My older brother is getting married to a girl I legitimately like. I’m happy for them. Really, I am. Keep that in mind as I make the following statement: Their wedding and all the surrounding events make me want to hurl. It’s not so much the constant “So what about you? Is there a boyfriend?” questioning I’ve come to expect from family, our friends and people I’ve not seen since I was maybe two feet tall. It’s the dresses. Cocktail dresses for the busty and hippy are a difficult thing to come by. Usually, it’s a shapeless mess of a tent dress or a slutty problem of a form-fitting one.
You, however, can learn from my years of double-D drama. Use these tips to find a happy medium that you’re not quite literally busting out of. Keep reading »
Boobs and babies don’t mix … their boobs, that is. I’ve seen enough pasties for kids and stripper poles for toddlers to get stabby about anything that sexualizes an impressionable kiddo. So I’m not too keen on the breast cancer awareness tees for little girls that say “Find A Cure! Before I Grow Boobies.” Clever T-shirt, yes. But as the aunt of three pre-school aged girls, I feel weird about anything that could draw a creepy person’s attention to their non-existent “boobies.” (FWIW, I’d balk if my nephew had a tee shirt that said “Testicular Cancer: Find A Cure Before My Balls Drop!” too.) A pink ribbon or something would be just fine to raise awareness, thanks. What do you think: Are these T-shirts kinda icky or are they cute? [Zazzle.com] Keep reading »
As those of us proud owners know, sometimes the boob jiggle factor can be really annoying during strenuous activities. Well, a New Zealand sports bra company, Shock Absorber, is combating jiggle one pair at a time. On their website, they have a very strange bounce-o-meter feature where you type in your cup size, select your activity level, and watch those girls shake. The big selling point? It shows you the jiggle factor of the girls in three states—-naked jiggle, with regular bra, and with a Shock Absorber sports bra. Sold! [Buzzfeed]
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A few weeks ago I turned to my guy and asked, “When you have to pee, can you feel it in your penis?” He raised his eyebrows at me and said, “No, Jess, I feel it in my bladder, like every other human being.” Well, excuse me for not knowing much about male anatomy. Am I right, ladies? Guy’s bodies are a little confusing sometimes—and we can sure as hell think of some things men don’t know about women’s bodies: Keep reading »
This past weekend I was telling a friend that I was headed to J.Crew this week to try to on wedding dresses. I know without trying one gown on, with a dress that emotionally loaded, I’ll never find something that makes me go OMFG-this-is-the-ONE. I’m too picky, and even though I’ve been known to spend a ridiculous $500-plus on a cocktail dress, there’s something about dropping thousands on a dress I’ll surely only wear once that makes me cringe. My friend replied, “Oh, I love their dresses but have you seen my boobs? J.Crew dresses just aren’t made for people with bigger chests, so I could never wear their bridal gowns.” And after a split second of thought, I mentally agreed, Yeah, she’s 100 percent dead-on with that. Keep reading »
I spend half of my days feeling kind of like a hooker. There are no patent leather platforms with clear plastic bases in my closet and I’d sooner die than wear a half shirt or hot shorts. My damn chest, however, makes appropriateness rather difficult at times.
You see, my waist is a size 2 or 4, my hips are a size 4, and my chest is a 34DD. Finding a dress (or blouse, or fitted, non-stretch top of any kind) has become borderline impossible. But years of clothing obsession and severe boob-related setbacks when it comes to putting together outfits have left me with what some might call an obsessive and excessive knowledge of how to deal with super large lady lumps. Some rules, after the jump… Keep reading »