This past weekend I was telling a friend that I was headed to J.Crew this week to try to on wedding dresses. I know without trying one gown on, with a dress that emotionally loaded, I’ll never find something that makes me go OMFG-this-is-the-ONE. I’m too picky, and even though I’ve been known to spend a ridiculous $500-plus on a cocktail dress, there’s something about dropping thousands on a dress I’ll surely only wear once that makes me cringe. My friend replied, “Oh, I love their dresses but have you seen my boobs? J.Crew dresses just aren’t made for people with bigger chests, so I could never wear their bridal gowns.” And after a split second of thought, I mentally agreed, Yeah, she’s 100 percent dead-on with that. Keep reading »
I spend half of my days feeling kind of like a hooker. There are no patent leather platforms with clear plastic bases in my closet and I’d sooner die than wear a half shirt or hot shorts. My damn chest, however, makes appropriateness rather difficult at times.
You see, my waist is a size 2 or 4, my hips are a size 4, and my chest is a 34DD. Finding a dress (or blouse, or fitted, non-stretch top of any kind) has become borderline impossible. But years of clothing obsession and severe boob-related setbacks when it comes to putting together outfits have left me with what some might call an obsessive and excessive knowledge of how to deal with super large lady lumps. Some rules, after the jump… Keep reading »
I think we can all agree that men like explosions. I think we also can all agree that men like boobs. So, some genius did the math and fused these two things together into this website ExplosionsAndBoobs.com. When you go to the site, a white screen appears along with a picture of an explosion and a pair of (classily covered) boobs. When you reload the page, you get another set. It’s so simple, so stupid, and men love it. This website proves yet again that trying to make sense of men is such a waste of time. Keep reading »
A-cups, rejoice! Pop a piece of Bust Up Gum, which claims to increase bust size, and get the boobs of your dreams! And pigs can fly and Lindsay Lohan is going to get her act together. Sorry, this product sounds like the sort of thing only encountered on the Hogwarts Express. In the minor defense of the makers of Bust Up Gum, the creators at least went through the pretense of making a brilliant scientific discovery. They included fancy schmancy ingredients and all: Maltitol, Lactitol, Hydrogenated Glucose Syrup, and Pueraria. So, I guess this won’t work for you if you are into organic or that natural food business, but whatevs, you can’t have everything. Oh, but a a few notes of caution. The label recommends popping at least six tablets per day and also advises that you should not consume during pregnancy, breastfeeding, menstruation, or if you have been diagnosed with medical conditions of the ovaries, uterus, or breast. Oh, also, consuming in large amounts may cause loose bowels. That might be a problem for some. Keep reading »
Confession: each time I go to the gyno and she shows me how to do a breast self-exam, I stupidly smile and nod my head and she talks and prods my boob, knowing I have no clue what she’s really feeling. I then go home, fondle my own breasts and end up in frustration because (surprise!) they’re lumpy all over! It makes me feel like a bad woman who is not “in touch with her body” to admit that I don’t know what to think of those “normal” lumps. My doctor even once discovered what turned out to be a benign lump, and even then it didn’t feel distinctive. To help solve these problem, there’s now Breastlight, a wand that essentially lets you see what’s going on inside your chest. Take the device into a dark room, apply the lubricant to your breast, and hold Breastlight under your boob to light it up in red hue, highlighting veins and any other abnormalities. It’s not meant to replace mammograms, but at least it will help morons like myself know when something isn’t right. [Uk.breastlight.com] Keep reading »
Throughout the ages women have gone to great pains to get showstopping and eye-dropping cleavage. The corset was rough, stuffed-toilet paper bras were prone to discovery and the push-up bra is just a bit too obvious. According to the peeps from My Beautiful Breasts, however, your cleavage woes are over. This kit ain’t just your average bra-filling and lifting, ladies. We are talking about painting on your boobies, or lack thereof.
We’ve scene this trick before: use makeup to create contours on our bust line the same way we use bronzer to fake sharper cheekbones or those weird airbrushing techniques that create faux six-pack abs. Except, this ain’t just a wish of bronzer we are talking about. Eye shadow and blush come off pretty easy, but the bust stain can stay on for up to five days! And, maybe I am just bitter because I can’t draw a stick figure, but painting-on your boobies sounds pretty complicated and complex. Chances are I would mess it up and have some pretty busted looking buhbies for a week.
I think I’ll just stick to toilet paper, thank you very much. [$69, My Beautiful Breasts Kit, ItCosmetics.com]
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