be my boyfriend - Page 5

Guys

Dear Guy Who Built This Epic Mobile Office In His Car,

Listen, dude, I get it. Why start work at 9 a.m. and end at 5 p.m. when you can get so much more done during your commute, right? God himself couldn’t build a cubicle large enough to contain your ambitions! So you… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Danai Raiwech (aka The Great Panty Caper),

Hi. How are you? You probably feel like shit right now, on bail, waiting to be charged for your involvement in nearly a half a million dollar jewelry heist. But stealing jewelry is not your life’s passion. Your life’s passion is stealing women’s underwear. … READ MORE »


Entertainment

Oh, Charles Shumanis III, the love we could have had. Earlier this month, Shumanis, 47, was convicted of stealing lobsters (!) and other meat from an Allentown, Pennsylvania-area supermarket, with the intention of selling the crustaceans to support his drug habit. Shumanis apparently repeatedly stole lobsters from the store, and was finally apprehended in March… READ MORE »


Entertainment

There’s histrionics, and then there’s histrionics. And perhaps nobody knows that better than the announcer guy for “The People’s Court.” He’s turned witty voiceover-speak into a slightly sardonic, possibly passive aggressive and definitely psychotic artform. Just listen!

  … READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Number 49,

Congrats on making it to the Super Heavyweight finals at the Arnold Classic Europe in Madrid this weekend! That’s awesome! I’m sorry that you didn’t win, but still, you were the star of the show. I wish I could say you were getting attention for all your hard work and… READ MORE »


Guys

Oh Australia, what were you thinking? A bar in Perth in the Land of the Criminals kicked a guy out for having a mullet haircut. A bouncer at Print Hall’s rooftop bar told mullet-wearer David Hoogland that “his kind” wasn’t welcome at the establishment — and it’s all because of his business in the front,… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear French Guy Who Buried Himself In A Hole For A Week,

Sometimes life gets really overwhelming, and I want to just, I don’t know, bury myself in a hole with a stack of books and not talk to anyone for a week! Yeah! That’s what I want to do! Do you think… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Vegetable Musician,

Hello. Nice to meet you. I don’t know your name, but I came across this video of you playing your celery nose flute and developed an instantaneous crush. Some people think celery is a boring vegetable. You’ve proved them wrong! Celery has so much untapped potential (it goes great with… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Tattooed Poet,

You got the following poem tattooed on your shoulder: “Roses are red/ My name is Dave/ This poem makes no sense/ Microwave.” Obviously you have a way with words and a keen eye for art. I wrote you a little response poem that I hope you’ll enjoy:

VioletsREAD MORE »


Guys

Dear Mark Welch,

I would like to start by saying that even if no one else does, I believe you. I’ve had that happen to me before — where I woke up and the same stuff that I dreamed happened to me in real life. I was in college, around you age, when… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Sergey Pakhomov aka The Pasta Artist,

Six years ago you were working on an ad campaign for a Russian macaroni company and were struck by divine inspiration: what if you built models of various objects using macaroni? So you did, and the ad campaign fizzled, but your life was forever changed. Now… READ MORE »


Celebs

Modern day Will Ferrell seems like a total blast, but college era Will Ferrell appears to have been a stone cold foxy frat boy the likes of which he would one day portray in “Old School.” Call me crazy, but I am into it. I’m don’t know what he and his brodawg are up to… READ MORE »


Entertainment

Josh Androsky is a skateboarding rabbi who decided to take some mushrooms and get a little bit wasted before attending a taping of long-running game show “The Price is Right.” Miraculously, Josh was plucked out of the audience and chosen as a contestant, despite the fact that, in his words, he “lied to Drew Carey’s… READ MORE »


News

Dear Drunk Tourist,

You sauntered up to the Rome airport’s international terminal with a backpack and a can of beer, ready to check in for your flight. When no one showed up to help you (God, customer service these days!), you jumped over the counter and snuggled up on the baggage belt for… READ MORE »


Guys

I saw this Craigslist ad looking for a falconer to bring “an aggressive flying killing machine” to a 30th birthday posted on Facebook. I’m not sure if it’s for a party held by my old colleague who posted it on Facebook, or someone else, but it doesn’t matter: I want this Craigslist author to be… READ MORE »


Entertainment

Oh darling Matthew Falkner of Palm City, Florida (always, always Florida), you and I are soulmates. After all, you were arrested in the parking lot of a Taco Bell, after employees there noticed you were idling your car in the lot and pressing heavily on the accelerator, with smoke coming out of the engine. Police… READ MORE »


Love & Sex

Dear Russian Bear Patrol Officer Vladilen Kavriy Who Sings Lullabies To Polar Bears,

First of all, can we talk about how rad it is that your job title is “Bear Patrol Officer”? Does it say that on your business cards? Do you have anyone to give business cards to in places where polar bears… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Shark Man,

Is it OK if I call you that? I don’t know your name. But I wish I did. I have seen a lot of things on the NYC subway — a man in a horse costume, a woman who plays “The Chicken Dance” on a recorder, a man who panhandles… READ MORE »