Dear Kenneth Guillespie,
I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it seems like you’ve finally hit “bottom” as they say. You were found half-naked, screaming in agony after attempting to have sex with a snowman. Kenneth, let’s be real here — you almost lost your dick. If you put your penis in a snowman, you’re going to get frostbite. That’s how it works. But I’m sure you weren’t thinking clearly. Because you were wasted. (The neighbors found a pile of empties near the snowman carnage.) Keep reading »
Dear Gregory Matthew Bruni,
You sound like quite an impressive criminal — even for Florida, which is full of impressive criminals. It seems this past Monday you were bored after dinner/high on bath salts so you decided to strip down to your b-day suit and jump on over to your neighbor’s roof. Except, whoops! That dude was home, and none to pleased to have a naked stranger doing a jig on his house.
Keep reading »
Dear Amazing Outsourcer,
Most of us are guilty of loafing off on the job a couple times a day. But you, Anonymous Job Outsourcer, decided to game the system by not doing your job all together. Instead, you outsourced your tech job to a man in China, who duly toiled away while you spent the day on Reddit, checking Facebook and watching various and sundry cat videos.
You would have gotten away with it, too, had your company not noticed that someone in China was logging into the system with your VPN. Verizon was brought in to explore the mess, and after an extensive investigation, revealed that you had outsourced your entire job to China. And the best part, according to the Verizon enquiry: You “spent less than one-fifth” of your six-figure salary for the Chinese firm to do your job for you. Keep reading »
Dear Jason Earl Dean,
I understand that this week a judge sentenced you to four years in prison for handcuffing yourself to a woman who wouldn’t go out with you. Apparently, her Taco Bell coworkers heard her screaming, and rushed outside to find you cuffed to this woman. When they approached, you let her go. According to reports, you’d been asking her out for like, a month, so I’m sure it seemed like a perfectly logical thing to do at the time — because life is a Dane Cook rom-com. Keep reading »
I realize that at 10, you’re a bit too young to actually be my boyfriend. However, I’d just like to give you a shout out, as a fellow cat lover and feline fanatic. In 2009, when you were just seven years old, you donated your entire year’s worth of allowance to help save animals at City Kitties in Philadelphia, and have done so every year since. I understand you’ve now got three cats, and are well on your way to being a bonafide crazy cat person, and I, for one, couldn’t be more thrilled. Keep reading »