be my boyfriend - Page 4

News

Dear Gregory Matthew Bruni,

You sound like quite an impressive criminal — even for Florida, which is full of impressive criminals. It seems this past Monday you were bored after dinner/high on bath salts so you decided to strip down to your b-day suit and jump on over to your neighbor’s roof. Except,… READ MORE »


News

Dear Amazing Outsourcer,

Most of us are guilty of loafing off on the job a couple times a day. But you, Anonymous Job Outsourcer, decided to game the system by not doing your job all together. Instead, you outsourced your tech job to a man in China, who duly toiled away while you… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Jason Earl Dean,

I understand that this week a judge sentenced you to four years in prison for handcuffing yourself to a woman who wouldn’t go out with you. Apparently, her Taco Bell coworkers heard her screaming, and rushed outside to find you cuffed to this woman. When they approached, you let… READ MORE »


News

Dear Evan,

I realize that at 10, you’re a bit too young to actually be my boyfriend. However, I’d just like to give you a shout out, as a fellow cat lover and feline fanatic. In 2009, when you were just seven years old, you donated your entire year’s worth of allowance to… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Zachariah Dalton,

Most women will tell you that they want a man who’s close to his parents. A man who loves and respects his mother and father and has a good relationship with them. It seems, Zachariah, that you are one of those guys. The other day, when you attempted to rob… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Farting Chef,

Food and farts! You sir, know how to make a lady swoon. Farting Chef, your Craigslist ad detailing the achievement of your three-month mission to fart on all 37 of your employees, knocked the wind out of me. I am dying to figure out who you are.

In… READ MORE »


Entertainment

Dear Roger Tullgren AKA The Guy Who Received Disability Benefits For His Heavy Metal Addiction,

A lot of people claim to lead a heavy metal lifestyle, but as far as I know, you’re the only one who has had three separate psychologists confirm that your obsession with heavy metal is actually a clinical addiction. READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Brandon,

First may I say that I am beyond flattered that you A) read my “Be My Boyfriend” post about you and B) made a video in response. To quote myself when I found out about it: “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”

I have… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear 38-Year-Old Anonymous Man,

You must be dying of embarrassment right now after receiving a five-page, formal letter of reprimand from your employer accusing you of “uncontrollable flatulence” that is creating an “intolerable” and “hostile” environment for coworkers. OUCH.

Apparently, you told your supervisor that you suffered from “some medical conditions,” READ MORE »


Entertainment

Dear Resourceful Baggage Guy,

I love a man who finds innovative solutions to life’s annoying problems. And your solution to astronomical airline baggage fees was particularly smart: Rather than carry luggage, you wore yours, somehow managing to don more than 70 items of clothing in Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport. … READ MORE »


galleries

When we say the “best” boyfriends, we mean the worst, or in some cases, the most ridiculous. We’ve rounded up the best of our “Be My Boyfriend” series this year. Really, we’re not planning on dating these guys, but said in the most diplomatic way possible, we marvel at them. These guys exist…

READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Tomsaz Tomasz Paczkowski,

First of all, I hope your face is healing. It’s true that no good deed goes unpunished. I know it didn’t work out for you, trying to help your wife with the housework, but you get an A+ for effort. It was seriously sweet that you to offer to do… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Real Life Cookie Monster,

Listen, I know absolutely nothing about you, except for the fact that you are dressed in a Cookie Monster costume while buying a package of Chips Ahoy in a surprisingly dispassionate manner. I don’t need to know anything else. Please give me your address so I can bring… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Valentino LoSauro,

I’ve been waiting for Edward Scissorhands to give me a haircut since 1990. I know you don’t look like Johnny Depp, and I don’t look that much like Winona Ryder, but I’d like you to give me a haircut with your Clawz. (I like to put “Z”s on the endz… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Reynaldo Nazario,

Some car thieves take an entire lifetime to accomplish what you did in less than three months — stealing 30 cars in 75 days. Your steadfast dedication to your craft has meant that you’ve spent quite a lot of time in prison — nine out of the last 10 years… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Brandon Chicotsky,
Congrats on your new business venture, BaldLogo.com! I love that you turned your early onset baldness into a way to make money and bring “bald and beautiful back.” Not that it was ever out, per se. At least, not in my mind. Seriously, I think you look good, even with that… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Garrett Michael Hoover,

I like a man who knows what he wants — and it’s clear from this Horry County mugshot that you like to boink. Well, guess what? I like to boink, too. Maybe we could boink together, just as soon as you get out of jail for disorderly conduct. In… READ MORE »


Guys

Dear Guy Who Spent 3.5 Hours Pronouncing The World’s Longest Word,

In second grade I gained a certain amount of notoriety on the playground for memorizing the spelling of “antidisestablishmentarianism,” which was, according to my teacher, the longest word in the world. Obviously Mrs. Shumaker was sorely mistaken, because the actual longest word in… READ MORE »