Some women never leave the house without lipstick. I never leave the house without eyebrows. Many assumed my eyebrows are so sparse because of over-plucking, but in reality they just never grew in. This is it. Some women (like Whoopi Goldberg) simply go without and others (like Miley Cyrus) conceal them. I like to fill them Elizabeth Taylor-style. Eyebrows are not only essential to facial expressions; they enhance every look from natural to bold. Keep reading »
Over the holidays, I finally saw “American Hustle,” starring Bradley Cooper, Christian Bale, Amy Adams, and Jennifer Lawrence. Depending on who you ask, the movie is either THE BEST OF THE YEAR or a complete disaster. Or, if you were to ask me, I would tell you that the movie is okay, but worth seeing for three reasons: 1) the first scene, in which Christian Bale styles his awesomely atrocious combover for, like, three minutes; 2) Jennifer Lawrence’s fairly ridiculous half-Jersey/half-California accent; and 3) Amy Adams’ fucking gorgeous makeup game. Regarding the latter: can we bring dewy makeup back please? It’s so youthful and fresh and who doesn’t want that just got fucked flush? Keep reading »
Sit down, everybody, and let’s talk about that most elusive of all makeup looks, the majestic, seemingly intangible unicorn that is Perfect Skin. One need not be born with — nor consume only omega-3 rich fishes, avocado, and $12 green juices to acquire — perfect skin to appear as if one has perfect skin, do you follow? One need certainly not spackle on layers of HD foundation, either, because that never seems to result in perfect skin but rather “whoa, that’s a lot of makeup” skin. If your skincare routine isn’t quite up to snuff, and your diet includes more Keebler elf cookies than kale, that’s your life, your choice, bro, and it shouldn’t stand in the way of you looking like the portrait of glowing health. Isn’t makeup the best?
I had the kind of no-makeup-necessary perfect skin that strangers commented on my entire life, including the quintessential 12-15 greasy years, and then suddenly, randomly, INFURIATINGLY started developing skin probz (acne, clogged pores, oiliness, scarring, redness, whatever), like, five whole years after I foolishly assumed I would be in the clear for life. I’ve always been fairly (lol) vain, and my skin had never been something I had to worry about, but when it did become a concern, I learned pretty quickly how to fake the same flawless skin I used to wake up with. I mean, is it as good as the real thing? No, definitely not, but it’s still pretty damn good. Keep reading »
It’s rare that Amanda Seyfried — she of the rapturously ethereal angel/alien features, porcelain complexion, and long, thick, never-dyed flaxen hair — ever misses the mark on a beauty look. (I mean, don’t you think it would take some serious, bad-intentioned effort for a makeup artist to fuck up a face like that?) Time and time again, Amanda has sported the kind of makeup that makes us go, “That. On my face. Now.” This look from the Hollywood premiere of her new film, “Lovelace”? I would sell my soul. And yeah, I’m putting that in writing. (That said, I sincerely doubt that the price on my soul would be very high, but the principle stands.) The good news for me and my (affordable!!!!) soul is that, despite looking like a million, trillion bucks, this shimmery eye makeup is shockingly, almost LAUGHABLY, easy to achieve. Let’s get a closer look, and then I’ll break it down… Keep reading »
I love wearing all of the makeup, all at once, but as with all things, there exists a time and a place for this sort of excess, and that Time and Place is not late June and not in New York City. Humidity has been the word for the past few weeks, which means that regardless of how much primer you coat yourself in before you put your face on, or powder you layer on after, what’s flawless at 10 AM is going to be a shitshow by the afternoon. Read: YOUR FACE DOES NOT STAND A CHANCE. Since there’s only soooooo much one can do in the face of blistering heat, why not forego the mattifying makeup, and the bold lip, and hell, maybe even leave the under eye concealer at home. Do it, I dare you! Shed that makeup mask and go minimalist — let’s begin with these three simple summer beauty tips… Keep reading »
Under-eye circles! They’re an ever-hot topic amongst ladiez, and it’s no wonder why — everybody has them, but pretty much nobody knows how to deal with them. There are a million so-called “remedies,” like eating less salt, drinking more water, drinking less alcohol, and getting more sleep, but why even try to change your lifestyle when you can just cover those bitches up like a pro? Or maybe you do all those things already, and your dark circles still won’t budge. Whatever the case, THERE IS A WAY OUT. Keep reading »
The cusp of summer is a good time to start talking about how to control oily skin. I mean, I talk about oily skin constantly, because I have it, so I am almost always complaining about it because such is my nature. But everyone gets a little bit greasy come summer, running around in the heat and wearing sunscreen and all (you are wearing sunscreen, right?), and while I can’t help you keep your face completely dry and sweat-proof constantly (impossible, bro, let me tell you), I may just be able to help you keep your face looking presentable! What more can you ask for when it’s 8 million degrees and it’s all you can do just to keep your goddamn clothes on? That’s what I thought. Keep reading »
For me, warm weather months are high time to turn to lipstick as an all-encompassing beauty look. Or maybe I should just go ahead and say that my desire to apply primer and foundation and concealer and blush and bronzer and eyeliner and eyeshadow and mascara blahblahblahblahfhdfghjkfdk wanes into nothingness and I’m like, “What is the absolute minimum I can do to distract people from all of the other things that may or may not be going on on my face?” The answer is almost always a bold, yes, you’ve got this, distracting lip (and when it isn’t, it’s just staying within the confines of my home, protected from the eyes of Others).
But it’s not the decision to wear the lipstick that’s the problem (nope, that’s a no-brainer) — it is the continual wearing of the lipstick, and the attempt to keep the lipstick not just on the face but looking, if not quite freshly-applied (probably not gonna happen, sorry for the misleading title, perjury, whatever), acceptable. There are so many things that can go wrong over the course of a day: feathering, smearing, smudging, dryness, whatever you call it when there’s, like, pieces showing. These things don’t just look bad (and gross, ugh, those pieces are so gross), they’re also straight up annoying. In my bold lipstick-wearing (and chapped lips-having) tenure, I’ve picked up a few tips and tricks, if not outright solutions, along the way. Keep reading »
For the majority of my life, I was The Girl With The Grubby Nails. Nothing was more satisfying than sitting on my bed, lost in a book, gnawing in a distracted fashion on my tiny nail stubs. Save an ill-advised love affair with acrylic French tips in high school, my nails were largely ignored, left to languish while I concentrated my efforts on mastering liquid eyeliner and figuring out a flatiron.
Enter the $10 manicure, the ultimate lifesaver. For the price of two magazines, three street tacos, an iced tea and a big cookie, my nail game was on point, effectively transitioning me from Not Grown to Almost There. However, my lifestyle often belied my appearance, and I’d ruin manicures regularly, digging in my bag for keys, rustling around for chapstick, and once, just by walking up a flight of stairs. My $10 mani obsession had reached its peak, and it was a waste of money. After hours of internet research, I perfected an at-home mani situation that is fun, and dare I say, relaxing. Let me show you the way. Keep reading »
Skin woes: I am intimately familiar with them. I enjoyed the first two decades of my life with a face as smooth, pale, and unblemished as an egg shell. I fielded endless compliments about the condition and clarity of my perfect skin, as well as many an elderly person croaking in my general direction that I “SHOULD NEVER GO OUT IN THE SUN.” And when old people tell you things, you listen. Then, about a year ago, everything changed. (I would appreciate if somebody could please hold my hand while I talk about this.) While in the past I hadn’t weathered much more than a whitehead or two every so often, I started developing swollen, excruciatingly painful cystic acnes (not a scientific term) that would never come out from underneath my skin. They would just linger there, taunting me, until I hauled ass to the dermatologist and got them injected with cortisone for the small price of an insurance copay.
The story does not end here. I guess my previously perfect skin had just had it with me, or the fact that all I ever seemed to be doing was eating Chinese food and chain-smoking (ugh, I know, I was sick of me too), because it hasn’t been the same since, even despite my having made some significant Lifestyle Changes. I definitely don’t get as many terrible cysts as I used to, praise god, but my face is full of texture and other stuff that I don’t like. Because my number one priority is always, without fail, presenting what I like to refer to as “a united front,” I got really, really good at concealer instead of sitting around looking in the mirror and crying about it. Just kidding, I sat in front of the mirror and cried about it first, then I got really good at concealer. Keep reading »