Dear Guy Who Was Arrested For Driving Around With 53 King Cobras In His Car,
No woman can resist a guy who lives a rock n’ roll lifestyle. In fact, I’ve previously written a love letter to a guy who was so obsessed with heavy metal that he was forced to quit his job and receive disability benefits. I thought that dude was hardcore, but daaaaaamn, your badass ways make him seem like a fluffy, cuddly kitten in comparison: you were recently arrested in Vietnam for driving around with 53 king cobras in your car. I’m terrified by this story. And also intrigued. Let’s grab a bite to eat and talk about your rock n’ roll lifestyle. We’ll take my car.
Dear Erwin Lingitz,
I think it was wrong that you got arrested for taking too many free samples from your local Cub Foods. They are FREE SAMPLES for godssakes! It’s not like you stole food. If you want to ravage a lunch meat sample tray, fill a produce bag with 20 cookies from the kids cookie club tray, stuff 16 packets of soy sauce, a half-pound of summer sausage and a pound of beef sticks in your pockets, GO FOR IT. If Cub Foods wants to get all high and mighty about how you violated “societal norms” by taking too many of their free samples, fuck them. They shouldn’t have left all that salami out if they didn’t want it stuffed in a customer’s pocket. I hope you sue them for encouraging you to take free samples and then punishing you for it. Keep reading »
Dear Vincent Valvo, AKA The Guy Who Called 911 To Complain About His Mom,
Man, moms can be so annoying, can’t they? Mine used to try to get me to go to bed at 9:30 p.m. when I was a sophomore in high school! Ridiculous, right? And your mom sounds like a real ball-buster, or at least I’m assuming she is, because you called 911 not once, but twice in one night to complain that you “didn’t like the way she was talking to you.”
You were arrested after making the second call, but if you ever want someone to vent to in the future, you can give me a ring!
Dear Luo Dan,
I want to tell you that I’m feeling you wearing this deer head mask every day for the last four years. You started wearing it while you were making your art because it make you feel peaceful (no surprise that you’re a painter) and eventually, got used to wearing it and started to wear it all the time.
“The deer is a tame animal … Wearing its mask, I could find a long-missing inner peace. When I wear the mask, I feel I am a deer from within,” you said. Keep reading »
Der Eric Ducharme, Merman,
I believe that when you find the thing you love, you should hang on and never let go. In your case, the thing you love is being a Merman — that’s a male mermaid for non-merman enthusiasts — and bless you for it. Keep reading »