Dear Jason Earl Dean,
I understand that this week a judge sentenced you to four years in prison for handcuffing yourself to a woman who wouldn’t go out with you. Apparently, her Taco Bell coworkers heard her screaming, and rushed outside to find you cuffed to this woman. When they approached, you let her go. According to reports, you’d been asking her out for like, a month, so I’m sure it seemed like a perfectly logical thing to do at the time — because life is a Dane Cook rom-com. Keep reading »
I realize that at 10, you’re a bit too young to actually be my boyfriend. However, I’d just like to give you a shout out, as a fellow cat lover and feline fanatic. In 2009, when you were just seven years old, you donated your entire year’s worth of allowance to help save animals at City Kitties in Philadelphia, and have done so every year since. I understand you’ve now got three cats, and are well on your way to being a bonafide crazy cat person, and I, for one, couldn’t be more thrilled. Keep reading »
Dear Zachariah Dalton,
Most women will tell you that they want a man who’s close to his parents. A man who loves and respects his mother and father and has a good relationship with them. It seems, Zachariah, that you are one of those guys. The other day, when you attempted to rob a Thumbs Up convenience store in Niceville, Florida, you realized that you had no getaway vehicle. And the reason you had no getaway vehicle? It seems you have two prior arrests for driving under the influence.
Perhaps you intended to buy one with your new windfall — only the clerk at Thumbs Up didn’t actually have any money in his cash drawer, so you were left without. I suppose it’s okay, though, because according to the police, you hadn’t really planned to rob the store, you’d only come up with the idea while walking there.
So, no harm, no foul. Keep reading »
Dear Farting Chef,
Food and farts! You sir, know how to make a lady swoon. Farting Chef, your Craigslist ad detailing the achievement of your three-month mission to fart on all 37 of your employees, knocked the wind out of me. I am dying to figure out who you are.
In the ad, you write, “I am a chef, I don’t know if I would call myself world famous, but I am definitely known in and around NYC. I have had several specials on foodnetwork.” Keep reading »
First may I say that I am beyond flattered that you A) read my “Be My Boyfriend” post about you and B) made a video in response. To quote myself when I found out about it: “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
I have a couple of points to address with you, Brandon. This is a bit tangential, but I notice that you are holding a cat in the video. If you ever want us to date, I should be up front and tell you that you’ll have to ditch the cat. I have an issue with male cat owners. Also, I’m highly allergic. Sorry. That’s the deal. Keep reading »
Dear 38-Year-Old Anonymous Man,
You must be dying of embarrassment right now after receiving a five-page, formal letter of reprimand from your employer accusing you of “uncontrollable flatulence” that is creating an “intolerable” and “hostile” environment for coworkers. OUCH.
Apparently, you told your supervisor that you suffered from “some medical conditions,” but he or she isn’t buying it. Your manager stated that “nothing that you have submitted has indicated that you would have uncontrollable flatulence. It is my belief that you can control this condition.” Keep reading »
Dear Resourceful Baggage Guy,
I love a man who finds innovative solutions to life’s annoying problems. And your solution to astronomical airline baggage fees was particularly smart: Rather than carry luggage, you wore yours, somehow managing to don more than 70 items of clothing in Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport. Keep reading »
When we say the “best” boyfriends, we mean the worst, or in some cases, the most ridiculous. We’ve rounded up the best of our “Be My Boyfriend” series this year. Really, we’re not planning on dating these guys, but said in the most diplomatic way possible, we marvel at them. These guys exist…
Tomsaz Tomasz Paczkowski,
First of all, I hope your face is healing. It’s true that no good deed goes unpunished. I know it didn’t work out for you, trying to help your wife with the housework, but you get an A+ for effort. It was seriously sweet that you to offer to do the ironing while watching boxing and drinking a beer, but unless you’re skilled at doing four things at once (I’m not either!), you’re bound to make a mistake, like answering the iron instead of the phone and burning half your face. To make matters worse, when you ran to the bathroom to put cold water on your face, you smacked into the wall and gave yourself a black eye. Keep reading »