First may I say that I am beyond flattered that you A) read my “Be My Boyfriend” post about you and B) made a video in response. To quote myself when I found out about it: “This is the best thing that has ever happened to me!”
I have a couple of points to address with you, Brandon. This is a bit tangential, but I notice that you are holding a cat in the video. If you ever want us to date, I should be up front and tell you that you’ll have to ditch the cat. I have an issue with male cat owners. Also, I’m highly allergic. Sorry. That’s the deal. Keep reading »
Dear 38-Year-Old Anonymous Man,
You must be dying of embarrassment right now after receiving a five-page, formal letter of reprimand from your employer accusing you of “uncontrollable flatulence” that is creating an “intolerable” and “hostile” environment for coworkers. OUCH.
Apparently, you told your supervisor that you suffered from “some medical conditions,” but he or she isn’t buying it. Your manager stated that “nothing that you have submitted has indicated that you would have uncontrollable flatulence. It is my belief that you can control this condition.” Keep reading »
Dear Resourceful Baggage Guy,
I love a man who finds innovative solutions to life’s annoying problems. And your solution to astronomical airline baggage fees was particularly smart: Rather than carry luggage, you wore yours, somehow managing to don more than 70 items of clothing in Guangzhou Baiyun International Airport. Keep reading »
When we say the “best” boyfriends, we mean the worst, or in some cases, the most ridiculous. We’ve rounded up the best of our “Be My Boyfriend” series this year. Really, we’re not planning on dating these guys, but said in the most diplomatic way possible, we marvel at them. These guys exist…
Tomsaz Tomasz Paczkowski,
First of all, I hope your face is healing. It’s true that no good deed goes unpunished. I know it didn’t work out for you, trying to help your wife with the housework, but you get an A+ for effort. It was seriously sweet that you to offer to do the ironing while watching boxing and drinking a beer, but unless you’re skilled at doing four things at once (I’m not either!), you’re bound to make a mistake, like answering the iron instead of the phone and burning half your face. To make matters worse, when you ran to the bathroom to put cold water on your face, you smacked into the wall and gave yourself a black eye. Keep reading »
Dear Valentino LoSauro,
I’ve been waiting for Edward Scissorhands to give me a haircut since 1990. I know you don’t look like Johnny Depp, and I don’t look that much like Winona Ryder, but I’d like you to give me a haircut with your Clawz. (I like to put “Z”s on the endz of my wordz, too!)
You’ve been quoted as saying that Clawz bring musicality to hairdressing. And you use special cutting techniques you’ve dubbed “Flight of the Bumblebee” and “Zap” and “Raking.” It’s obvious that you are a former pianist. I was a singer. We have so much in common!
Valentino, cut my hair. Zap me. Bumblebee me. Rake me. Put your Clawz all over my head. Be my hairdresser. But we can skip the blindfold.
Dear Reynaldo Nazario,
Some car thieves take an entire lifetime to accomplish what you did in less than three months — stealing 30 cars in 75 days. Your steadfast dedication to your craft has meant that you’ve spent quite a lot of time in prison — nine out of the last 10 years you’ve been locked away on charges related to car theft. But that just shows you can be dedicated and committed to something (or someone) you care about. Keep reading »
Dear Brandon Chicotsky,
Congrats on your new business venture, BaldLogo.com! I love that you turned your early onset baldness into a way to make money and bring “bald and beautiful back.” Not that it was ever out, per se. At least, not in my mind. Seriously, I think you look good, even with that logo on your head. And if I had anything to advertise (I don’t at the moment), I would definitely pay $320 a day for you to be my own personal walking billboard. Keep reading »