Dear Guy Who Built An Exact Replica Of The Car From “Ghostbusters,”
If I were to make a list of traits I find irresistible in a man, it would go something like this: “dark hair, green eyes, great sense of humor, intelligence, kindness, and most importantly, willingness to spend almost $80,000 to turn a 1959 Cadillac Hearse into a working replica of the car from ‘Ghostbusters.’” My current boyfriend fits most of these criteria, but as far as I know, you’re the only man in the world who has ever accomplished that last one. It took years of work, 158 miles of wire, four lightbars, and rotating beacons, but you did it. Now, who you gonna call? Hopefully me.
Earlier this week, Iowa man Jerald Reiter was arrested with a zebra and a parrot in his car. But that’s not what got him busted. No, it seems Reiter was arrested for driving under the influence and was put in handcuffs in the parking lot of the (wait for it) Dog House Bar.
Here’s why I love Jerald. He says his zebra and his parrot were there because they like going for rides. You know, as zebras and parrots do. He and girlfriend (bummer) Vickey Teters say the two animals are like the couple’s babies, and they go everywhere together. Jerald says he knew he was too drunk to drive and was in the process of scooching over to the passenger seat when the police showed up. A likely story.
So many questions for Jerald. Like, how’d he procure a zebra? Where does the zebra sleep? Can he hook me up with one? Let’s work it out guy! [Neatorama]
Dear Dude Who Was Kicked Out Of Manhattan’s Blue Ruin Bar For Eating A Salad In The Bathroom,
Where have you been all my life? Finally, someone who understands the simple pleasure of eating leafy greens in the serenity of a lavatory. I love to take my salad breaks in the bathtub. Like the bartender who kicked you out of the men’s room before you had a chance to finish your salad (what was in it, by the way?), friends and acquaintances have expressed disbelief, even repulsion, that I would want to eat my veggies whilst lounging in the tub. But fuck them, soulmate of mine. Come on over to my house — I have a toilet seat with your name on it. I’ll draw a hot bath — perhaps I won’t even make you avert your eyes — and we can clink forks before drowning out the haters with the loud crunch of romaine hearts and cucumber slices. I’m getting hot just thinking about it. All I ask is that you bring the dressing. I prefer balsamic vinegar-based.
See you soon, I hope,
Dear Guy Who Legally Changed His Name To Tyrannosaurus Rex,
Last week you were just a regular 23-year-old guy named Tyler Gold from York, Nebraska. Then you went to court and filed a motion to change your name to Tyrannosaurus Rex, telling a judge you wanted to do it because it was “cooler” than your original name (totally true, by the way). When you walked out of that courthouse your legal name was Tyrannosaurus Rex Joseph Gold, and suddenly I want to marry you and have tons of little T-Rexes. Use those comically short arms of yours to give me a call sometime. I have a feeling you could be the Lizard King of my heart.
[York News Times]
Dear Guy With Permanent Converse,
I don’t know who you are, but you may be my sole mate. What an innovative idea it was to get shoes tattooed on your feet! Just think, you’ll never be refused service at a fast food joint or a gas station ever again. Bonus points for choosing Converse. It speaks to your practical nature as Chucks never go out of style. And talk about commitment. Clearly you have no hangups in that department. I don’t know what kind of shoes I would want on my feet forever. Maybe heels so I’d never have to wear them again? It’s important for you to know that if you asked me to tattoo shoes on my feet, I would. We could roam the world together, barefoot (kind of).
Dear Batman Goatee Guy,
You are either a really serious Batman fan or have an excellent sense of humor or both. You’re handy with a razor and possess the ability to grow thick, lustrous facial hair. I’m not sure what else I could ever want in a man. Do you have a date for the midnight showing of “The Dark Knight Rises” yet? Because I am definitely available. [Buzzfeed]
You guys like animals, I love animals. You guys like getting drunk, I like getting drunk. It seems like we’d get along. After all, it’s not every day that three guys get drunk, break into a Sea World and steal a friggin’ penguin. [Daily Mail UK]
Dear Kenichi Ito (aka Monkey Man),
I really admire how you’ve been perfecting different movement styles based on the Patas monkey of Africa. For the record, I don’t think you look like a monkey. I’m sorry that you were teased as a child. I was too. It sucks. But I respect how you turned your pain into a positive by learning to adopt animal traits. I did that as well! You can ask my family about The Bird With The Broken Wing and The Disinterested Flamingo if you get to meet them. I can’t run as fast as you on all fours, I’ve never gone into the mountains for an animal training retreat, and thank God, I have never been mistaken for a wild boar and shot at, but I can anthropomorphize an animal like nobody’s business. I think we would get along really well. Maybe we could get together and you can teach me how to gallop on all fours.
At Burger King, you can “have it your way.” And one Japanese guy really took that to heart, by customizing his burger with more than 1,000 pieces of bacon. My very special next boyfriend candidate likes bacon so much that he had the fryolater workers at his fave fast food joint add 1,050 slabs to his sandwich, rendering it absolutely impossible to actually shove in one’s mouth. Not that he didn’t try. Which is what I actually admire in him — his sandwich fortitude, or sandwichatude, if you will. It warms my cold vegan heart. [Huffington Post]
Dear William Todd,
Color me impressed! There are career criminals that don’t accomplish in a lifetime what you did in nine hours: committing 10 felonies. Not only did you steal a taser, revolver and shotgun (and a T-shirt!) from Nashville bar The Slaughterhouse, but you then burned the business to the ground! And because you are a king among criminal men, you went on to commit many more crimes. There was the stop at a local bar where you held up four people at gunpoint, tasering one, and pistol-whipping another. And then, minutes later, you held up a taxi at gunpoint, driving the stolen car to a local Walmart where you purchased $199 in food. All that crime can make you hungry.
But your crime spree was only half over.
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