Remember that dream you had in middle school to have the coolest boyfriend ever? Well guess what? These guys are all up for grabs. So girls, don’t fight (it’s not attractive!), there are enough Be My Boyfriends to go around. Keep reading »
Dear Brett Eric Drachenburg aka “The Sun,”
If were sitting in the same room right now, I would be giving you a slow clap. From a safe distance, of course. At least 93 million miles. When you were caught stealing a towel from a Florida home, you told the cops that you were simply trying to disguise yourself as “‘The Sun’ with intent to obstruct the due execution of the law.” Initially, authorities were confused by your explanation and thought you might be referring to The Sun Sentinel newspaper, but when the deputy asked you for your name, you replied, “The Sun.”
The Sun, l know why you stole that towel. You were trying to hide your fire from the world. Trying to protect the world from your heat. Don’t do it, The Sun. Never let anyone dull your shine, baby. Take that towel off your face and let the world have it.
Dear Timothy Carr,
A lot of people drive drunk, but it takes a special kind of man (usually from Florida) to drive drunk inside. According to a report from Brooksville, Florida, you helped yourself to a cold one while inside a mega Walmart and were then caught driving your motorized cart erratically.
“The defendant did enter Walmart and select two packages of Daily Daiquiri and proceed to drink them in the store,” said the official police report. “The defendant was driving a Walmart owned electric cart. While driving the cart, the defendant knocked several items off the shelves causing damage to the items.”
Daiquiris? Well, you’re clearly rather cavalier when it comes to calorie counting.
Dear Vladimir Franz,
They say that beauty is only skin deep, and it’s pretty clear that you took that literally. As the first fully-tattooed presidential candidate of the Czech Republic (and like, probably anywhere?), you’re blazing a trail for ink-stained politicians everywhere. Keep reading »
Dear Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson,
You guys obviously like chicken. And I like guys who like chicken. So let’s have a menage a poulet. At least, I’m guessing you like chicken, based on the fact that you stole $65,000 worth of chicken from a Tyson plant in Doraville, Georgia. Got plans for the biggest barbecue ever? Keep reading »
I admit I’m even a little nervous writing this, because Jack of JacksFilms is generally concerned with only one thing — the paltry grammar of internet commenters and social networkers. Jack is so committed to his cause, that he’s managed to make nearly 50 hilarious videos about it. Each video features Jack reading off some of the most inane, poorly spelled and totally illiterate internet comments.
But it’s not just Jack’s commitment to ridding the world of incoherent internet comments, it’s that he is so funny and charming in the process. So Jack, send me a note — I promise I’ll spellcheck my reply. [YouTube] Keep reading »
Dear Kenneth Guillespie,
I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it seems like you’ve finally hit “bottom” as they say. You were found half-naked, screaming in agony after attempting to have sex with a snowman. Kenneth, let’s be real here — you almost lost your dick. If you put your penis in a snowman, you’re going to get frostbite. That’s how it works. But I’m sure you weren’t thinking clearly. Because you were wasted. (The neighbors found a pile of empties near the snowman carnage.) Keep reading »
Dear Gregory Matthew Bruni,
You sound like quite an impressive criminal — even for Florida, which is full of impressive criminals. It seems this past Monday you were bored after dinner/high on bath salts so you decided to strip down to your b-day suit and jump on over to your neighbor’s roof. Except, whoops! That dude was home, and none to pleased to have a naked stranger doing a jig on his house.
Keep reading »
Dear Amazing Outsourcer,
Most of us are guilty of loafing off on the job a couple times a day. But you, Anonymous Job Outsourcer, decided to game the system by not doing your job all together. Instead, you outsourced your tech job to a man in China, who duly toiled away while you spent the day on Reddit, checking Facebook and watching various and sundry cat videos.
You would have gotten away with it, too, had your company not noticed that someone in China was logging into the system with your VPN. Verizon was brought in to explore the mess, and after an extensive investigation, revealed that you had outsourced your entire job to China. And the best part, according to the Verizon enquiry: You “spent less than one-fifth” of your six-figure salary for the Chinese firm to do your job for you. Keep reading »