Dear Johnnie Blade,
First of all, your parents clearly knew you were destined for greatness, because they gave you a name that could only befit a future porn star or Klingon sword enthusiast. I have no idea about your adult film industry experience, but you were recently arrested for “wildly swinging” a four-foot long sword in a Fort Lauderdale intersection. In your defense, you were actually observed “proudly displaying” your crescent-shaped weapon — a bat’leth, technically — and who could blame you? Klingons are the most fiercely honorable alien species in the “Star Trek” cannon, and their weaponry is incredibly impressive. (Props, by the way, to the person who correctly identified your sword as being Klingon.) jIyajchu’. [That means "I understand fully" in Klingon.] If I were lucky enough to own such a fine blade, I would want to show it off to passing motorists as well. As soon as this misunderstanding is cleared up and the police let you go, we should meet up for a couple glasses of prune juice. Hoch DIl! [I'll pay.]
yIghoSDo’ — and qamuSHa’ [Good luck and I love you],
Remember that dream you had in middle school to have the coolest boyfriend ever? Well guess what? These guys are all up for grabs. So girls, don’t fight (it’s not attractive!), there are enough Be My Boyfriends to go around. Keep reading »
Dear Brett Eric Drachenburg aka “The Sun,”
If were sitting in the same room right now, I would be giving you a slow clap. From a safe distance, of course. At least 93 million miles. When you were caught stealing a towel from a Florida home, you told the cops that you were simply trying to disguise yourself as “‘The Sun’ with intent to obstruct the due execution of the law.” Initially, authorities were confused by your explanation and thought you might be referring to The Sun Sentinel newspaper, but when the deputy asked you for your name, you replied, “The Sun.”
The Sun, l know why you stole that towel. You were trying to hide your fire from the world. Trying to protect the world from your heat. Don’t do it, The Sun. Never let anyone dull your shine, baby. Take that towel off your face and let the world have it.
Dear Timothy Carr,
A lot of people drive drunk, but it takes a special kind of man (usually from Florida) to drive drunk inside. According to a report from Brooksville, Florida, you helped yourself to a cold one while inside a mega Walmart and were then caught driving your motorized cart erratically.
“The defendant did enter Walmart and select two packages of Daily Daiquiri and proceed to drink them in the store,” said the official police report. “The defendant was driving a Walmart owned electric cart. While driving the cart, the defendant knocked several items off the shelves causing damage to the items.”
Daiquiris? Well, you’re clearly rather cavalier when it comes to calorie counting.
Dear Vladimir Franz,
They say that beauty is only skin deep, and it’s pretty clear that you took that literally. As the first fully-tattooed presidential candidate of the Czech Republic (and like, probably anywhere?), you’re blazing a trail for ink-stained politicians everywhere. Keep reading »
Dear Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson,
You guys obviously like chicken. And I like guys who like chicken. So let’s have a menage a poulet. At least, I’m guessing you like chicken, based on the fact that you stole $65,000 worth of chicken from a Tyson plant in Doraville, Georgia. Got plans for the biggest barbecue ever? Keep reading »