Tag Archives: be my boyfriend

Be My Boyfriend: Rutherford Chang Has Nearly 700 Copies Of The Beatles’ The White Album

Be My BF: Cat Hater
He wants to eradicate all cats to save the birds. Read More »
Be My BF: Pillow Fort
He prank called about Tim Tebow from his pillow fort. Read More »
Be My BF: Outsourcer
He outsourced his job so he could watch animal videos all day. Read More »

Dear Rutherford,

I heard you’re a Beatles fan, which is great. I mean, I guess that takes care of that difficult “are you a Beatles or a Rolling Stones fan” discussion. In fact, you might be the biggest Beatles fan, owing to your obsessive collecting and cataloging of their records. Specifically The White Album. It seems you’ve got — how many now? — 693 copies of the iconic record, and plan to keep on collecting. Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Klingon Sword-Wielding Floridian Johnnie Blade

"Star Trek" Fanfic
Amelia wrote a "Star Trek: The Next Generation" novel when she was 12. Read More »
Be My BF: Poem Tattoo
We love his poem tattoo. Read More »
Be My BF: Cat Helicopter
This guy turned his dead cat into a helicopter. Whoa. Read More »

Dear Johnnie Blade,

First of all, your parents clearly knew you were destined for greatness, because they gave you a name that could only befit a future porn star or Klingon sword enthusiast. I have no idea about your adult film industry experience, but you were recently arrested for “wildly swinging” a four-foot long sword in a Fort Lauderdale intersection. In your defense, you were actually observed “proudly displaying” your crescent-shaped weapon — a bat’leth, technically — and who could blame you? Klingons are the most fiercely honorable alien species in the “Star Trek” cannon, and their weaponry is incredibly impressive. (Props, by the way, to the person who correctly identified your sword as being Klingon.)  jIyajchu’. [That means "I understand fully" in Klingon.] If I were lucky enough to own such a fine blade, I would want to show it off to passing motorists as well. As soon as this misunderstanding is cleared up and the police let you go, we should meet up for a couple glasses of prune juice. Hoch DIl! [I'll pay.] 

yIghoSDo’ — and qamuSHa’ [Good luck and I love you],

Amelia
[Sun-Sentinal]

Be My Boyfriend Weekend Party Round Up: Sex With Horses, The Peanut Butter Solution, A Freestyle Rap Defense — And More!

Be My Boyfriend: Gum Guy
He made the world's largest gumball out of Nicorette. Read More »
Be My Boyfriend: Cowbell
This guy got arrested for playing too much cowbell. Read More »
Be My Boyfriend: Meth Guy
He ate a bobcat while on meth, so what? Read More »

Remember that dream you had in middle school to have the coolest boyfriend ever? Well guess what? These guys are all up for grabs. So girls, don’t fight (it’s not attractive!), there are enough Be My Boyfriends to go around. Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Tried To Hide The Fact The He’s “The Sun”

Be My BF: Outsourcer
He outsourced his job so he could watch animal videos all day. Read More »
Be My BF: Vacuum Wanker
He jumped on a roof, emptied a vacuum,masturbated and pooped in a stranger's house. Read More »
Be My BF: Cat Hater
He wants to eradicate all cats to save the birds. Read More »

Dear Brett Eric Drachenburg aka “The Sun,”

If were sitting in the same room right now, I would be giving you a slow clap. From a safe distance, of course. At least 93 million miles. When you were caught stealing a towel from a Florida home, you told the cops that you were simply trying to disguise yourself as “‘The Sun’ with intent to obstruct the due execution of the law.” Initially, authorities were confused by your explanation and thought you might be referring to The Sun Sentinel newspaper, but when the deputy asked you for your name, you replied, “The Sun.”

The Sun, l know why you stole that towel. You were trying to hide your fire from the world. Trying to protect the world from your heat. Don’t do it, The Sun. Never let anyone dull your shine, baby. Take that towel off your face and let the world have it.

Shine on,

Ami Angelowicz

[Huffington Post]

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Drove Drunk Inside A Walmart

Be My BF: Heavy Metal
He gets disability for his heavy metal addiction. Read More »
Be My BF: Logo Head
He sells ad space on his head. Watch »
Be My BF: Fart Warning
He was issued a formal warning for his farts. Read More »

Dear Timothy Carr,

A lot of people drive drunk, but it takes a special kind of man (usually from Florida) to drive drunk inside. According to a report from Brooksville, Florida, you helped yourself to a cold one while inside a mega Walmart and were then caught driving your motorized cart erratically.

“The defendant did enter Walmart and select two packages of Daily Daiquiri and proceed to drink them in the store,” said the official police report. “The defendant was driving a Walmart owned electric cart. While driving the cart, the defendant knocked several items off the shelves causing damage to the items.”

Daiquiris? Well, you’re clearly rather cavalier when it comes to calorie counting.

In awe,
Julie

[Raw Story]

Be My Boyfriend: Czech Prez Candidate With A Full Face Tattoo

Be My BF: Heavy Metal
He gets disability for his heavy metal addiction. Read More »
Be My BF: Cat Singer
This guy sang "Kiss From A Rose" to his pet cat. Read More »
Be My BF: Tattooed Shoes
Permanent converse? Yes, please! Read More »

Dear Vladimir Franz,

They say that beauty is only skin deep, and it’s pretty clear that you took that literally. As the first fully-tattooed presidential candidate of the Czech Republic (and like, probably anywhere?), you’re blazing a trail for ink-stained politicians everywhere. Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend(s): Two Awesome Thieves Who Stole More Than $65K In Chicken

Be My BF: Pasta Artist
He makes art ... from pasta. Read More »
Be My BF: Taco Cop
This guy got arrested for giving a cop tacos instead of his ID. Read More »
Be My BF: Bacon Guy
This dude ate a burger with 1,050 pieces of bacon. Watch »

Dear Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson,

You guys obviously like chicken. And I like guys who like chicken. So let’s have a menage a poulet. At least, I’m guessing you like chicken, based on the fact that you stole $65,000 worth of chicken from a Tyson plant in Doraville, Georgia. Got plans for the biggest barbecue ever? Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: JacksFilms Dude Is The Ultimate Grammarian

Grammar With Court
See what Courtney Stodden's Tweets can teach you! Read More »
Words We Hate
We want to retire these words and phrases forever. Read More »
"If the music is very butting."

I admit I’m even a little nervous writing this, because Jack of JacksFilms is generally concerned with only one thing — the paltry grammar of internet commenters and social networkers. Jack is so committed to his cause, that he’s managed to make nearly 50 hilarious videos about it. Each video features Jack reading off some of the most inane, poorly spelled and totally illiterate internet comments.

But it’s not just Jack’s commitment to ridding the world of incoherent internet comments, it’s that he is so funny and charming in the process. So Jack, send me a note — I promise I’ll spellcheck my reply. [YouTube] Keep reading »

We’re Breaking Up: Drunk Guy Who Had Sex With A Snowman And Got Frostbite

Be My BF: Cat Hater
He wants to eradicate all cats to save the birds. Read More »
Be My BF: Vacuum Wanker
He jumped on a roof, emptied a vacuum,masturbated and pooped in a stranger's house. Read More »
Be My BF: Outsourcer
He outsourced his job so he could watch animal videos all day. Read More »

Dear Kenneth Guillespie,

I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it seems like you’ve finally hit “bottom” as they say. You were found half-naked, screaming in agony after attempting to have sex with a snowman. Kenneth, let’s be real here — you almost lost your dick. If you put your penis in a snowman, you’re going to get frostbite. That’s how it works. But I’m sure you weren’t thinking clearly. Because you were wasted. (The neighbors found a pile of empties near the snowman carnage.) Keep reading »

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Plays The Alcordion

Be My BF: Gassy Chef
Congratulations on farting on all of your employees, sexy! Read More »
Be My BF: Heavy Metal
He gets disability for his heavy metal addiction. Read More »
Be My BF: Long Word
This guy spent 3.5 hours pronouncing a word. Read More »
He can drink, sing, and play at the same time!

Dear Ivan Zamotaev,

I’ve always had a thing for men who play accordions, so when you walked onto the “Russia’s Got Talent” stage and debuted your talent–playing a fascinating instrument called an “alcordion”–I was immediately intrigued. And then I found out that the “alcordion” is just an alcoholic accordion, with a bottle of vodka and a glass attached to it so you can pour yourself shots and knock ‘em back without skipping a beat, and I was totally smitten.

Maybe next time you can play me a tune?

xoxo
Winona

[YouTube via Neatorama]

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