Passing gas is a natural, normal and completely uncontrollable bodily function. So how is it that so many people are arrested in fart-related incidents? Think I’m talking out of my ass? Hardly! Better open a window — here are 10 times the police were called in because someone had the nerve to break wind…
So you’ve finally found The One (or at least The One For The Foreseeable Future) and you’ve committed to a serious relationship. Now what? In our new weekly column, Life After Dating, we’ll discuss the unique joys and challenges of coupledom.
A few weeks after Nick and I started dating, he got his wisdom teeth out (alas, oral surgery is another pitfall of the high school sweetheart relationship). I was secretly really excited about the idea of taking care of my new boyfriend as he recovered, so I put on my cutest “casual caretaker” outfit and headed over to his house to spend the day nursing him back to health. When I got there, Nick was lying on the couch moaning in pain. The painkillers had upset his stomach and, unable to chew solid food, he’d been sipping canned chocolate protein shakes all day. It was pretty clear he was miserable and there was nothing I could do. I sat next to him and stroked his hair, wishing I could do more to make him feel better. And then, very suddenly, he clutched his stomach, whispered, “Oh noooo,” and projectile-vomited chocolate Slim Fast all over me.
As I was cleaning myself up, I did the math. This was technically our third date.
We joke now that reaching the “vomiting on each other” milestone so early in our relationship might have fast-forwarded our level of intimacy and helped us stay together for going on 10 years now. Because the painful, beautiful truth of being in a serious relationship is letting someone else see you exactly as you are, bodily functions and weird insecurities and crappy moods and all. When people talk about relationship “firsts,” they’re usually talking about sweet things like first kisses, first “I love you”‘s, and first dances. I think it’s time to give a shoutout to the not-so-pleasant firsts, the ones that, in their own way, might actually be more meaningful. Here are some examples, culled from my own experiences and red-faced confessions from friends in LTRs…
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The Frisky HQ is under construction for the next couple of days so I was planning on working from home. Then yesterday, my internet crapped out and I found myself running to the local coffee shop in my pajamas. Six hours later, I was still sitting in my pajamas. It was an interesting day. There was a blind date that I eavesdropped on for a while. I thought that would be the subject of this week’s Dating Don’ts. Then the Boston Marathon bombing happened and the mood turned dark. I sat in silence for a while, watching CNN. My roommate was next to me, because she had the day off of work to study for a grad school exam. She eventually interrupted the silence to confess that she’s been watching that new show “Ready For Love.” Someone needed to cut the tension.
I laughed. But she was like, “Don’t laugh! They had this whole bit about how you should never say the word ‘fart’ on a date. It was interesting.” Then we got into an in-depth discussion about bodily functions and dating. Because these are the things that people sometimes talk about when terrible things happen in the world. Keep reading »
Have you ever had a dream that was so gross or bizarre that you woke up and felt embarrassed to have even dreamed it? Don’t worry, it happens to all of us. Just because you dreamed of having sex with your mother doesn’t mean you are destined to gauge your eyes out like Oedipus. After the jump, the meaning behind five really disgusting yet very common dream symbols. Keep reading »
I recently spent the weekend in bed with a terrible stomach bug. At the stroke of midnight on Friday, I began puking my brains out, and what didn’t come up as vomit came out the other end. The next day, I thought the worst of it — the diarrhea — was over, but I was still happy when my boyfriend Nick showed up with supplies to calm my still-upset stomach. We hung out in bed, watching cartoons, while I drank ginger tea and tried to stop passing gas. One particularly gross fart sputtered forth and I sat very still. Keep reading »
It’s time again for “Shortcuts.” For every question, I’ll give my advice in three sentences or less, because sometimes the answer to a person’s question is so obvious and the need to hear it so great, being as clear and frank as possible is simply the best way to go. Today we discuss gross boyfriends, breakup closures, and whether to un-tag photos of exes on Facebook. Keep reading »