Posts tagged "be my boyfriend"

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Stole 42,000 Pounds Of Cheese

Dear Veniamin Balika,

Let me preface this love letter by saying that I understand that stealing is wrong and don’t condone it. But I can’t help but be impressed by a man who can pull off a cheese heist of unprecedented proportions. I find cheese thievery sexy for obvious reasons.

Veniami…

By: Ami Angelowicz / March 29, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Was Fined $2,000 For Playing Celine Dion Songs Too Loud

Dear Jacek Korolko AKA The Guy Who Was Fined For Blasting Celine Dion Songs,

My love for Celine Dion is well documented, but it’s tough for me to find men who appreciate her majestic vocal stylings as much as I do. My current boyfriend, for example, could sum up his feelings about Celine…

By: Winona Dimeo-Ediger / March 25, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Would Rather Die Than Offend His Hot Airplane Seat Mate

Dear Anonymous,

I don’t know your name, but I commend you for your effort to be the best airplane seat mate ever. Sure, you took it a bit too far. But the intention was there and that’s what counts. As many of us have experienced, getting trapped on a long flight next to

By: Ami Angelowicz / March 14, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Man Suing His Parents For Not Loving Him Enough

Dear Bernard Anderson Bey,

As a 32-year-old homeless man, I think you’ve sensed that it’s time to take stock of your life, take responsibility for your actions and get your shit together. That’s good! You took initiative. You came up with a plan — albeit a misguided one — to turn things around…

By: Ami Angelowicz / February 26, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Rutherford Chang Has Nearly 700 Copies Of The Beatles’ The White Album

Dear Rutherford,

I heard you’re a Beatles fan, which is great. I mean, I guess that takes care of that difficult “are you a Beatles or a Rolling Stones fan” discussion. In fact, you might be the biggest Beatles fan, owing to your obsessive collecting and cataloging of their records. Specifically The White Album.

By: Julie Gerstein / February 19, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Klingon Sword-Wielding Floridian Johnnie Blade

Dear Johnnie Blade,

First of all, your parents clearly knew you were destined for greatness, because they gave you a name that could only befit a future porn star or Klingon sword enthusiast. I have no idea about your adult film industry experience, but you were recently arrested for “wildly swinging” a four-foot…

By: Amelia McDonell-Parry / February 14, 2013

Be My Boyfriend Weekend Party Round Up: Sex With Horses, The Peanut Butter Solution, A Freestyle Rap Defense — And More!

Remember that dream you had in middle school to have the coolest boyfriend ever? Well guess what? These guys are all up for grabs. So girls, don’t fight (it’s not attractive!), there are enough Be My Boyfriends to go around.

By: Julie Gerstein / February 8, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Man Who Tried To Hide The Fact The He’s “The Sun”

Dear Brett Eric Drachenburg aka “The Sun,”

If were sitting in the same room right now, I would be giving you a slow clap. From a safe distance, of course. At least 93 million miles. When you were caught stealing a towel from a Florida home, you told the cops that you were…

By: Ami Angelowicz / February 7, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Drove Drunk Inside A Walmart

Dear Timothy Carr,

A lot of people drive drunk, but it takes a special kind of man (usually from Florida) to drive drunk inside. According to a report from Brooksville, Florida, you helped yourself to a cold one while inside a mega Walmart and were then caught driving your motorized cart erratically.

By: Julie Gerstein / February 6, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Czech Prez Candidate With A Full Face Tattoo

Dear Vladimir Franz,

They say that beauty is only skin deep, and it’s pretty clear that you took that literally. As the first fully-tattooed presidential candidate of the Czech Republic (and like, probably anywhere?), you’re blazing a trail for ink-stained politicians everywhere.

By: Julie Gerstein / February 4, 2013

Be My Boyfriend(s): Two Awesome Thieves Who Stole More Than $65K In Chicken

Dear Dewayne Patterson and Renaldo Jackson,

You guys obviously like chicken. And I like guys who like chicken. So let’s have a menage a poulet. At least, I’m guessing you like chicken, based on the fact that you stole $65,000 worth of chicken from a Tyson plant in Doraville, Georgia. Got plans for…

By: Julie Gerstein / January 29, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: JacksFilms Dude Is The Ultimate Grammarian

I admit I’m even a little nervous writing this, because Jack of JacksFilms is generally concerned with only one thing — the paltry grammar of internet commenters and social networkers. Jack is so committed to his cause, that he’s managed to make nearly 50 hilarious videos about it. Each video features Jack reading off some…

By: Julie Gerstein / January 28, 2013

We’re Breaking Up: Drunk Guy Who Had Sex With A Snowman And Got Frostbite

Dear Kenneth Guillespie,

I hate to be the one to say this to you, but it’s time to get sober, buddy. You probably already know this, but it seems like you’ve finally hit “bottom” as they say. You were found half-naked, screaming in agony after attempting to have sex with a snowman. Kenneth,…

By: Ami Angelowicz / January 25, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Plays The Alcordion

Dear Ivan Zamotaev,

I’ve always had a thing for men who play accordions, so when you walked onto the “Russia’s Got Talent” stage and debuted your talent–playing a fascinating instrument called an “alcordion”–I was immediately intrigued. And then I found out that the “alcordion” is just an alcoholic accordion, with a bottle of vodka…

By: Winona Dimeo-Ediger / January 24, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Naked Burglar Who Jumped On Roof, Emptied Vacuum & Masturbated In A Stranger’s House

Dear Gregory Matthew Bruni,

You sound like quite an impressive criminal — even for Florida, which is full of impressive criminals. It seems this past Monday you were bored after dinner/high on bath salts so you decided to strip down to your b-day suit and jump on over to your neighbor’s roof. Except,…

By: Julie Gerstein / January 23, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Outsourced His Job To China So He Could Watch Cat Videos

Dear Amazing Outsourcer,

Most of us are guilty of loafing off on the job a couple times a day. But you, Anonymous Job Outsourcer, decided to game the system by not doing your job all together. Instead, you outsourced your tech job to a man in China, who duly toiled away while you…

By: Julie Gerstein / January 16, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Guy Who Handcuffed Himself To A Taco Bell Employee He Fancied

Dear Jason Earl Dean,

I understand that this week a judge sentenced you to four years in prison for handcuffing yourself to a woman who wouldn’t go out with you. Apparently, her Taco Bell coworkers heard her screaming, and rushed outside to find you cuffed to this woman. When they approached, you let…

By: Julie Gerstein / January 10, 2013

Be My Boyfriend (Someday): Evan, The 10-Year-Old Cat Lover Who Donates His Allowance To Save Kitties

Dear Evan,

I realize that at 10, you’re a bit too young to actually be my boyfriend. However, I’d just like to give you a shout out, as a fellow cat lover and feline fanatic. In 2009, when you were just seven years old, you donated your entire year’s worth of allowance to…

By: Julie Gerstein / January 7, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Florida Man Who Called His Mom For A Ride After Robbing A Store

Dear Zachariah Dalton,

Most women will tell you that they want a man who’s close to his parents. A man who loves and respects his mother and father and has a good relationship with them. It seems, Zachariah, that you are one of those guys. The other day, when you attempted to ro…

By: Julie Gerstein / January 7, 2013

Be My Boyfriend: Chef Who Farted On All Of His Employees And Posted A Craigslist Ad To Announce It

Dear Farting Chef,

Food and farts! You sir, know how to make a lady swoon. Farting Chef, your Craigslist ad detailing the achievement of your three-month mission to fart on all 37 of your employees, knocked the wind out of me. I am dying to figure out who you are.

I…

By: Ami Angelowicz / January 3, 2013