Oh darling Matthew Falkner of Palm City, Florida (always, always Florida), you and I are soulmates. After all, you were arrested in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, after employees there noticed you were idling your car in the lot and pressing heavily on the accelerator, with smoke coming out of the engine. Police asked for your identification, and instead you reached in your bag and pulled out a taco. I really love tacos, so I’d actually welcome a taco or five from you, my friend. Oh sure, your blood alcohol level was .22 when you were arrested — three times over the legal limit — but that just means you’d benefit from someone to share your happy hour margaritas with, right?
Apparently your car was on fire at the time of the incident, too. Perhaps you were looking to reheat your Burrito Supreme? [Foodbeast]
Dear Russian Bear Patrol Officer Vladilen Kavriy Who Sings Lullabies To Polar Bears,
First of all, can we talk about how rad it is that your job title is “Bear Patrol Officer”? Does it say that on your business cards? Do you have anyone to give business cards to in places where polar bears live? Anyway, I thought being a blogger was cool, but your job sounds way better.
Second of all, I think I’m in love with you. Keep reading »
Dear Shark Man,
Is it OK if I call you that? I don’t know your name. But I wish I did. I have seen a lot of things on the NYC subway — a man in a horse costume, a woman who plays “The Chicken Dance” on a recorder, a man who panhandles with a live snake in a hemp sack (he’s raising money to become a professional snake handler) — but never have I seen something quite this outrageous. According to these incriminating photos and an anonymous tipster, you were spotted on the J train around 1 a.m. with a live baby shark in a cooler. And this wasn’t some kind of risqué performance art. No. You, Shark Man, were trying to sell the shark for $100, claiming that it had bitten you in the ass at Coney Island. How dare it! I hope your ass is OK, by the way. Keep reading »
Dear Lawrence Edmonds,
From one person who can’t resist a dare to another, I bow down to you for taking this one on. Licking 62 Anglican Cathedrals in the UK in 13 months and taking photographic evidence of it just to avoid having to perform an act of public streaking? That’s really something. The best I’ve ever done was lick the bottom of someone’s shoe on a dare. This was before I became semi-germaphobic. Oh, and one time I climbed a tree in a cocktail dress. I have a picture of it. I can show you if we meet. Keep reading »
Dear Guy Who Sings “Kiss From A Rose” To His Cat,
Not all of us can hit a high note. Hell, not all of us can hit any notes. But that hasn’t stopped you from expressing your love in the best way you know how: by serenading your cat with Seal’s masterpiece, “Kiss From A Rose.” Some people might watch you and think, Wow, this man is really into his cat. I watch you and think, Here’s a man who really knows how to spoon. Okay, maybe you were trying to cuddle kind of aggressively and a musical serenade is somewhat less romantic when it’s happening under physical duress. Cats are finicky, though. Yours clearly didn’t appreciate the sweetness of your gesture.
I would appreciate it, Guy Who Sings “Kiss From A Rose” to his cat. Call me! [The FW]
It’s not often that I’m impressed by a man’s physical abilities. But Guy Who Farted So Loud Your Neighbor Pulled A Gun On You, you, my friend, have some major fart skills, and maybe the key to my heart. One, I love a man who’s confident enough in his bodily functions to let one rip whenever he feels like it. And two, I’m impressed that you used your farts as a weapon against apartment building neighbor Daniel Collins, with whom you’ve had a longstanding feud over noise. Your loud emissions so incensed Collins that he pulled out a shotgun and threatened to shoot you dead for the offending flatulence.
No matter, Collins was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, unlawful possession of a firearm and making terroristic threats, so it seems that you, me and your farts will be safe for now. [NY Daily News]
Dear Jason Slater,
May I start off by saying that one of the most attractive qualities a potential boyfriend can have is a sense of playfulness. And you, my friend, have that. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that you are 28 years old and live in a pillow fort in your mom’s closet. Pillow forts are the most fun. And while I haven’t built one since I was nine, maybe 10, I am totally open to the idea of getting back into that. I think the authorities were wrong to arrest you for calling 9-1-1, saying you were the president of the United States and demand to speak to Tim Tebow. You don’t really think you’re the president or want to speak to Tim Tebow. I get what you were trying to do, Jason. You were making a prank call — one of my favorite things to do too! Well, it was when I was in middle school. Remind me to tell you about the time I crank called QVC and actually got on the air. It was such a rush! Anyhow, even though it’s not the best idea to prank call 9-1-1, I like your style. I can tell you are a true kid at heart. Wanna get together and build pillow forts and make prank calls? I think that would be radical. Check yes, no or maybe.
Peace Out Dude,
[943 The Point]
Dear Devil Impersonator,
They have not revealed your identity, but aren’t you quite the little shit starter. I wonder what gave you the idea to put on a devil costume and try to crash a confirmation service at a church in northern Africa. Granted, you were arrested before you made it into the church and charged with disturbing the peace, but your idea was creative, albeit offensive. I like to give my potential suitors the benefit of the doubt. So, I am choosing to believe that you are just a man in need a more appropriate outlet for your creative rebellion. I have a proposal for you, Devil Boy: Come to our country, dress up as a vagina and rattle those Michigan House Republicans who think speaking the word on the floor is as offensive as entering a church dressed as the devil.
I look forward to hearing back from you.
You had me at, “I don’t take no orders from no woman.”
Meet Ihor Stetkewycz, the man of my dreams — a tree removal guy who pissed off Detroit-area residents when he dumped a pile of tree stumps on their street and sped off. But that’s not why we’re in love. Ihor is my boyfriend because of the deft way he handled his ABC News on-air interview, where he told the female reporter that “I don’t take no orders from no woman.” He then followed it up by stating several times that the neighbor that complained about his misdeed “must have been a woman and I don’t listen to no woman, I just tell ‘em to shut up.” Obviously, he’s kind of a prince among men. [Buzzfeed]
Insert your favorite pussy joke here: A guy in — where else? — Florida, was arrested after he tried to take his kitten into a strip club and was denied entry. Everett Lages was arrested after he repeatedly called 911 after being told he had to leave the premises. Lages apparently expected that the cops would do something, but instead, they charged him with misuse of the 911 system, disorderly intoxication, trespassing after warning and resisting arrest without violence.
Can’t a man bring his kitten into a strip club? Too much competition for the strippers? [Charlotte County Sheriff's Office]