I don’t know your name, but I commend you for your effort to be the best airplane seat mate ever. Sure, you took it a bit too far. But the intention was there and that’s what counts. As many of us have experienced, getting trapped on a long flight next to a person who is farting/snoring/talking non-stop is unbearable. More than unbearable, it’s a goddamn nightmare.
When you found yourself sitting next to a hot woman on a five-hour flight through China, you made it your mission to remain seated the entire time so as not to disturb her. And when I say disturb her, I mean that you didn’t want to offend her with your pot belly. In order to do this, you declined to drink any of the complimentary beverages so you wouldn’t have to get up to use the men’s room. You remained seated with your seatbelt securely fastening around your safely hidden paunch for the entire flight, barely moving at all. I’m sure the woman was thrilled to have you as a seat mate. Truly. Keep reading »
Dear Bernard Anderson Bey,
As a 32-year-old homeless man, I think you’ve sensed that it’s time to take stock of your life, take responsibility for your actions and get your shit together. That’s good! You took initiative. You came up with a plan — albeit a misguided one — to turn things around for yourself. In a lawsuit you filed from a laptop at the Brooklyn homeless shelter where you are currently staying, you sued your parents, demanding that they mortgage their share in the home part-owned by your father so your family can “break the bonds of poverty” by buying two Domino’s Pizza franchises. The $200,000 lawsuit blames your parents for leaving you homeless because they allegedly raised you and your siblings in poverty and didn’t love you enough. As a backup plan, you’ve enrolled in automotive trade school (which I think may be your best bet.) Keep reading »
I heard you’re a Beatles fan, which is great. I mean, I guess that takes care of that difficult “are you a Beatles or a Rolling Stones fan” discussion. In fact, you might be the biggest Beatles fan, owing to your obsessive collecting and cataloging of their records. Specifically The White Album. It seems you’ve got — how many now? — 693 copies of the iconic record, and plan to keep on collecting. Keep reading »
Dear Johnnie Blade,
First of all, your parents clearly knew you were destined for greatness, because they gave you a name that could only befit a future porn star or Klingon sword enthusiast. I have no idea about your adult film industry experience, but you were recently arrested for “wildly swinging” a four-foot long sword in a Fort Lauderdale intersection. In your defense, you were actually observed “proudly displaying” your crescent-shaped weapon — a bat’leth, technically — and who could blame you? Klingons are the most fiercely honorable alien species in the “Star Trek” cannon, and their weaponry is incredibly impressive. (Props, by the way, to the person who correctly identified your sword as being Klingon.) jIyajchu’. [That means "I understand fully" in Klingon.] If I were lucky enough to own such a fine blade, I would want to show it off to passing motorists as well. As soon as this misunderstanding is cleared up and the police let you go, we should meet up for a couple glasses of prune juice. Hoch DIl! [I'll pay.]
yIghoSDo’ — and qamuSHa’ [Good luck and I love you],
Remember that dream you had in middle school to have the coolest boyfriend ever? Well guess what? These guys are all up for grabs. So girls, don’t fight (it’s not attractive!), there are enough Be My Boyfriends to go around. Keep reading »
Dear Brett Eric Drachenburg aka “The Sun,”
If were sitting in the same room right now, I would be giving you a slow clap. From a safe distance, of course. At least 93 million miles. When you were caught stealing a towel from a Florida home, you told the cops that you were simply trying to disguise yourself as “‘The Sun’ with intent to obstruct the due execution of the law.” Initially, authorities were confused by your explanation and thought you might be referring to The Sun Sentinel newspaper, but when the deputy asked you for your name, you replied, “The Sun.”
The Sun, l know why you stole that towel. You were trying to hide your fire from the world. Trying to protect the world from your heat. Don’t do it, The Sun. Never let anyone dull your shine, baby. Take that towel off your face and let the world have it.