Dear Valentino LoSauro,
I’ve been waiting for Edward Scissorhands to give me a haircut since 1990. I know you don’t look like Johnny Depp, and I don’t look that much like Winona Ryder, but I’d like you to give me a haircut with your Clawz. (I like to put “Z”s on the endz of my wordz, too!)
You’ve been quoted as saying that Clawz bring musicality to hairdressing. And you use special cutting techniques you’ve dubbed “Flight of the Bumblebee” and “Zap” and “Raking.” It’s obvious that you are a former pianist. I was a singer. We have so much in common!
Valentino, cut my hair. Zap me. Bumblebee me. Rake me. Put your Clawz all over my head. Be my hairdresser. But we can skip the blindfold.
Dear Reynaldo Nazario,
Some car thieves take an entire lifetime to accomplish what you did in less than three months — stealing 30 cars in 75 days. Your steadfast dedication to your craft has meant that you’ve spent quite a lot of time in prison — nine out of the last 10 years you’ve been locked away on charges related to car theft. But that just shows you can be dedicated and committed to something (or someone) you care about. Keep reading »
Dear Brandon Chicotsky,
Congrats on your new business venture, BaldLogo.com! I love that you turned your early onset baldness into a way to make money and bring “bald and beautiful back.” Not that it was ever out, per se. At least, not in my mind. Seriously, I think you look good, even with that logo on your head. And if I had anything to advertise (I don’t at the moment), I would definitely pay $320 a day for you to be my own personal walking billboard. Keep reading »
Dear Garrett Michael Hoover,
I like a man who knows what he wants — and it’s clear from this Horry County mugshot that you like to boink. Well, guess what? I like to boink, too. Maybe we could boink together, just as soon as you get out of jail for disorderly conduct. In the meantime, I’ll just be here, with the words “Waiting 4 Garrett” written on my arm.
See you soon,
Dear Guy Who Built This Epic Mobile Office In His Car,
Listen, dude, I get it. Why start work at 9 a.m. and end at 5 p.m. when you can get so much more done during your commute, right? God himself couldn’t build a cubicle large enough to contain your ambitions! So you did what any self-respecting workaholic would do: you built a wooden frame in the passenger seat of your car, where you attached a laptop, a printer, a router, a WLAN antenna, and a power source. This setup allowed you to conduct all your business while speeding down the autobahn at 80 miles per hour, which is exactly what you were doing when you got pulled over earlier this week.
Psh. Cops are such party poopers. What do you say we meet for a working lunch in my Volkswagen Jetta, I’ll keep it under the speed limit, and we’ll see where this goes? [Yahoo News]
Dear Danai Raiwech (aka The Great Panty Caper),
Hi. How are you? You probably feel like shit right now, on bail, waiting to be charged for your involvement in nearly a half a million dollar jewelry heist. But stealing jewelry is not your life’s passion. Your life’s passion is stealing women’s underwear. Keep reading »
Oh, Charles Shumanis III, the love we could have had. Earlier this month, Shumanis, 47, was convicted of stealing lobsters (!) and other meat from an Allentown, Pennsylvania-area supermarket, with the intention of selling the crustaceans to support his drug habit. Shumanis apparently repeatedly stole lobsters from the store, and was finally apprehended in March of this year. In all, he stole around $350 in merchandise and was also charged with auto theft. He faces — get this — up to 25 years in prison. That is one expensive lobster dinner. What must ambivalent single lobster think? [MSN]
There’s histrionics, and then there’s histrionics. And perhaps nobody knows that better than the announcer guy for “The People’s Court.” He’s turned witty voiceover-speak into a slightly sardonic, possibly passive aggressive and definitely psychotic artform. Just listen!
Dear Number 49,
Congrats on making it to the Super Heavyweight finals at the Arnold Classic Europe in Madrid this weekend! That’s awesome! I’m sorry that you didn’t win, but still, you were the star of the show. I wish I could say you were getting attention for all your hard work and dedication to the sport of bodybuilding. I cannot. Number 49, people are talking smack about your two-tone tan. It looks like you forgot to slather fake tanner on your face.
Keep reading »