Tag Archives: be my boyfriend

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Would Rather Die Than Offend His Hot Airplane Seat Mate

Be My BF: Klingon Sword
Johnnie Blade wielded a Klingon sword. Read More »
Worst Airplane Seatmates
Tell us about yours! Read More »
Be My BF: Suing Parents
He's suing his parents for not loving him enough. Read More »

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t know your name, but I commend you for your effort to be the best airplane seat mate ever. Sure, you took it a bit too far. But the intention was there and that’s what counts. As many of us have experienced, getting trapped on a long flight next to a person who is farting/snoring/talking non-stop is unbearable. More than unbearable, it’s a goddamn nightmare.

When you found yourself sitting next to a hot woman on a five-hour flight through China, you made it your mission to remain seated the entire time so as not to disturb her. And when I say disturb her, I mean that you didn’t want to offend her with your pot belly. In order to do this, you declined to drink any of the complimentary beverages so you wouldn’t have to get up to use the men’s room. You remained seated with your seatbelt securely fastening around your safely hidden paunch for the entire flight, barely moving at all. I’m sure the woman was thrilled to have you as a seat mate. Truly. Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Man Suing His Parents For Not Loving Him Enough

Be My BF: White Album
This guy has 700 copies of The White Album. Read More »
Be My BF: Klingon Sword
Johnnie Blade wielded a Klingon sword. Read More »
Be My BF: Outsourcer
He outsourced his job so he could watch animal videos all day. Read More »

Dear Bernard Anderson Bey,

As a 32-year-old homeless man, I think you’ve sensed that it’s time to take stock of your life, take responsibility for your actions and get your shit together. That’s good! You took initiative. You came up with a plan — albeit a misguided one — to turn things around for yourself. In a lawsuit you filed from a laptop at the Brooklyn homeless shelter where you are currently staying, you sued your parents, demanding that they mortgage their share in the home part-owned by your father so your family can “break the bonds of poverty” by buying two Domino’s Pizza franchises. The $200,000 lawsuit blames your parents for leaving you homeless because they allegedly raised you and your siblings in poverty and didn’t love you enough. As a backup plan, you’ve enrolled in automotive trade school (which I think may be your best bet.) Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Rutherford Chang Has Nearly 700 Copies Of The Beatles’ The White Album

Be My BF: Cat Hater
He wants to eradicate all cats to save the birds. Read More »
Be My BF: Pillow Fort
He prank called about Tim Tebow from his pillow fort. Read More »
Be My BF: Outsourcer
He outsourced his job so he could watch animal videos all day. Read More »

Dear Rutherford,

I heard you’re a Beatles fan, which is great. I mean, I guess that takes care of that difficult “are you a Beatles or a Rolling Stones fan” discussion. In fact, you might be the biggest Beatles fan, owing to your obsessive collecting and cataloging of their records. Specifically The White Album. It seems you’ve got — how many now? — 693 copies of the iconic record, and plan to keep on collecting. Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Klingon Sword-Wielding Floridian Johnnie Blade

"Star Trek" Fanfic
Amelia wrote a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" novel when she was 12. Read More »
Be My BF: Poem Tattoo
We love his poem tattoo. Read More »
Be My BF: Cat Helicopter
This guy turned his dead cat into a helicopter. Whoa. Read More »

Dear Johnnie Blade,

First of all, your parents clearly knew you were destined for greatness, because they gave you a name that could only befit a future porn star or Klingon sword enthusiast. I have no idea about your adult film industry experience, but you were recently arrested for “wildly swinging” a four-foot long sword in a Fort Lauderdale intersection. In your defense, you were actually observed “proudly displaying” your crescent-shaped weapon — a bat’leth, technically — and who could blame you? Klingons are the most fiercely honorable alien species in the “Star Trek” cannon, and their weaponry is incredibly impressive. (Props, by the way, to the person who correctly identified your sword as being Klingon.)  jIyajchu’. [That means "I understand fully" in Klingon.] If I were lucky enough to own such a fine blade, I would want to show it off to passing motorists as well. As soon as this misunderstanding is cleared up and the police let you go, we should meet up for a couple glasses of prune juice. Hoch DIl! [I'll pay.] 

yIghoSDo’ — and qamuSHa’ [Good luck and I love you],

Amelia
[Sun-Sentinal]

Be My Boyfriend Weekend Party Round Up: Sex With Horses, The Peanut Butter Solution, A Freestyle Rap Defense — And More!

Be My Boyfriend: Gum Guy
He made the world's largest gumball out of Nicorette. Read More »
Be My Boyfriend: Cowbell
This guy got arrested for playing too much cowbell. Read More »
Be My Boyfriend: Meth Guy
He ate a bobcat while on meth, so what? Read More »

Remember that dream you had in middle school to have the coolest boyfriend ever? Well guess what? These guys are all up for grabs. So girls, don’t fight (it’s not attractive!), there are enough Be My Boyfriends to go around. Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Tried To Hide The Fact The He’s “The Sun”

Be My BF: Outsourcer
He outsourced his job so he could watch animal videos all day. Read More »
Be My BF: Vacuum Wanker
He jumped on a roof, emptied a vacuum,masturbated and pooped in a stranger's house. Read More »
Be My BF: Cat Hater
He wants to eradicate all cats to save the birds. Read More »

Dear Brett Eric Drachenburg aka “The Sun,”

If were sitting in the same room right now, I would be giving you a slow clap. From a safe distance, of course. At least 93 million miles. When you were caught stealing a towel from a Florida home, you told the cops that you were simply trying to disguise yourself as “‘The Sun’ with intent to obstruct the due execution of the law.” Initially, authorities were confused by your explanation and thought you might be referring to The Sun Sentinel newspaper, but when the deputy asked you for your name, you replied, “The Sun.”

The Sun, l know why you stole that towel. You were trying to hide your fire from the world. Trying to protect the world from your heat. Don’t do it, The Sun. Never let anyone dull your shine, baby. Take that towel off your face and let the world have it.

Shine on,

Ami Angelowicz

[Huffington Post]

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