Tag Archives: be my boyfriend

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Dialed 911 Looking For Kool-Aid & Weed

Be My Boyfriend: Batman Goatee
This guy wears the bat signal on his face! Read More »
Be My Boyfriend: Gum Guy
He made the world's largest gumball out of Nicorette. Read More »
Be My Boyfriend: Meth Guy
He ate a bobcat while on meth, so what? Read More »

Dear Jarvis Sutton,

Are you my soulmate? I think you might be, because it’s pretty clear you appreciate Kool-Aid almost as much as I do. I love the Kool-Aid man so much, especially when he comes crashing through a wall screaming his signature catch phrase, “Oh yeah!” in his creepy smoker’s voice. 

Or maybe there’s another reason you dialed 911 eighty times to request a home delivery of Kool-Aid, hamburgers and weed. When St. Petersburg, Florida, police arrested you for misusing the 911 system, you were apparently so hungry that you tried eating the foam attached to the metal cage in the back of the police car. I understand that you are still in jail at the moment, unable to make the $150 bond. I would bail you out, but I was planning on using that money for a mammoth Kool-Aid run at Costco, so… Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: The Beautiful Minds Behind Beloved Shirts

The One That Started It All
Forget Jesus, check out this Oprah face sweatshirt. Read More »

An incredible thing happened to me on Sunday night: I saw God for the very first time. Or, you know, this Oprah face sweatshirt, but it’s the exact same thing. I texted Julie immediately to make her aware of my intentions to purchase two (one for each of us, naturally) so that we might match, and never wear any other shirt ever again in our lives. She took it one step further and pointed me in the direction of the sweatshirt’s source, a Utah-based company called Beloved Shirts. Man, if you thought that Oprah sweatshirt was great (and I did, obviously), check out all these other ones!

I’m not entirely sure who is behind Beloved, or if they would like to date me, but I’m putting it out there that I would definitely like to date them. On the off chance that they don’t want to date me, which would be weird, I guess I could settle for them sending me one of their beautiful creations. Please take a look at some of my choicest favorites in this gallery, and keep in mind that I would happily accept every single one, though I am most emotionally invested in the Step Brothers sweatshirt (shown), and am also pretty loose about giving out my address to strangers. Only in the name of perfect sweatshirts, of course. [Beloved]

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Was Keeping 53 King Cobras In His Car

Be My BF: Turtleman
Why Julie loves the "Call of the Wildman" star. Read More »
Be my bf: free samples
This guy got arrested for overdoing it on free samples. Read More »
Be my bf: deer head
He's been wearing this deer head for FOUR YEARS. Read More »

Dear Guy Who Was Arrested For Driving Around With 53 King Cobras In His Car,

No woman can resist a guy who lives a rock n’ roll lifestyle. In fact, I’ve previously written a love letter to a guy who was so obsessed with heavy metal that he was forced to quit his job and receive disability benefits. I thought that dude was hardcore, but daaaaaamn, your badass ways make him seem like a fluffy, cuddly kitten in comparison: you were recently arrested in Vietnam for driving around with 53 king cobras in your car. I’m terrified by this story. And also intrigued. Let’s grab a bite to eat and talk about your rock n’ roll lifestyle. We’ll take my car.

Xoxo,
Winona

[Huffington Post]

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Got Arrested For Taking Too Many Free Samples At Cub Foods

Be My BF: Mom Complaint
He called 911 to complain about his mother. Read More »
Be my BF: Deer Head
He's been wearing a deer head for four years. Read More »
Be My BF: Cheese Thief
Share your muenster with me, man! Read More »

Dear Erwin Lingitz,

I think it was wrong that you got arrested for taking too many free samples from your local Cub Foods. They are FREE SAMPLES for godssakes! It’s not like you stole food. If you want to ravage a lunch meat sample tray, fill a produce bag with 20 cookies from the kids cookie club tray, stuff 16 packets of soy sauce, a half-pound of summer sausage and a pound of beef sticks in your pockets, GO FOR IT.  If Cub Foods wants to get all high and mighty about how you violated “societal norms” by taking too many of their free samples, fuck them. They shouldn’t have left all that salami out if they didn’t want it stuffed in a customer’s pocket. I hope you sue them for encouraging you to take free samples and then punishing you for it. Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Called 911 To Complain About His Mom

Be My BF: Cheese Thief
Share your muenster with me, man! Read More »
Be My BF: Suing Parents
He's suing his parents for not loving him enough. Read More »

Dear Vincent Valvo, AKA The Guy Who Called 911 To Complain About His Mom,

Man, moms can be so annoying, can’t they? Mine used to try to get me to go to bed at 9:30 p.m. when I was a sophomore in high school! Ridiculous, right? And your mom sounds like a real ball-buster, or at least I’m assuming she is, because you called 911 not once, but twice in one night to complain that you “didn’t like the way she was talking to you.”

You were arrested after making the second call, but if you ever want someone to vent to in the future, you can give me a ring!

Xoxo,
Winona

[Neatorama]

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who’s Been Wearing A Deer Head For 4 Years

Be My BF: Cheese Thief
Share your muenster with me, man! Read More »
Be My Boyfriend: Batman Goatee
This guy wears the bat signal on his face! Read More »
Be My BF: Suing Parents
He's suing his parents for not loving him enough. Read More »

Dear Luo Dan,

I want to tell you that I’m feeling you wearing this deer head mask every day for the last four years. You started wearing it while you were making your art because it make you feel peaceful (no surprise that you’re a painter) and eventually, got used to wearing it and started to wear it all the time.

“The deer is a tame animal … Wearing its mask, I could find a long-missing inner peace. When I wear the mask, I feel I am a deer from within,” you said. Keep reading »

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