Josh Androsky is a skateboarding rabbi who decided to take some mushrooms and get a little bit wasted before attending a taping of long-running game show “The Price is Right.” Miraculously, Josh was plucked out of the audience and chosen as a contestant, despite the fact that, in his words, he “lied to Drew Carey’s melting face.” Weirdly, Josh seems like the least effed up of all the “Price Is Right” contestants. [YouTube]
Dear Drunk Tourist,
You sauntered up to the Rome airport’s international terminal with a backpack and a can of beer, ready to check in for your flight. When no one showed up to help you (God, customer service these days!), you jumped over the counter and snuggled up on the baggage belt for a quick nap. This would have been a totally reasonable plan, except that baggage belt started moving, taking you deep into the secure mazes of conveyor belts within the airport while you snoozed contentedly. Who knows how far you would have gone or which corner of the world you would have been shipped to if security guards hadn’t spotted you on their x-ray monitors and plucked you out of your drunk suitcase dreams.
Listen dude, I’m not sure if it’s your laissez-faire attitude or the fact that the x-ray scan of you looks like an ultrasound photo of an adult man-baby, but I’m intrigued. What do you say next time you let me buy you a beer and we take a nap together?
I saw this Craigslist ad looking for a falconer to bring “an aggressive flying killing machine” to a 30th birthday posted on Facebook. I’m not sure if it’s for a party held by my old colleague who posted it on Facebook, or someone else, but it doesn’t matter: I want this Craigslist author to be my boyfriend. You know why? He knows what he wants. He wants someone with a “badass bird of prey, a “cool leather bird glove” and a “tiny bird helmet that the bird wears.” So few people know what they want in the world but this man is decisive.
And also, he will “understand if you weren’t comfortable letting a stranger hold an aggressive flying killing machine in my apartment.” But he hopes you are. This means he is flexible. That is also a quality we see too little of these days.
This sounds like it is going to be a bitchin’ party. I hope all his 30th birthday dreams come true. Find me, Falcon Boy. Seek me out! I’ll bring the dead mice. [Craigslist]
Oh darling Matthew Falkner of Palm City, Florida (always, always Florida), you and I are soulmates. After all, you were arrested in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, after employees there noticed you were idling your car in the lot and pressing heavily on the accelerator, with smoke coming out of the engine. Police asked for your identification, and instead you reached in your bag and pulled out a taco. I really love tacos, so I’d actually welcome a taco or five from you, my friend. Oh sure, your blood alcohol level was .22 when you were arrested — three times over the legal limit — but that just means you’d benefit from someone to share your happy hour margaritas with, right?
Apparently your car was on fire at the time of the incident, too. Perhaps you were looking to reheat your Burrito Supreme? [Foodbeast]
Dear Russian Bear Patrol Officer Vladilen Kavriy Who Sings Lullabies To Polar Bears,
First of all, can we talk about how rad it is that your job title is “Bear Patrol Officer”? Does it say that on your business cards? Do you have anyone to give business cards to in places where polar bears live? Anyway, I thought being a blogger was cool, but your job sounds way better.
Second of all, I think I’m in love with you. Keep reading »
Dear Shark Man,
Is it OK if I call you that? I don’t know your name. But I wish I did. I have seen a lot of things on the NYC subway — a man in a horse costume, a woman who plays “The Chicken Dance” on a recorder, a man who panhandles with a live snake in a hemp sack (he’s raising money to become a professional snake handler) — but never have I seen something quite this outrageous. According to these incriminating photos and an anonymous tipster, you were spotted on the J train around 1 a.m. with a live baby shark in a cooler. And this wasn’t some kind of risqué performance art. No. You, Shark Man, were trying to sell the shark for $100, claiming that it had bitten you in the ass at Coney Island. How dare it! I hope your ass is OK, by the way. Keep reading »
Dear Lawrence Edmonds,
From one person who can’t resist a dare to another, I bow down to you for taking this one on. Licking 62 Anglican Cathedrals in the UK in 13 months and taking photographic evidence of it just to avoid having to perform an act of public streaking? That’s really something. The best I’ve ever done was lick the bottom of someone’s shoe on a dare. This was before I became semi-germaphobic. Oh, and one time I climbed a tree in a cocktail dress. I have a picture of it. I can show you if we meet. Keep reading »
Dear Guy Who Sings “Kiss From A Rose” To His Cat,
Not all of us can hit a high note. Hell, not all of us can hit any notes. But that hasn’t stopped you from expressing your love in the best way you know how: by serenading your cat with Seal’s masterpiece, “Kiss From A Rose.” Some people might watch you and think, Wow, this man is really into his cat. I watch you and think, Here’s a man who really knows how to spoon. Okay, maybe you were trying to cuddle kind of aggressively and a musical serenade is somewhat less romantic when it’s happening under physical duress. Cats are finicky, though. Yours clearly didn’t appreciate the sweetness of your gesture.
I would appreciate it, Guy Who Sings “Kiss From A Rose” to his cat. Call me! [The FW]
It’s not often that I’m impressed by a man’s physical abilities. But Guy Who Farted So Loud Your Neighbor Pulled A Gun On You, you, my friend, have some major fart skills, and maybe the key to my heart. One, I love a man who’s confident enough in his bodily functions to let one rip whenever he feels like it. And two, I’m impressed that you used your farts as a weapon against apartment building neighbor Daniel Collins, with whom you’ve had a longstanding feud over noise. Your loud emissions so incensed Collins that he pulled out a shotgun and threatened to shoot you dead for the offending flatulence.
No matter, Collins was arrested and charged with aggravated assault, unlawful possession of a firearm and making terroristic threats, so it seems that you, me and your farts will be safe for now. [NY Daily News]
Dear Jason Slater,
May I start off by saying that one of the most attractive qualities a potential boyfriend can have is a sense of playfulness. And you, my friend, have that. I see absolutely nothing wrong with the fact that you are 28 years old and live in a pillow fort in your mom’s closet. Pillow forts are the most fun. And while I haven’t built one since I was nine, maybe 10, I am totally open to the idea of getting back into that. I think the authorities were wrong to arrest you for calling 9-1-1, saying you were the president of the United States and demand to speak to Tim Tebow. You don’t really think you’re the president or want to speak to Tim Tebow. I get what you were trying to do, Jason. You were making a prank call — one of my favorite things to do too! Well, it was when I was in middle school. Remind me to tell you about the time I crank called QVC and actually got on the air. It was such a rush! Anyhow, even though it’s not the best idea to prank call 9-1-1, I like your style. I can tell you are a true kid at heart. Wanna get together and build pillow forts and make prank calls? I think that would be radical. Check yes, no or maybe.
Peace Out Dude,
[943 The Point]