We ladies work so hard to heat things up in the bedroom. It’s a damn shame what we’re cooking up when we’re naked, never tastes that good going down—literally. Semen is hardly the fine wine of sexytimes. But Blue Mountain Nutraceuticals in the U.K. is turning the mouth-puckering lemons of love into, well, apples. Supposedly, you just have to convince your man to swallow first—swallow their Hard Apple pills (a completely vegetarian herbal supplement), that is. Sounds like we ladies won’t be the only thing doing his body good. After a week or two on the vitamins, his wad will really be a sweet release. Could these apple tablets that make your man’s load taste fruit-flavored be the new “American Pie”? Probs works better than Jason Biggs’ approach ... but one thing is for sure, we’ll never look at whipped cream on apple pie the same way again. [ITB Innovation]

Most lucky boys get a few hundred bucks and a nice wristwatch for their bar mitzvah presents. But if a Jewish magazine article out of Brandeis University is to be believed, 13-year-old girls are gifting their male Hebrew school classmates with a bar mitzvah blowjob.

In the July 2009 issue of 614 magazine from the Hadassah-Brandeis Institute, Shulamit Reinharz writes:

“...a woman in her seventies began sharing her concern with me about the custom in her granddaughter’s prep school; Jewish girls were giving Jewish boys blowjobs as bar mitzvah presents! Presumably because they’ve already got everything else.”

We have only one thing to say about this: oy gevalt.

Warning: Do not have sex with this bottle. Granted, after a couple tequila shots you can get me to do pretty much anything ... but Caramba Tequila doesn’t want drunk goggles to make us suck the wrong thing. So, head, er, heed their new ad and only enjoy the worm at the bottom, not the container. [WOW Report]

Ever say something at the wrong time? Well, rest assured that nothing you said was as poorly received as when blogger Marcy Wheeler of FireDogLake.com accidentally-on-purpose dropped the word “blowjob” yesterday on MSNBC. “And your idea is that after investigating Bill Clinton for a blowjob for, like, five years, we shouldn’t investigate the huge, grossly illegal things done under the past administration?” she said. As the b-word came out, you can hear the reporters audibly gasp right before Wheeler’s segment is 86’d. Oops. Worse? An uptight co-host then apologized on behalf of Wheeler. Twice!

What I’m wondering is—what the heck should Marcy have said that would have been appropriate for a daytime news show? A hummer? A Lewinsky? A “sexual relation?” A “creative use of a cigar?” Is the term blowjob really all that offensive? More importantly, are we still not over the Bill and Monica sex scandal? [Gawker]

Parents! Lock your teenagers in their rooms! Especially the girls! “Good Morning America” has discovered that blow jobs are the new goodnight kiss! All across the country, teenagers are giving head and having sex parties! It’s not just the Catholic high schoolers (who are having anal sex in order to maintain their chastity) we need to pray for—it’s every single pubescent teen who’s figured out that you can have sex using just your mouth!

Sigh. Yet another morning show segment designed to scare the crap out of parents by declaring a “new” trend that’s taking our nation’s youth on downward spiral towards hell. Teens having oral sex—is it really so new? I was a late bloomer so I didn’t give my first beej until I was 19 (in a stairwell at a bar!), but what about other 20 and 30-something women? Their teenage oral sexploits, after the jump…

From the archives, in honor of “Steak & Blow Job Day,” which falls on, duh, March 14.

Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor; I just play one on the internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily led me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, every Friday, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

You employ your mouth for so many things—eating, gossiping, singing in the shower—but it’s especially useful when it comes to sexy time. Oral sex is an intimate thing that takes skill, but with some technique, your tongue’s talents will certainly get you lots of praise! Here are some tips and tricks on how to please when you go downtown.

Hi, I’m Dr. V.  I’m not a real doctor, I just play one on the Internet. What I am is a lady, a lady who is a fool for love! And I love nothing more than sex. My deepest desires have happily lead me on many adventures in the sack, but they have also, sadly, made me one of my gyno’s most valuable players. But I’ve lived to tell the tale(s)! So, from time to time, I will dish the dirt on everything from getting freaky to getting freaked out. Now, let’s get this party started…

Professional sword swallowing is an ancient art form that allows a performer to gulp down a 15-inch sword like it’s a steak dinner. All I’m asking is to be able to deep throat a penis! So, I sat down with a professional side show performer currently starring at Ripley’s Believe It Or Not in New York City, Albert Cadabra, to learn the magic tricks of the trade, in the hope that they will improve our already stellar BJ skills. WARNING: Do not try sword swallowing at home, unless “sword” is a euphemism for penis. The people that practice this craft are highly trained professionals.  These tips are just for dicks!

This print ad for Imedeen’s skin whitening pill is so awesomely offensive because A) the very nature of skin whitening products is racist, B) making a blow job joke to sell a product is sexist, and C) suggesting she swallows (especially as I am eating a yogurt) is disgusting! It’s a triple threat! Way to go, Imedeen! [Feministing]

Blow jobs are overrated. There. I said it. I know men who would fight a grizzly bear with a spork for a little mouth love. I also know women who guard their oral sexing technique the way a pharmaceutical company protects its most precious patents. But I’m just not a dude who loves blow jobs. I’m an active guy, when it comes to being intimate with a woman, and laying back and letting her go down on me has always felt passive to me. Disconnected. As if I could lean back and read the Economist or slurp a bowl of soup while being, uhhh, serviced. 

This week, The Frisky will be revealing their oh-so-ambitious resolutions for 2009. We encourage you to submit yours in the comments—maybe you’ll inspire others to adapt the same resolutions and at the very least you’ll get some support. Especially for your resolution to eat more donuts this year. That’s something we can all get behind. Amelia will start…

1. Commit to going to yoga three times a week: And at the very least, getting into headstand. Forearm stand, I will tackle you in 2010. Handstand, see you in 2011.
2. Introduce myself to new music: And go to see more bands play live. I used to love doing this, but have stopped going on a regular basis. And I need some Ladyhawke and Little Joy to balance out all the Beyonce and Britney.
3. Curb bad behaviors: My bad behaviors are drinking too much wine and then eating copious amounts of mac ‘n’ cheese while sending regrettable Facebook messages. Must stop this in 2009.

It’s comforting to know that even if I were fired from my job during these tough economic times and couldn’t find a way to make a living, I could still wake up every morning and call myself an artist. This woman does! She performed fellatio on a microphone during a performance art exhibit! It’s rather symphonic—I wonder if she considers herself a musician too? [Via Buzzfeed]

E., my best guy friend in college, believed that women should eliminate giving handjobs from their hook-up repertoire. “They always end up either hurting or not being satisfying at all,” he asserted.  “The bottom line: there’s no way you can do it as well as he can.” It did make perfect sense. Why should I—or any woman, for that matter—attempt to please my guy with something of which he’s perfected the art? That would be like making Italian food for Mario Batali, or giving Spencer Pratt of “The Hills” lessons on how to be a douchebag.

Some women would be thrilled to have a guy who didn’t want head, ever, but not me. I knew one guy was not going to be a match when he gently pushed my mouth away when I moved to go down on him, saying, “That’s okay; I don’t usually come that way anyway.” To me, that was all the more reason to try! But he wasn’t offering up the statement as the start of a conversation; that was it. I didn’t bother expressing my disappointment, just vowed not to go home with him again.

According to a new study, HPV is moving on up…to mouths!  That’s right, just when you thought Gardasil and Cervarix solved all your problems, now you have to worry about what else you’ve been opening wide.  Since the ‘70s. throat cancer cases have doubled, and the research shows HPV is to blame, with 39% of all occurrences caused by the human papilloma virus. Before you go cutting your man off from his favorite foreplay, listen to this: men are 35% more likely than women to develop oral cancer from HPV. Sheesh, making a new man go downtown may be riskier than you both think!  Still, there’s more bad news—as of yet, there is no way to test male genitalia for HPV or anyone’s throat to see if they’re a carrier.  So, it’s a roll of the dice and doctors fear you may even be able to contract the virus from kissing. There goes all the fun! Since this throat cancer link is a new revelation, the cervical cancer vaccines haven’t been tested or proven to prevent it. So, deep throat, you might want to use a condom for oral sex or just give that random stranger a handy and call it a night! [ABC News]

“I hate giving blow jobs, but my boyfriend loves them. How can we compromise?”—Not Into Head, via email

Sssssshhh!!! Are there any boys around you right now?? Did anybody hear you?? I hope for your sake there aren’t, because if that sentiment got around, you might as well have a scarlet letter on your shirt.

Lemme clue you in to something: EVERY MAN LOVES BLOW JOBS. Your boyfriend is not lying. So you know what that means? You+blowjobs=new best friends.

“Is there a secret to being awesome at oral sex? I’m not sure if I’m doing it well, and I’m not about to discuss my technique with my friends.”—Needing Lessons, Santa Fe, NM

The real secret to oral sex that nobody ever talks about is that you have to be into it! You know how passionate you get about buying shoes or watching the latest episode of America’s Next Top Model? Put that same gleeful cheer into fellatio, and you’ll have your guy going through the roof.

With that said, there’s a few “tricks of the trade” (I totally sound like a hooker) that will spice up the average beej. My favorites, after the jump…

When Oprah talked about oral sex on her show, people were aghast at how slutty today’s teens had become. But author Tim Harford would probably disagree. In The Logic of Life, his follow-up to The Undercover Economist, Harford looks at various hidden human behaviors. One of his findings is that teens aren’t more promiscuous now than before, they’ve just shifted from intercourse to oral sex. Read it and weep, O! [Bloomberg]