Brad Pitt, Orlando Bloom, and Vince Vaughn, just to name a few. While every girl gets the breakup blues, we all know you have to get right back up on the horse and ride—and by horse we mean a new Hollywood hottie. So, now that Jennifer and John Mayer are over, we’re wondering who is a girl to do?  We decided to explore her options…

Internet bullying isn’t just for kids anymore, grown-ups are responsible for the growing trend of online torture. A gaggle of scorned ex-girlfriends have set up websites, revised online profiles, sold their stuff on eBay, and posted unflattering accounts of their experiences on the internet in an attempt to wreck their former loved ones love lives.  And how could we forget Tricia Walsh-Smith, who’s posted her third YouTube video slamming her ex, above. Why are all these beautiful women getting so ugly?

Rumor of the Day: Ellen DeGeneres and Portia de Rossi may be headed to Breakupsville. This is a devastating thought for a multitude of reasons.

1) They are kind of the lesbian version of Brad and Angelina. Maybe it’s just us, but Portia is all lush and Botticelli-esque, while Ellen has a really sexy masculinity to her. Our hetero-ness is tested by them.
2) No fair! Ellen wasted all those years with crazy-eyes-killer Anne Heche/Celestia and the world was so pleased when she found someone equally as adoring of her as Portia. She can’t take another breakup.
3) Umm, Portia, Arrested Development was canceled. You don’t have a career. Life isn’t going to get better than being Ellen’s stay-at-home wifey.

UPDATE: It’s not true! Praise Sappho! [DListed]